The darkness is overwhelming

[avant-garde]

Nobody knows the hell I go through every day

Nobody knows how hard it is to just function

They tell me to be happy, be content, you can do it

But they don't help me l get there

They tell me to lean on Christ

But leave me out of it

They tell me I matter

But then don't show it

All these empty words and no action

So I stop telling them

I stop telling them how dark I feel

Because it's always advice

No action

And they would tell me that's not fair

Well how you're treating me isn't ducking fair either!

This phoenix will rise and you'll be the ashes she rises from.

[Dreamy]

@avant-garde sitting with you sweet, I'm always here for you ❤️. 

[avant-garde]

@Dreamy 

My elder said I seem happier this year

The truth is I got sick of him not helping just giving me advice

I told him this morning

That I'm not happier, I just stopped telling him how dark I was.

[Dreamy]

@avant-garde people only see what they want to see. It gets to a point where you stop trying to get help cos noone understands the darkness that's consuming you. Noone knows what to say or how to help so you just get the 'you'll get through it', 'you're strong', 'hang in there, it gets better'. It's exhausting and it feels like there's no light at the end. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you all those things that you've heard so many times before cos it really only makes things harder. But I'm here for you, I'm here if you need to chat, I'm here for whatever you need and whenever. 

Sending you hugs, deep breath and take things one step at a time ❤️

[avant-garde]

I feel so worthless @Dreamy 

[Dreamy]

@avant-garde i understand the feeling but you are truly not worthless my sweet. 

[avant-garde]

@Dreamy 

There's a culture of purity in Christian circles that shames victims into silence. The weight of the shame... it's hard. 

People need to ask the question "what will my answer do to her"

I spiralled last night and contacted a helpline in America that have proved helpful before, she said "Your dad clearly did not value you. Otherwise, he would have never done what he did to you. What he did was a selfish act. Based on what he did to you and based on what your parents allowed, they only valued themselves."

[Dreamy]

@avant-garde i completely agree with you, people really do need to think before answering things. 

Sorry to hear that you spiralled but I'm really glad you reached out to someone. There's so much truth in what they said too. 

[avant-garde]

@Dreamy 

I had a seizure this week while a male chiro student was treating me, he didn't notice. 

I was scared and I messaged my elder and he hasn't even read it. 

I have washing to do today, will leave in a minute. 

Church event later today, I'm wearing my PTSD awareness bracelet and they can shove their opinions somewhere they're actually wanted.