Lived Experience Forum

[Kalani]

Hey everyone, I hope u are all well! To give u some context I am currently studying at uni and have a casual job.  I have found myself for the last few days dreading work and getting really anxious about it. I don't know why. It is a good job and I don't mind the kind of work it is. The staff are all really welcoming and nice, and the pay is good. Yet I still get really anxious about work and find myself hoping my shifts get cancelled for some reason. It's annoying because I should be grateful and excited to have a stable job which provides shifts. It is just really frustrating. 

I feel like my mental health is taking over my life at the moment. Every little action or task leaves me riddled with anxiety. Every minute of the day at the moment I am consumed by thoughts. I just feel so alone. So trapped. It doesn't matter how many times I talk to people on helplines like kidshelpline. I am still stuck in the same place. Where nobody close to me really knows whats going on. I want help but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve help. I feel like mental health professionals won't believe me. I feel like I am never going to get help, that I am always going to be stuck in this horrible mindset. 

I so badly want to enjoy life. To be able to go a day without intrusive thoughts. To be able to go out without stressing about every little thing. But I know that won't happen unless I get help. But I am so scared. Scared of telling people. Scared of their reactions. Scared of myself. Scared for what it will mean if I get help. I just hate my life right now. Hate my brain. Hate going through all of this everyday. It is so hard to keep up this facade that everything is ok. That I am not internally crumbling. I wish I could prioritise my mental health but I have this belief ingrained in me that work and my responsibilities come first. 

I am sorry for this horribly long rant. I just feel that this is a place where I can vent freely without worry of judgement. To end this I hope u are all having a fantastic day!

[TideisTurning]

@Kalani, I'm hearing the overwhelm and I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. I'm wondering, about your job, why is it that you went for it? What do you like about it? For me, these kinds of answers often help in harder moments. 

Please know that you're not alone. There are many others here on similar journeys and you're welcome to keep posting to update us on how you're going or reach out for support from other members. 

Know too that it's ok not to be ok and it's ok to let that out if you need to. Getting help is certainly not easy- it takes a lot of courage to put your hand up and talk about what's going on, not to mention patience while you find the right kinds of support for you, whether that be professional or otherwise. Wishing you the courage and strength to do whatever you may need to. Take care 😊