Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

It seems to me @Razzle like you were thinking rationally in regards to your son and if that is not what he wanted to hear then that is on him. If he wanted you to bow down to help them out with everything they have put you through then he has no idea how much he (and his partner) have hurt you either. That is on them and maybe it is a good thing that you don't know how to do internet banking as quite frankly they do not deserve you bailing them out. They have made their own bed and it is time they stand on their own feet. They have a baby to support and with that comes responsibilities. I know they are young but it is unfair of them to treat you as they have and then expect your support. I know you would be saying that you would always support your son here Hon but it seems like he only contacts you when he wants something and not only ignores you other times but makes life difficult for you as well - that is no way to treat you @Razzle . I can understand that you didn't ask your son how he is and that may have been what he needed but he did not ask you the same either ...

Your husband is yet another matter. He still does not understand how much he has hurt you and continues to blame you. He obviously has not listened to anything you have said and I can fully understand if you feel fed up with that situation and relationship too. You are taking care of your Mum with dementia and where is the support for you here Hon? It seems that your hubby - and son - want everything on their own terms and you do not matter in their considerations. You do matter though @Razzle and so do your feelings. Sending you lots of love and huge hugs 

[Razzle]

@Zoe7   I don’t think my son even noticed that I didn’t ask how he was, it was my husband that pointed that out.  And you’re right, he isn’t listening and he is blaming me.  He doesn’t understand how much damage he’s done, he could have prevented all of this - he knows it as much as I do.

As a mother I should be available to support my son in any way possible, but after last week I don’t feel like I can.  He does need to step up and support himself and his family, and dishing out money to their every whim isn’t helping him at all.  And the sickly sweet messages from his partner are just insulting now, she must seriously think me a fool.  My husband did give them the money, I told him that all it does is make him feel good, it doesn’t help our son at all.  But he looks like the good guy once again.

[Zoe7]

@Razzle Your husband may have bailed out your son this time - and you are right he may seem like the 'good' guy again but it is not going to help them in the long term. How are they going to afford rent and all the other bills if they cannot save living at the gf's family home! It may be tough love but they do have responsibilities now and need to work out their money to cover everything. 

The messages she has been sending are insulting - especially after the nasty ones she has previously sent you. It is apparent that she has no understanding of how hurtful she has been - that is her cross to bear though Hon. Maybe she will learn over time but right now she needs to grow up and accept her responsibilities ...and not think the world owes her at every turn. Unfortunately that does not help you but you have to protect yourself too - a lot of damage has been done and that takes time to repair ...and a willingness by both your son/gf and husband to do so.

Until they all realise just how much they have hurt you those relationships will not be repaired. You have every right to be angry and to stand your ground. You are caring for an ill mother as well and where is the help for you. Selfish does not even begin to describe how everyone is acting around you - especially your husband - he should be supporting you through all this not attributing blame.

[Zoe7]

Thinking about you @Razzle and sending some love and hugs 

[Razzle]

Hi @Zoe7    I’ve just finished at the hairdressers.  I had forgotten all about my appointment until I got a reminder text yesterday.  Have been trying to convince myself since that I’ll be ok.  I hate being touched and have to psyche myself up even for a damn hair appointment.  

I was doing ok until I woke up this morning to a text from my husband pointing out that he always felt there had been something lacking in our 27year marriage (sex), and that I should have told him about my CSA earlier.

I responded with a pretty heated text

letting him know what I thought was

lacking too, and it wasn’t the sex !!

God I hate when he takes those cheap shots at me.  Walk a fu€king mile in my shoes and tell me that sex was the problem.  

Then I received a text from the councillor wanting to know if I’d be at the next joint session next week - so he got a message back saying exactly how I feel about him too.  

By by the time I got to my hair appointment I was so wound up and tense I just wanted to scream.  It’s finally all over and I’m sitting in my car

crying and trying to calm down.  I just want to get home and have a shower and just wash EVERYONE off of me.  

I hate feeling like this all the time, I hate everything going on, I hate everything around me.  I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as somebody

else.  Life isnt supposed to be a picnic but it’s not supposed to be this hard either

[Zoe7]

You have had a lot of pent up anger for some time now @Razzle and both your husband and counsellor obviously have no idea how hurt you have been by both of them - not surprised you sent them both an angry message.

The digs at you are certainly not helping the situation and you certainly do not deserve them Hon. It is such a tough situation for you and so much still to get your head around - as hard as it is try not to let the misguided words of others get to you - look out for yourself so you can look after yourself.

Very much hearing how hard it is for you and how much you want all this to just go away. Unfortunately there are people in our lives that just do not get it and no trying to explain or talk through those things make any difference - that is often something we just have to accept. Life does indeed such sometimes so it is important that you do everything you can right now to look after yourself ...because you matter Hon 

[Razzle]

@Zoe7   I made a goal a few weeks back that I wouldn’t turn to alcohol when things went south, but I can’t keep that promise tonight.

I can’t switch my brain off and I feel absolutely disgusting.  I’m completely overwhelmed again.  

I havent heard anything back from my husband since his message this morning (and my reply).  The thing that upset me the most is that he sent his message through messenger - and when I replied he gave me a thumbs down.  I straight away replied that he can shove his thumbs down, if he doesn’t want to hear the answer then don’t ask the question.

I also got a half hearted apology from the councillor.  He gave a couple of excuses as to why he didn’t respond to my message and then ended the message with :  “Unfortunately sometimes things just don't go according to plan”.  

Really?? No $hit Sherlock, that’s why a bit of encouragement or advice when everything fell apart would have been nice.

Im just so hurt by all of them.

[Zoe7]

I can hear that hurt tonight @Razzle as well as what you have been going through with both of them lately. It is true that sometimes things don't go according to plan but surely this counsellor can see just how much this has affected you - and honestly I think you have every right to be angry seeing as he could call your husband but not you ...especially as you both had a session booked in and called him first. A bit of encouragement certainly would have been nice and yet you were felt let down and undervalued ...none of that is okay Hon. I do not blame you for feeling angry.

I would like to advise you not to turn to old habits but you know yourself best and sometimes a little 'letting go' is needed. Are there also other ways you can 'switch your brain off' tonight? I do know how hard that is when you feel overwhelmed with everything - and happy to help you walk through some alternatives. I used to watch sport or my favourite DVDs to get a little respite - it never lasted long but often it was enough time to lower the impetus for SH and to get me to a stage where I could sleep.

[Razzle]

@Zoe7   I’ve got nothing tonight, I don’t know how to help myself.  I can’t even concentrate on my puzzle book, that usually takes my mind off everything but I cant concentrate at all.

I just wish everything would stop

[Zoe7]

I am here with you @Razzle So you are not alone Hon. It totally sucks when the usual things that calm us do not work. Do you think you would be able to sleep or are you too wound up to even consider that yet?