Hello @utopia
I might be wrong, but I think that you have become so overwhelmed with your symptoms of depression that you had gone past the point of being able to look after or acknowledge the needs of someone else. Definitely prevalent in major depression.
Your son is having a reaction to all of this himself. Perfectly healthy. Hopefully he can have a few chats with your mum if he needs to. You have apologised, explained and dont need to mention that side of things again unless he specifically asks. I think that he will in his own time warm to you again, when he sees what a huge effort you are making in putting the pieces of your life back together. I am assuming that he would have seen you self medicate with the alcohol. This would have been difficult for him to digest. He might have even felt it was all his fault. Even adult children can blame themselves without knowing. So quietly observing you deal with the act of giving up alcohol, will help him see just how strong you are.
What you are doing now and doing on this post is credit to how committed you are to restoring and maintaining your health. Just as importantly rebuilding and nurturing the beautiful relationship of mother and son. You are doing so well Utopia. Look at how far you have come in only a month.
Your son can watch this from afar and he will come home when he is ready. Important that it is his decision I believe. You can still have quality time together. Walks, museums, art galleries, films, beach, rivers. Something you can share together and be yourselves without too much focus on talking. communicating silently alongside each other, sharing special time.
You have been a mum, his mum and he will be watching on the sidelines as his mum starts to emerge, even stronger and more beautiful than before.
So when you feel the urge for a drink, think of the newfound strength that is growing within you without the need to bury pain with alcohol.
alcohol itself is not the problem. the problem is the reason behind the need to drink. so everytime you feel like a bourbon, ask yourself what is it that I am trying to mask? If I walk away and do something outside where I am at one with nature?If I focus on the feeling that I share with nature. The need will pass.
This is just one idea. I use nature to help distract myself from thinking of the past or future.
The painful feelings behind the urge to drink can be discussed with your therapist where you will be safe.
we are all proud of you xx
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