Lived Experience Forum

[flash-ferret]

If anyone reads this, thankyou. If anyone reads this and has experience in the area and can offer some guidance you'll have had a genuinely positive impact on someone's life who has been fairly rock-bottom for the last twelve months. I'm definitely going to keep it simple but there have been a lot of twists and turns. It might be a warning to some, entertaining to others - read on and see!

I've got ADHD (formally diagnosed, stimulant meds) and MDD (on antidepressants) been on them for more than a decade now. Got a job after an 18-month dry spell doing IT for state govt dept in regional area. I LOVED this job, it gave me a reason to get out of bed, I loved the office atmosphere, loved the people I assisted and the sites I attended and the type of work it was. On a contract, got extended three times, three recruitments successful every time. Disclosed ADHD and MDD at interview.

Manager who doesn't usually work on the site I was though seems to have a complex and turns to bullying. Anecdotally number of staff have decided to leave because of them. I did something in good faith not doing anything the wrong way but turns out big boss gets caught on the back foot with some questioning from other managers and they weren't too happy. So I needed to be put in my place. Taken off a project I was incredibly passionate about and put a year into in the space of one afternoon, and I was really upset. Manager was in office that say so I had some words..nothing profane, nothing personal. Others in the office at the time and none of them said whoa! too much rage or anything like that. Discussion with manager after and figured differences had been settled.

Couple of weeks later, manager says I breached code of conduct (which was an empty claim) and I was going to get a meeting invite and could have a support person there. I immediately think I'm going to be sacked and my anxiety hits the roof in half a second. Get invite to a "diminished performance review" so a formal first step into performance management. Mgr send accompanying document, a page from excel with staff in our office names and numbers next to them. Apparently this was showing how many jobs in the IT system I was closing compared to others, but it's just numbers and names, and my name is the lowest. I know the reporting system in the application so I come to work early print out the real numbers which are hugely different and take into meeting. Everything they allege falls to bits and it finishes with noone signing anything and no performance plans and me feeling like there's been a significant chance to have positive discussion and that puts an end to that. Except it doesn't. Finally submit a complaint against bullying. After weeks and me going to ED on suicide watch and my relationships with colleagues essentially destroyed due to my deteriorating mental health (but hey, I was "supported" by my employer - still to learn what that actually looks like or is and "kindness" apparently worked there never saw any though) there was no response to my allegations within the timeframes in their bullying policy and when an answer was provided it was a one page letter saying their investigation had found no evidence of bullying and I was left feeling like my concerns were utterly ignored, the issue was swept under the rug, that the impact on my mental health was avoided at all costs and I started asking why. A few weeks passed and I was suddenly called into a meeting, and terminated on the spot (I was still paid to the end of my contract which was about six more weeks), and I was escorted from the building bawling my eyes out. 

It has taken me about seven months to get to the stage where I felt I could think about it enough again to complain to the secretary of the department. My existence in the interim was livin' la vida lockdown pretty much, avoiding public places, getting up taking meds, going back to bed, waking up watching some TV back to sleep. I sent my complaint and get a call waited a week and got another one which had what I considered a smoking gun. A full response to all of the allegations had been written along with recommendations for coaching for both parties and mediation. I hadn't even heard about such a document and had I been given it I'd still have a job as I know I'd have taken it to my psychologist to discuss at next appt and looked at the resolution as a way forward and it would have been sorted and I wouldn't have been terminated in the manner that I was. The investigator even goes so far as to say they "sincerely apologise on behalf of the Secretary and the Ministry." I was starting to thing something was going my way for the first time in a long time as it seemed as though this was a document I *should* have gotten.

Come to today and investigator calls again. Says they have been in touch with the management involved and (here's the kicker) it was decided that receiving the response might be overwhelming and out of consideration for my mental health the decision was made to not release it to me. So not only not give me responses to my allegations showing they took me seriously, but also not provide me with potential ways to resolve this issue, keep my job, get closure and recover from the last months of "hell". I was left feeling like...what the hell is going on?!? There's no further avenue up the chain from a departmental secretary to go to, no idea if this even meets the basic criteria for civil action, I actually had some hope that this might end up with reinstatement yesterday, and today I feel like it has all collapsed which has kind of been how the whole drawn out fiasco has played out all along. My confidence in getting another job is zero, my concern that if I ever did get a job again is that I would be looking over my shoulder for buses constantly and I'd never be able to trust management. I'd made a promise to myself that if the outcome had been good (I wasn't making bargains) that I would make a concerted effort to begin "living" again, instead of just waiting out my time which is what I have been doing since I lost my job. I've been up all night now with thoughts going everywhere and ruminating normally it latches on to the original events and how the process was unethical and unfair, but now it's got the added dimension of well there's another slap in the face - and for a government department it feels so "fishy" and unethical...I don't know how I'm going to move forward on this...to face it and how to face it, or if not to face it, to move on from it...it sucks, and I wonder how many if subjected to the same might not have taken themselves to Emergency but chosen another path.

