I tried to be happy @Jynx but I think being tired makes it harder. I did feel a little better during my nightshifts in the earlier part of the shift anyway. I also got put on a dump with an operator that I reported for harassing and bullying me. I did just fine. Except one time I backed into the wrong spot and moved forward to respot and she said over the two way to move forward and respot. I said over the two way ‘I already am!’ She never said another word.
Im feeling a little more confident in myself at times. Not often but it is there.
I just had the appointment with my psych and told her that we came to the conclusion that my bucket of shit was full and the snake exploded it. I told her of my complete meltdown and she said it sounded almost primal.
We talk through some stuff, she asked about suicidal thoughts and I said no but that I just don’t want to be alive anymore.
We talked about the snake. My distress levels went through the roof. She asked me if I was comfortable to go outside to the spot the snake was in and I said NO. I think she wanted me to take the computer out there! lol. She asked me a few questions on what I do but I told her that I don’t go out there. I take the dogs out to do their business and that’s it. I told her that the fear is really bad. The snake deterrent stick boxes have a snake on them and even looking at that snake sends shivers down my spine. She asked if I could look at a drawing of a snake or a cartoon and I said no. Turns out I have a snake phobia! I told her it was ridiculous how one experience can cause so much fear. Apparently it’s quite common and with how close to it I was it’s not surprising.
Now we are doing exposure therapy. She was describing cartoon snakes that she was looking at and checking my distress levels. I was distressed but it did slowly decrease and then she described a cartoon one that was brown. My levels went straight back up.
Now I have to write about a snake twice a day until my distress levels are lowering, then I have to look at snake cartoons if I get to that stage
