Life and trauma

[Former-Member]

@MJG017 indeed it was the call. Who would have thought a phone call from the ambulance service could trigger a panic attack. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member  The oddest things can kick off our minds in the strangest ways.  Was it anything thy said, or just the call itself?

[Former-Member]

So someone reported anonymously that I had a plan to hurt myself (which i don't). But I've been through so much previously with ambulance trips and hospital stays that it's triggered everything and it's all just coming rushing back. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member  I know it's not even close to being the same, but i've had 2 panic attacks in my life.  The first was a week before I had to have and MRI scan and the thought of being put head first into a narrow tube just freaked my out so much one night that even the sheets and the darkness seemed to close around me and i stayed up the rest of the night with the light on playing a word game on my phone just to try and calm myself down.  The 2nd one, was a week later when they put my in the MRI and I stupidly decided to have a quick look when I was inside. 

I've never had panic attacks before and it seemed to strange that this one thing was the thought that fired them off.  I still don't really understand it, i've never been claustrophobic but something about it just made me lose control!

I hope the initial shock and that trigger is at least starting to subside and you feel a bit calmer now.  Just keep trying to focus an anything else I guess... far easier said than done I know.

[Former-Member]

@MJG017  mri's are scary and I had to have one recently so I can sympathise with you there, the doctor actually prescribed me medication to calm me down before it which i chose not to use. I used to be able to stop a panic attack before it got to this point, but lately it's been happening more often and I've been waking up having a full on panic attacks, really makes sleeping hard. I've been in this constant state of panic now since 8.01pm and it's not showing any signs of easing so I'm in for a long night. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member  I must admit, i'm in no rush at all to ever have another MRI again!  I've had a few CT scans when you're put though a big 'donut' and was perfectly fine... but the MRI's... no thanks.

Do you have any idea why you don't seem to be able to stop the panic attacks now?  Is it just mental exhaustion, the time of year, or something else that you think has made them so much harder to control?

[Former-Member]

@MJG017 i try to avoid both mri's and ct scans but I've had several over the past year or so and they never stop being scary. 

I'm really not sure, I've just lost that control over them. Like when I'm in public i used to be really good at hiding them so noone would know but now it's happening to the point where people have noticed and tried to help which for me is very embarrassing. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member  I get times when i start to feel a bit light headed and dizzy.  Nothing too bad, i've gotten used to it, but I've also been good at hiding it.  I was at the shops a few weeks ago and it got quite bad and i had to just lean up against a pole and this couple stopped to ask me if I was okay and if i needed any help.  It was embarrassing and I felt like I was some frail broken person.  I try to look at it now like some people noticed I was struggling a little bit and stopped to check if I was okay.  Yeah, it's embarrassing still, but it's also kind of nice to know someone was concerned enough to stop and ask if i was okay.  If I saw someone struggling a bit I'd hope that I would do the same for them.

I think the thing for me, is that I've always deal with everything on my own and now that i'm older and have a few health issues now, maybe that pride is just getting in the way of me acknowledging when I need a bit of help and that it's okay.  Given the choice, i will still try to hide it, but it's a work in progress.

It sounds like you are just probably exhausted rather than just something getting worse for you.  Constantly fighting our own struggles, mental and physical, is draining

and it becomes so much harder to deal with when it was easier before.  It could just be the mind or body's way of saying "I'm tired and i'm not going to fight this right now".  So not that it helps you in any way right now but possibly the loss of control with these panic attacks is just your minds way of just taking a break from the fight for a while and things will start to improve soon.  It's just a thought anyway... something to consider. 

[Former-Member]

@MJG017 that dizzy and light headed feeling happens to me more times than I can count in a day and has for most of my life. It's horrible and happens at the most inconvenient times but I'm glad someone took the time to check in with you in that moment. 

Unfortunately i don't think it's just exhaustion as it's been happening for many months now and it's just getting worse as time goes on. I've spoken to my doctor about it and he knows that things have gotten harder for me and he is trying to help me through it but there's no magic cure for this. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member  I can understand that frustration of doctors acknowledging things are getting worse and more difficult but just basically shrugging their shoulders when you ask how to fix it!  It's definitely so challenging that sometimes, more often than i'd like, it just feels to hard to keep fighting.  I've reached that point a few times this year, but somehow find a way to carry on.

Considering what you've been through and have been dealing with, it doesn't seem out of the realms of possibilities that exhaustion you have could last for months.  As I said in one of my earlier posts, you've been through so much, more than a lot of us could even imagine, so acknowledging that and just how difficult anyone would find it and just try to be a bit kind to yourself.  I think about what i've been through the past 2 years and then read what you're dealing with and it just inspires me to keep fighting for every little bit of peace I can find.  Don't underestimate that strength and resilience you have.  Someone here told me not too long ago that they wished I could see myself, as others saw me.  I still don't think i am close to that, but i'm starting to.  None of this is easy or quick as i'm sure you are aware more than most.