I hope someone got something from this, I welcome any thoughts or guidance. TL;DR - just read it.

Thankyou

[NatureLover]

Hi @flash-ferret ...I'm sorry to read of your terrible experiences. I can really hear how awful you feel about a good, positive job tunring so bad, and how hopeless you feel on how to move forward.

Can I ask if you have any professional supports to help you through this time? Like maybe a trusted GP /meds /a psychologist /counsellor /psychiatrist? 

I don't have any guidance about jobs, I'm afraid...but I wish you best wishes.

[Clawde]

Hi @flash-ferret so sorry for you reading this, so sorry you have gone through this. Total just not fair on you, and this is not your fault.

Is there anyone you know that could guide you telling your whole story of what happened to Workers Union, sot  times they can listen etc without being a current member. 
all the best sounds like your coming out of the worst part 

from @Clawde.

[Owen45]

Thanks for sharing this testimony, Flash-Ferret.  A very difficult situation for you.  I can identify....been through experiences with workplace bully boss and workplace politics, cruel. 

Regards, Owen.

[wellwellwellnez]

I like that you've been managing to be evidence based, even while under stress. And, I really respect that.

Legal advice from me would be ill-advised, but it might be worth finding the right specialist and showing them your time-line. You have a tail to tell and it does spell out what I would call system errors or officer errors depending on how you want to cut it. As a relatively reasonable person on the street, that is.

I've been there and I am there. Currently getting back into old sectors and sometimes it brings up old scars. Makes me go through the what-ifs in ways that I didn't do when I was fresher and greener. It's all valuable, though. Over time finding whole new ways of ready-ness.

[me_myself_I]

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I have been there and honestly believed that ethics , paperwork, and having everything necessary to show that I was not at fault and was yet still willing to work with individuals who were would ensure true justice in a department that stood for just that.

I worried how I would possibly be employable at all again. ( Permanently employed , major trust issues)

On attending the ED, I definitely would not have done so, and I would never disclose or give consent for an employer to access or contact doctors or psychologists or psychiatrists , this was advice given to me by my psychiatrist.
It is the cruelest and most unfair of all playgrounds to play in when working for an organisation who is judge Judy and executioner.

[flash-ferret]

thankyou - I do have the full-house of GP, psych(iatrist) and psych(ologist), there's no support really - because it's unlikely there will ever be any justice or closure - which upsets me more than just for myself. Government departments and governments say they are accountable, and transparent, the department I worked in even says that "open-ness" is one of the central tenets of their code-of-conduct but here I am with a story like this to tell and I wouldn't be anything close to the only one on a site like this. The sad reality is if you stand up you'll most likely be sacked and it allows less than admirable types of people become management and drive the whole thing. 😞

[flash-ferret]

I was in the Union during the whole event, and they barely did anything to be honest. Just a couple of emails to HR management and when they said 'nope' the Union said "ok". When I was terminated and marched out of the building the Union essentially said well we can't help you anymore and I never heard from them again.

It may have been that I simply fell through every crack - I seem to be the person who falls through every single crack in every system. That or there's no such thing as the type of guidance or support one might have expected from Unions today.

I was avoiding it. My ADHD grabs a hold of the things and brings up related memories so I end up ruminating and feeling destroyed inside. Avoiding it meant not allowing the thoughts and feelings in as much as possible. The last few days though has brought up hope then despair once more and a lot of feelings have come back to the surface that I don't feel capable of managing or dealing with.

[flash-ferret]

I hope your outcome was better than mine, and yes it makes a farce of the words "support". During this when I felt so unable to cope and went to Emergency feeling suicide was my only option I was given some time off work. There was WorkCover involved but the day I returned to an office I felt I had destroyed my relationships in due to my decline in mental health and breakdown my supervisor couldn't even be bothered travelling so they were on-site with me to come back to work. My anxiety was so bad I moved my things into a storeroom because I felt disconnected from everyone else and the person I had been closest to in the office wasn't even speaking to me. I ended up asking HR to intercede - not for blame, but just so we could start talking to do our jobs again (we were a small team). Sent this to supv at end of day to say not the best return to work things didn't go well at all...Their reply the next day? "Hi Ferret, don't worry about going off site today to meet with HR, here's some jobs you can continue working on."

As you said - Cruel.

[flash-ferret]

I definitely feel what you are saying regarding old-scars, knowing how my brain does things I've been avoiding thinking about anything because it simply runs away and ruminates and brings up pain. The worst part is as you say the systemic errors that exist, and I tried to discuss that with management when it became evident that there were/are major issues and it was ignored, and even at a Ministerial level things that any reasonable person would raise an eyebrow over seem to be "well I wouldn't do it that way but they've decided that's the best way to deal with it" and it seems people can do whatever they like! The number of departments and organisations I have spoken to and they all say it isn't within their area of responsibility. These things happen because there's actually no external authority - the Ombudsman? Well because I was an employee at the time, they can't do anything. It's so incredibly frustrating!