Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Brave you @Former-Member 

[eudemonism]

@Meowmy  what does si and sh stand for? 

[Former-Member]

@eth 

Thanks its all behind me now

& story is out there

[outlander]

sounds yum @eth
may need to try that one out sometimes

[Former-Member]

@eth 

Not sure if i mentioned it but dva r now in near future adding in busineses that we get discounts for.

Ill b interested to c what businesses come into this scheme.

Its certainly great they pay for all mental health now as so many have been affected

They told me they might b able to help me with employment later too.

I said just let me get thru this course first. Dont want to take on too much & then flip out

[Former-Member]

@eth 

@outlander 

@eudemonism 

@Doglover 

@Appleblossom 

@saturnzoon 

@Shaz51 

@Gazza75 

@MDT 

@Zoe7 

Gosh i wish this was easier to type in names.

Im crying & its hard to concentrate on typing

Guess submitting my dva claims have stirred things up.

I was finally happy when i was in the army. I had a secure income, friends, could always work more if i wanted to. I was paying off my first car had a fiance. I had a life & then it was all taken from me. 3-4mnths in hiding fighting my case then cause of miscommunication or just men supporting male abuse i was arrested & tortured in solitary confinement for 13days. I have no memory for the first 7days out. Its totally blank & not from drinking or taking drugs. That came later. I was only 19!  No1 helped me. Civillians couldnt have access to help me. I was trapped. I was in total shock when i came out. Sat starring at the wall blank.

My life started at age 12 with sexual abuse & then escalated.

By age 22 i was a pro fulltime cause i couldnt do anything else. Men had abused me that much.

Here i am now at 55 & still blocking men that r trying to get sex from me.

I still question why this is still happening to me. I do absolutely nothing to attract it other than existing.

How dare they say its because ur so hot. 

How dare they see me just for their sexual pleasure & nothing more.

Im a total human being.

Ive seen the worst side of men, the truth of them. I dont think ill ever trust them again

Even my 16yr old boy has commented on how badly boys treat girls. 

Its so hard to rebuild ur world when uv been exposed to the ugly side

Anyway i just need to cry tonight as it hurts to look back at how i was treated

Im amazed im alive with the amt of sexual abuse i endured

Sadest part is that men honestly dont get why sexual abuse harassment assault affects women. They honestly dont get it & thats where the problem lies

[Angels333]

Oh @Former-Member That's a heartbreaking story.    I'm really sorry all that has happened to you.     Here for you 💕💕

[Former-Member]

@Angels333 

Thanks just overwhelmes me how much sexual abuse harassment & assault ive survived

Its like its punishment for being good looking

Others around me always think im so lucky for being slim or big breasted etc but they go home to a husband & family

I live with all these memories & still push men away.

Its gotta b past life karma or something i really dont get it. Other women dont have all this with men. I had such a huge amt at such a young age.

I dont know anyone locked in solitary confinement at 19. Even the jail guards said i wasnt like others that came thru there. Yeah thats cause i wasnt supposed to b in there. I was told by govt heads i wasnt to b apprehended itrusted this govt.

I trusted everyone & thats where i ended up & they wouldnt release me. 

[Former-Member]

@Angels333 i mean seriously working as a pro age 22 with a disease from being raped as a nurse.

U do the right job & they still harm u.

Thats why i did it & so many others do cause of the hurt from being sexually assaulted

Only so much u can take & i broke so hard i couldnt work. Sat in a bucket of water to pee i was in that much pain. I couldnt b a nurse & care about anyone else anymore.

My pain was physical & emotional. Dr didnt even ask if id reported it. No1 cared.

Pattern of my life being sexually assaulted & no1 caring til i was left with nothing

No self worth at all

Pro work kept me alive. Paid the rent.

No1 talks about that work. Men create it tho

Theyre willing to pay 300 for a total stranger.

Heres me teaching exercise for $20 an hr.

I really question what the hell im doing hey. 

[eth]

Good morning @Former-Member I really hope you're feeling a little better this morning.  Sometimes writing your painful past can be helpful to you and sometimes it can leave you feeling wide open and swamped by all the feelings  that come up.  I hear you.  I too have a past that's riddled with abuse in all its many forms including dv, assault, abuse by police and more since my early childhood, so I think I understand some of what you're going through.  Complex PTSD is really a hard place to be and can infiltrate every aspect of our lives.  And doing the EMDR, as helpful as it is in the long run, can leave us raw at times.  For me some of what happens is that as aspects of an event are processed in that safe space with my psychologist it enables more details that my memory had supressed to come to the surface.  So sometimes we need to do a few sessions on one event or issue to deal with it thoroughly enough to help.  This is currently happening for me in relation to all the times I've been abused, man-handled and taunted and detained by the police.  So I feel for you very deeply.  I'm 56 now and still working through many events.   And regarding having been a 'working girl' - no judgment at all from me.  

I get that it's hard to compare what you can now earn to what you earned in those days, but it seems you have a lot to respect yourself for, for the resilience and determination you show every day and your efforts to study and give yourself a new career.

I also get that sometimes being attractive can feel like a curse.  Some men (not all thank goodness) are so totally conditioned to think with their d!@ks and have no idea how to be friends with a woman without putting the word on her.  And our society doesn't pressure these men to change any where near enough.  And the world of social media gives them yet another avenue to express their mysogeny and target good women.  I could rant on that topic but will stop myself here.

Just know I am thinking of you today and sending my warmest wishes.  You are in a safe place here on the forums and I thank you for your brave sharing.  I really hope it's helpful for you.  Take care x