How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

[Eden1919]

Hi everyone and thank you all very much for contributing to this thread i really appreiciate it and it makes me feel as though everyone really cares about making the forums a good and supportive place for everyone which is great! i have liked many of the suggestions here and i do think that perhap the threads that are more of a ongoing conversation with thousands of replies (particularly if in the somethings not right forum) should perhaps be moved to the social forum that way those threads dont dominate and push down the new posts that have newer more "urgent" (i cant think of the right word but that is not exactly the one i want to use) posts. it would also be good if people stayed on topic more and didnt diverge into long and more casual ongoing conversations or change the topic of the original post. i think for me and my point of view the issues is not so much who gets along better with who or that naturally some people are friends and some arent because i dont think that should be an issue that impacts that amount of support recieved on a support forum it should NOT matter who likes who better we are all people and one should not recieve less support because someone likes someone else better i believe everyone deserves equal amounts of support regardless. 

ANOTHER SUGGESTION : sorry but i had to put that in caps because this could potentially be really good i think but perhaps if we had a private messaging box where you could message other members then if you did get on with another member you could just message them privately and then it would not bring the endless discussions onto the forums and no one would have to look and feel left out because it would be private. or if people wanted to you could have a seperate section like the social forum which is dedicated to long endless conversations. but i think those types of threads need to be seperate from the on topic threads. 

[Appleblossom]

Yes  @girl99 they are good practical ways to make the forum more open to newbies by changing the algorhythm for the order in which posts appear. Something for tech people.

A few more sections maybe so that oldies dont feel they are doing the wrong thing when they have established good rapport.  Often that has evolved over time and just being there.  I believe it will lose effectiveness if we are too formulaic in our responses.  

I felt left out sometimes, but also learned from how people were creative and affectionate, tried to counteract that as an old fear and decided to practise "popping in".   There is no easy answer as what makes one person feel heard might not work for another. 

There was a time when I went back through all new topics checking and posting on threads with few responses.  I cant afford the time to do that any more.  I always tried to bring in the outliers.  It is good in that many many people, old and new, do that now.  

I also used to like a lot more, maybe I was overwhelmed and numb and could not figure out what to say, but wanted to give some response.  There were many posts without replies and I could only respond in words to a few. Also people have different expectations.  I never expected immediate responses, but when it looks like others are just chatting when someone is having a crisis, then that might seem unfriendly.  Its hard as sometimes people have not logged on for long and not looked at a window to know what is going on in other parts of the forum. Certainly have not wanted people to feel left out.

[Former-Member]

I think that is a very good idea of yours @Eden1919 of moving the ongoing conversations with thousands of replies which entail mental health issues but equally a lot of personal social chit chat as well in the "Something is not right forum" to the "social forums"; so others posting urgent issues aren't pushed down out of sight to other members, as you stated adequately, and can receive equal support from others online. That would help new members that are in dire need not to be overlooked and feel unsupported. I like your suggestions which I think is a start to addressing the issues you have raised. Keep them coming

[Faith-and-Hope]

I agree @Former-Member, that the mental health issues, which is what the forums are about, are complex and cannot be represented too simplistically..... and in mentioning a couple I did not mean to exclude or downplay others, and you are correct in that many involve traits that cross into other areas of mental health .....

It is also pertinent that those of us who feel able to do come through looking for new people posting.  The Introduce Yourself Here threads have been very good, I think, and new people arriving have been introduced in turn to the Search bar as a way of accessing topics specific to their circumstances and interests - important when the forums are diverse and large (thousands of different threads) so categorising is essential to making your way around.  Even the understanding that there is structure under the different discussion topics is important .... but so is the “meet and greet” of actual people.

I guess one concern I have is that connectivity is a vital part of the forums, particularly for those who are otherwise very socially isolated ..... those who are self-carers who do not have a network of friends, colleagues, family and are housebound and isolated by their mi issues.  The reference to “social chit-chat” can potentially trivialise the very important function of remaining connected and supported in their everyday lives.

So ..... how to broaden and sustain other areas of forum function without unbalancing what is working for some is something we ought to remain sensitive to and supportive of, which is what I am hearing you say also @Eden1919 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @girl99 ..... which is wonderful.

