Running

[Jynx]

@avant-garde gladness, and thanks  😊

Oh dang that one is never fun. Was the cancelled thing something important to you or that you were looking forward to as well? Sitting with rejection as well as disappointment?

*spots the time, rushes in for last hugs*

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Important: yes

Looking forward to: yes

Rejection: yes

Disappointment: yes

*Gives Jynx a last squeeze*

[Jynx]

@avant-garde quadruple batch of 😩

We can chat about it tomorrow if you like, in the meantime feel free to imagine me going into full protect-mode cos you don't deserve that! 

*Good squeeze, many waves, and off I pop*

💜

[avant-garde]

In 2017 something happened... something I haven't really talked about... something I need to speak... to feel heard...

TW: sexual assault

Content/trigger warning

He was my friend, I had met him volunteering at uni, he was cute and I was attracted to him, we got along and he gave really good hugs. 
I had just started having seizures and flashbacks about my childhood and when I tried to find support from my church they just said to go see my doctor and up my medication, that I was having more psychotic episodes.
I had met up with someone from church individually and had told her about the seizures and flashbacks, the memories. She flatout said she didn't believe me. 

So I got home in tears and I called him and asked him to come over, he was the only one who actually believed me at that point. 
He came over and initially it helped, but then he started pushing me beyond what I was comfortable with...
He didn't respect me when I said no, when I was clear with what was ok, pushing it multiple times...
He didn't rape me, but he didn't seem to value me either...
He did comfort me when I had a seizure, he seemed to care for me... He did more than that though... He took advantage of me at my most vulnerable moment and went beyond what was comfort to what became assault.

 I didn't want what he did to me, but my no didn't matter to him. 

@Jynx @rav3n @Ru-bee @tyme 

[Ru-bee]

@avant-garde firstly thank you for sharing this and trusting us with this. I can only imagine the courage it takes to share something like this for the first time and I'm glad that you feel safe enough to talk about it here. 

How are you feeling since getting this out? How is it sitting with you this morning?

Sending you a big (but gentle) hug

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee 

I got quite upset since getting the breach email (not worded gently and in the dark hours of the morning) that I couldn't get back to sleep until I knew it was ok

[Ru-bee]

 I'm sorry to hear that was distressing to you @avant-garde it's always tricky, particularly when discussing such sensitive topics. I do just want to make sure that you know that you're never in trouble when we send those emails, it's just about needing to work with you (or any member) to find a way to share your story within the community guidelines.

I know it might not feel like it when you're getting one of those emails, but for me when I send them I'm not picturing it as pointing my finger and saying "you've done something wrong", rather I think of it as trying to extend a hand and saying "let's work together on this". 

Sounds like you might be feeling pretty tired this morning, are you able to rest during the day?

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee I think I'm thankful one of my activities cancelled so I only have time with my best friend later today. Need to pick up a couple of things from a craft store (going to try at a price match guarantee).

So yes today is a bit easier

[avant-garde]

@Ru-bee 

I feel physically sick with finally having shared it with someone... it's not the first time I've written it out... but that was 7 years ago... that was just me writing and realising...

The church did fail me then...

How could he do it? He was meant to be my friend... but he was just another predator...

It hurts...

[Ru-bee]

I hear you @avant-garde, it sounds like you were failed a few times, both by this person who was meant to be your friend, and then by your church.

I'm glad to hear that you're seeing your best friend today, I hope that it's a nice outing together. I'll be interested to hear if you get any craft supplies at the store