How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

[Appleblossom]

@Eden1919 I think starting this thread was a great idea and a very mature way of dealing with these issues. Some people just get "cranky at the forum". which does not help anyone.  Some of us take it personally. I try not to but I get into "I must work harder" mode.  

I am approaching 60 but am still learning and have learned a lot from being on the forum

On my first post on the Friday Feast I was terrified that nobody would talk to me.  Gradually my confidence here improved, in that I can show different parts of myself.  I also challenged mental health workers at times.  Recently I stopped being a Community Guide because I felt my pattern was over responsible and I needed to lighten my load, learn not take all the world's problems on  my shoulders. I also liked to read how others got along especially when I knew they had not known each other for long.   I had a lot of changed addresses and schools in childhood and I guess I never got good at playground socialising.  So that  first Friday Feast was very important for me .. it was just socialising rather than dealing with crises.  I was always the new kid on the block.  Now I am an Elder and have been around for a long time it does give me a sense of belinging, but it took a long time and a lot of posting and a lot of being totally ignored and waiting months for a response ....

You are being you @Eden1919 being honest about your vulnerability and testing the waters and giving support. I am glad you perservered and are still posting.

[Acacia]

Hi @Eden1919

I’m glad you have felt able to raise this issue here on the Forums – as we can see from the replies, you are not the only member to have observed that some posts receive more replies and support than others, and to feel uncomfortable or upset by this.

I think @greenpea raises a great point in that we will always find some people that we connect with more than others; and as @Zoe7 has said, there are certain topics which lots of people will relate to, while others may only ring true for a few members, hence receiving less replies. Perhaps this is what is giving the sense of “cliques”?

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. It would be great to hear what you think might reduce this feeling @Eden1919, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Zoe7, @greenpea and anyone else who is reading along.

[greenpea]

@Acacia@Eden1919@Appleblossom@Former-Member@Zoe7 I always where possible talk to newbies even if I don't have direct exerience with their problems. I know that @Snowie and @Faith-and-Hope did that for me when I first came online and really they helped me out that night. Inviting newbies to Friday Night Feast is another good way to do this if everyone did this with one person who came online it would be a very big welcome indeed.

In saying that there will always be someone you don't get on with and I think that is okay as long as people are polite as many of us do not have thick skins due to our backgrounds.

[Former-Member]

No @Acacia - what you stated isn't personally why I stated there are cliques on this forum but for the reasons already given and what @Eden1919 stated. A few simple ways to address this in my view to is to invite new and old members into other threads for group inclusion, and/or pop in where they are where possible and ask how they are doing whether we relate to their issues or not. 

[Zoe7]

One of the suggestions made in an earlier discussion around the same issue was to have a more prominent place for new members to Introduce Yourself. This can then be a go-to spot to both welcome new members and read a bit more about them and/or their story. It is also less confronting than trying to 'fit in' to an already existing discussion or to start a new thread that does not receive many responses.

On a completely different (but related) note - there are over 4000 threads on the Lived Experience side alone - so while as not to diminish the very real concerns that have been raised here - on the other side of the coin it can also be triggering for members who are active on the larger threads when some comments are made as there are so many others that can be accessed and posted on by members. It then becomes more about one's own feelings or perceptions of inclusivity (or lack thereof) rather than the actual reality. It is completely normal for some people to gravitate towards others in any community - and this being a community is what makes it such a wonderful place to be part of.  Sometimes however, every attempt is made to include other members but they choose not to be a part of a conversation/thread/the community - which is also their right. We can only do what we can do and no-one should be made feel like they should be doing more than they are capable of doing.

[Former-Member]

I don't personally think this issue is a false perception as implied or in "someone's mind" - I think that is undermining @Eden1919's and placing stigma on others who have stated this previously concerns. Not all can be wrong.

[Zoe7]

The point being made here has been completely overlooked - there are thousands of threads and thousands of members - if each member posted on the one thread then EVERYONE would feel 'left out'. It is natural for some people to feel more comfortable with others that they have found a connection with and that should be seen as a good thing also because that means that those members have a support network that works for them. Everyone connects with other people for different reasons and we should not be saying here that what works for one - or some - is not as valid as that which does not work for others.

[Former-Member]

And I believe the intital point and concern of  @Eden1919's and countless others who have stated their are cliques on here and they are feeling left out has been overlooked. And the best approaches to dealing with it rather than dismissing it

[Former-Member]

Glad this thread was posted

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi everyone .... 👋💕

Just a personal observation here ..... there are threads where people have struggled together with issues a long time, and sometimes, perhaps often, it’s a thread topic that others might feel a bit intimidated by, such as suicide ideation and other personal crises.

I have found that these threads are long and involved by nature, but these are the same people wh9 will jump online, greet their forum friends, then add “and anyone else who is here” .... “and anyone passing through this thread today” or “and anyone else around ..... “

That genuinely is for anyone who would like to join in, and when others do, I have only rarely seen them not included, and usually with the comment that someone really isn’t coping, is not up to being social, and please forgive them on this occasion owing to their feelings of fragility.

I have also seen others spontaneously speak up, and be readily accepted into the conversation at hand .... and I think that is very important.

Perhaps in response to @Eden1919‘s openin gof this thread, we can begin to list suggestions for improvement.  I hope it’s okay if I number some here, and perhaps others can continue adding numbered points .....

1. It is important to acknowledge anyone who says hello.

2.  It is important to acknowledge any additional point they may raise.

3.  Please include an “and to anyone else who is here”, to help make it part of the forum culture.

4.  If someone is calling for company and you are unable to spend much time, please say so, so they know they have been heard.  You can @ mention Forum Guides at that point too.

I hope this helps.