I have often thought that it would be a good idea for new posters and new threads to be highlighted in a way that is more accessible .... especially I guess as some community members are accessing the forums via their mobile phones alone ...... with a smaller screen space .... so the short-cut feeds are often all they are viewing, and the forums are in fact very large.  This can make it appear that the higher traffic threads are the range of choice, so to speak, as they are the ones that more commonly appear, whereas if we begin to focus our attention through the discussion topics, that is where the shorter and less accessed threads are found, particularly the new ones.

It is often late at night that I can give my attention there, and it is where I have found @Appleblossom @Teej @Kurra @Sahara @soul @WombatBoots @Jacques and @PeppiPatty in the past, gently speaking to newer forum members, along with many others of the “old guard” who appear to have moved on with time and changing circumstances.  Renewing this practice would be helpful I think.

Tagging some of these older forum members might help us to identify aspects of what has worked well previously, and how we can incorporate more of that back in, to help address the issues being raised here without upsetting the working balance.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Mazarita @eth ..... you have been here for some time.  Perhaps you have some positive insights you can share with us also ?

[NikNik]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all so much on your views on this so far and particularly @Eden1919 for having the courage to raise concerns.

There's two main things I wanted to flag

1) Everyone's experience of this forums is different and is valid - and everyone is an expert on their own experience. So lets move away from whose opinion is right or wrong. I think what Eden1919 has allowed here is for people to share their own views, their own advice and suggestions. I love that some practical solutions are coming out of this.

2) For those who haven't come across it yet, We have commenced the SANE Forums Responsive Project which aims to create technical enhancements to hopefully help with issues like this (good timing). If you would like to be kept up to date and informed on how to get involved (which will be posted today!) hit the 'Like' button on the first post & I will @mention you in updates, so an email will be generated (make sure you have your settings to receive @mentions via email switched on)

@Eden1919 - I hope you don't mind, but I have moved this thread into the Forum Feedback section, as I think it will be very valuable for other people to contribute to as well. 

Pleasr let me know (by @mentioning me) if this is an issue.

Thanks 

[eth]

  My approach to the forums varies (as it does for many of us) depending on where I am at on the roller coaster that is my bipolar 1 spectrum, and how acute my cPTSD is at the time.  @Eden1919 Because I have less energy for supporting many people at this time, my settings are set that I only get notified when I am @tagged.  This sometimes happens on new threads by someone who knows me, but often I only see the same few threads I'm more involved in for days at a time.  As with some other people, I don't have the time, or more often the energy, to go looking for new threads and new people.  But I try to always respond if I am tagged.  If I see that the person already is getting support from at least a few others I don't always get more involved.  I don't think that just because a person has been on the forums a long time means they have a DUTY to support more people.  I've been here longer than most but currently have a legal battle in real life that seriously limits how much support I can offer anyone.  We do what we can, when we can.  Thanks for the tag @Faith-and-Hope.  I also really value the longer friendships I have in the forums as it's easier to connect when I don't have to explain everything over and over.  Long-term connections are too rare in many of our lives and to me they are invaluable.  At least as important as supporting new people.

Maybe @NikNik there could be a new section made for new threads to sit in for, say, 2 weeks, before being moved to the most appropriate existing section.

[Former-Member]

@Eden1919
I hear what your saying and sometimes its hard not to feel rejected when no one answers but i have also noticed some like myself create their own 'safe' thread and sometimes when I post on it I'm not really looking for response but just want to get it out. I quite a few times have done multiple posts in a row on my 'safe' thread and it can look like I'm crying out for help and being ignored but honestly its a way of trying to release. I have noticed some others do the same. I also find it difficult to respond to others crys when i feel low or out of whack as it is either triggering or I just dont know how to respond to someone looking for the same help I am looking for. For example I lately have had trouble responding to people dealing with sh and si as I struggle with it myself at the moment.

