'Major despressive disorder with co-morbid anxiety symptoms'

[Zinoviev]

That subject is quoted from a letter from my GP to my erstwhile employers. In it, she counselled against my ever returning there.

I've been dealing (or not, more to the point) with depression for years now, but last year my head imploded. I've been on indefinite leave from my job as a middle manager with a professional association since December.

My psychologist recently got me to complete a questionnaire to identify what schemas (automatic thought patterns) dominate for me because positive alternative thoughts were sometimes just not forthcoming. So what I've got is a combination of:

• self-sacrifice
• unrelenting standards
• negativity/pessimism
• punitiveness
• emotional deprivation.

I've got a page-and-a-half description from her of my feelings gleaned from the questionnaire. I quibbled about the details, but overall she was on the money.

So, anyway. I'm in my mid-40s and getting passed over for jobs for which I'm eminently qualified. And if I go back, my head will implode again.

[CherryBomb]

Hi Zinoviev,

Welcome to the saneforums. 

Sounds like it was hard to having your feeling/thoughts mirrored back to you, but very eye opening. 

How are you feeling about not returning to work? I ask because many people can have mixed feelings about this. 

Hope to hear from you soon,

CB

[Zinoviev]

Hi CB, and thanks.

Mixed feelings, as you say. I know the sooner you get back in, the easier it is. But I don't want to be set up to fail. I don't want to have a relapse.

As for having the feelings/thoughts mirrored back, not that hard. Mostly, I already was very familiar with them. So it actually felt encouraging to have someone able to understand.

Z

[coffeegirl]

Hi Zinoviev,

I love your profile pic - is that your cat?

Just curious to know if you enjoy the content of your work (so outside of the workplace environment)

Welcome to the forums, I haven't "seen" you around her before 🙂

CG

[Zinoviev]

Hi CG,

My avatar: I've heard depression described as the 'black dog', originally by Churchill (I think). But I'm a cat person. Yes, that's my cat. He doesn't talk much, but he does follow me around.

The job: half of it, I would have just about done for free. Half of it, where I relied on internal colleagues, was positively infuriating. On balance maybe most jobs are like this.

And yes, I'm new here.

Z

[CherryBomb]

Hi Zinoviev,

I can see that on one hand the longer amount of time you have the more difficult it can be to get into work, yet on the other hand, having a shorter amount of time could lead to a relapse. On both ends, it can create a worry. 

By the sounds of you last email, you workplace has it perks and downfalls. On a scale, would you say it's more positive than bad or the opposite way around?

How you finding having time off? Enjoying have the time to yourself?

[Maude]

Hello Zinoviev

Is there any way that you could start by going back to work part time?

[Zinoviev]

CB, I've been spending a lot more time with my daughter than I was able to in the past.

I've also been writing (not a journal; I did that a long time ago. I found it really didn't help). This is a work of fiction that I have under way. Someting I started a few years ago then put aside when time got tight. I now have nearly a complete first draft.

Also, getting fit and healthy. I found that I lost weight last year when I was really stressed. I didn't mean to. I also didn't eat less. I just burned through it all, like a V8 Valiant, going nowhere. I knew I was losing weight, but I didn't realise I'd slipped back to my weight when I was 19.

On the subject of the workplace: it's not the worst workplace I've been in, though things got kind of personal between me and my boss. I think it'd take a lot to repair that loss of trust.

[Zinoviev]

Hi Maude,

I thought about this. It was suggested by my GP earlier this year too. In practice, it'd be hard and I have my doubts they'd agree to it.

[JubileeJohnson]

HelloZ,

I know nothing about you or your situation other than what you've written in your posts.

Putting the 'bad' stuff to one side...

You are spending more time with your daughter.  Good.

You are getting fit and healthy, and losing weight.  Good.

You don't have to put up with [not sure about the language ettiquette on this forum] idiots at work. Good.

And you are writing. And you write, good.  You've got the vocabulary, you've got the grammar skills.

Youv'e got 'colour': The V8 similie, the Black Cat (that's funny, original and inventive.)

Go ahead and enjoy your depression I say.