Contemplating leaving the forums

[tyme]

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@creative_writer wrote:
@Dreamy I’ve been having SI today, took a PRN to settle it. Can’t say it’s completely gone, but mind is clearer, I think the effects settled in now, thankfully. It took a while. I’ve been struggling with bipolar mixed episode, I don’t think the episode is fully controlled yet, but I am going to see my pdoc tommorow

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This IS an example of recovery posting.

No, your posts from yesterday were not different from today, nor the day before, nor the day before. Hence the conversation around 'extended' rumination.

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy chocolate always helps. SI can be rough, like I’ll get these strong urges, resisting is hard. But I am resisting. Mixed episodes bring agitation, like I’ll try doing other things too to settle it like prayer and music.

@tyme so talking about listening to music and PMR isn’t recovery-oriented? I posted about that yesterday

[Dreamy]

@creative_writer yes it's definitely rough but you are doing amazing to resist the urges. That agitation is hard to manage, it's great that you are trying to do other things. I try and run on distractions myself and often bounce from one activity to another cos I struggle to focus on one thing for too long. 

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy I totally get bouncing around. I have ADHD, but I’m not medicated for it. My pdoc didn’t think it would be a good idea, maybe because my bipolar isn’t under control. I’m prone to mixed episodes, even AD taken in too high doses de-stabilises me. However, my psych thought it would be good to build a routine. I also use tea to cope. Though it’s super hard when I’m stressed, I just do what I can. I’m currently looking for employment, doing interviews and job applications can be hard. But I do what I can, AI can help with polishing, but to avoid sounding robotic it’s good to have a draft to put through. AI also asks wonderful interview questions. Like I’m trying to work around it, maybe I need time. I think once I’m able to get my brain organised it’ll be easier, ADHD and mental health wise

[Dreamy]

@creative_writer I'm not diagnosed with adhd but it's highly likely I have it. Yeah you have to be so careful with the balance of medications, I'm not able to be on medications so I have to manage everything in other ways. You are doing the best you can and you should be proud of yourself for that. Definitely take your time with things and don't be hard on yourself if you need extra time. It really sounds like you are doing an amazing job with things given your situation at the moment, I'm super proud of you for all you efforts ❤️

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy I feel like ADHD is often overlooked, I wasn’t that hyperactive child, at least not hyperactive at school or in front of people outside of my family. My mum says I was hyperactive as a young one. I find it hard to sustain attention, it clicked in my mind once I realised I was self-medicating with caffeine. Though I do need to be careful with caffeine intake. I only ever have a tinny bit of coffee in the morning. The rest of my caffeine intake comes from matcha. It has more sustained caffeine release, so doesn’t get you so jittery. I also love adding saffron to it. I’ve heard saffron can be good for mental health, I know they have supplements. I’m too scared to take it in big doses with bipolar, so stick to food quantities. I’m already on a lot of meds, so I do other things like having a good diet. I feel like so many herbs in food have healing properties (it also improves the taste of food), and these lots of nutrients you can get from a good diet

[Dreamy]

@creative_writer yeah I definitely think it's overlooked. I don't drink much caffeine other than iced coffee sachets that I mix with milk. It's good that you stick to a good diet and using herbs is definitely great in many ways. 

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy same with ASD. I didn’t know I had it until I became an adult.

I’m hoping to heal myself mentally. A lot of the social work jobs I’m looking at require you to give so much. Sometimes I doubt myself, maybe it’s partially because I have been feeling worse lately. But I want to be in the space where I’m able to support others and not feel so triggered easily. I was better before, I want to get better again. Maybe I need a med adjustment. Im still figuring things out. I also need to find a way to make these OCD thoughts less paralysing. OCD is tricky, like I want to unstuck myself, but I’m not entirely sure how. I’m sure the mixed episode is probably making it a bit harder, but I wish I knew what to do. Maybe I need to reprogram this cultural understanding of trauma, but not sure how

[Dreamy]

@creative_writer i spoke to my doctor about the possibility of me having both adhd and asd and he said it's highly likely given alot of the symptoms tie in with each other. But he said it's not worth trying to get a diagnosis as financially i couldn't afford it and the public system is too long a wait list. 

Social work jobs can be good but yes you do have to give alot which can take alot out of you. It's easy to get triggered when you can relate to alot of things yourself, I often struggle here and avoid some posts cos they are too triggering. You can get better again, it's just going to take time and it's a matter of finding what works to get you there. Ocd is definitely a tricky one and one that's different for everyone so there's no one size fits all solution. You really are doing such a good job and you have supports in place to help you through this which is great. Keep doing what you are doing and i hope things start to settle and get easier for you soon. Sending you hugs ❤️ 

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy I haven’t had those official diagnoses. My initial psych did some screeners and gave a form to my parents, so sort of unofficially diagnosed me with ASD. I spoke to my pdoc about potentially having ADHD. He didn’t think there was any point getting a diagnosis if I wasn’t going to take meds for it. I know diagnoses tend to be cheaper when done through universities with a provisional psych, but there is still a fee.

I struggle with certain trauma details. Graphic details can feel too much. I reckon OCD will partially be managed through meds and other part through therapy. The thing is humans are so complex, we can hold opposing beliefs about ourselves. It gets super confusing, you believe one thing, and then you believe another. It feels like you’re constantly at war with the two parts. I don’t know if I am part 1 or part 2