[TAB]

Good post @eth 😀

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919 - Thank you for initiating and raising such an important issue. It is in my opinion, so important for "all" to express their personal experiences, opinions, solidarity, and thoughts on this issue you raised without oppression or judgement for it.  For some it doesn't feel right to be left out or to observe others being left out with no support on a mental health forum, while some others receive it daily as you expressed and part of validating our very real experience openly with this is expressing solidarity with some in agreeance who have experienced same or observed it for support. That one of the ways we cope with what you raised (and asked us) and this shouldnt be suppressed.  

As I have observed and experienced like you and others on this thread - when some receive support but countless don't on the forums, this is working for a minority but is "not working for all" which is the primary objective of a mental health support group and that is an important issue to raise - as the objective of the Mental Health support group being help and support for all that enhances mental health wellbeing and suicide prevention has failed. Yours and others' issues and concerns raised here voices that the primary objective of peer support is not being adequately met on this forum and this is what needs to be addressed as you voiced. 

And the beauty of forum policy is all can voice this valid personal experience and opinion on what works for the community "as a whole", and what does not work and the reasons and facts observed that creates others to feel left out, and leaving unsupported to address this issue adequately. Thank you for bringing awareness to this and acknowledging our shared experience with it as well, asking for opinions and tips on how to address the issue and how we cope with it. Most people leave if feeling unsupported unfortunately, that is the disadvantagement.

I agree with you that a mental health support group in nature and objective is very different from social connections and networking where like minded friendships groups or cliques form and some get along and others politely or unpolitely are treated indifferently - the latter is a form of bullying and has no place on a mental health forum as such can have serious consequences.  I agree a support forum should be inclusive to all as "all are worthy of support" regardless if we get along, agree, connect or not. We don't need to connect and relate to everyone to ask someone "are you okay?". 

As much as reaching out can save lives so can extending support to others - both as important as the other. 

I hope @Eden1919 you receive the primary support you were looking for under your title post as "being triggered on the forum" under a forum feedback and news section? Otherwise your very complaint of being left out will be again realised.  I hope "all members" have an input with the issue you raised and feel free to say what they are truly experiencing in these forums and not feel ashamed or intimidated of voicing the reasons why this is happening - and this is not detracted from or hidden in a corner unseen - as everyone's experience is valid and such an important issue that can potentially save lives deserves recognition. Otherwise the problem will remain and lives put at risk.

As like myself, when people come to these forums they are finding it hard to cope and are struggling - "all" are. They come for peer support initially. And we all do expect support - so it's not unfair in my humble opinion for others to want that same support and to voice their need for it. 

Most, like myself, also have very time consuming stressful outside commitments. So it brings the question to my mind in keeping with the topic you raised - "being "a peer to peer" support group, if we are all struggling and feel not up to being able to support others - who gives the support?  In this scenario it can lye heavily on one or two individuals whom are struggling themselves and the objective of a support group is lost. I have experienced this myself in the past. I think that is asking too much of a few who cannot possibly keep that up and sadly new comers are left with little or no response or support which you pointed out in your intital concern. Also the concern you raised that some others receive support daily which can leave others feeling left out and is unbalanced. 

So another suggestion I would like to put forward which addresses your above concerns and subject matter; which is also in support of your similar suggestion you made earlier; the only way to alleviate others feeling left out is for us members to spread our time and energy to not only those we connect with but to new comers and those with few responses "as well". To spread out this way "within our limitations". To do both - even if just a post stating "sitting with you" or "you are not alone" if we can't relate or connect - so no one feels excluded. If all do this "a little" to some new and old members etc, with a group effort in doing so all posts would then be covered and receive a response and support. And to add onto "group tags" - "anyone else who has a say or is around or who I have missed", otherwise group mentalities are formed which can exclude others from participating.

That could be encouraged by placing the more urgent shorter reply posts in a different section under a title such as "feeling overwhelmed and need help" or similar under the Lived experience section. And those with thousand ongoing replies who already have support and made connections be placed in another section so as not to dominate more isolated posts with little to no replies. That could balance things out. What do you think @Eden1919 and others who are interested? Hope it has helped.

Thats some of my personal suggestions on how to address your concerns @Eden1919. I will follow this thread with great interest and may come up with some more as it evolves!