Lived Experience Forum

[Charlotte01]

So helpful and insightful! Not sure I would get accepted into a program that does the 3 hours per week. I would happily do more hard yards but very unclear how to access this type of support. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks again for a really helpful reply.

[Ferylgirl]

Hi @Charlotte01 

I am 56, also have Borderline PD, and also struggle endlessly with maintaining friendships.

I make friendships, mess up, try to fix them and fail. Like you I have worked really hard with counsellors and psychologists over the years to learn what I can. It was not until recently when I had mental health support workers supporting me to understand friendships and remind me of what is ordinary in people and also reassure me when I think something sucks and it does. The one on one support is so much better than just talk therapy. Don't get me wrong there is plenty of good in talk therapies but one on one out in the community just works better for me. 

I do tend to be judgemental and angry too. Now I can identify that response in me I am better at controlling it, (just). The push-me-pull-you nature of our response cycles seems to be a self protection and is so we do not need to feel the grief of being abandonned and so we get in first. Be patient with yourself. It is hard work to break these cycles. Noticing the cycles is the first and hardest step to breaking them 

Sometimes we are a bit judgemental and it is well founded, and yet we gain nothing by making the judgement. I found that noticing the cycles was the first step. Then noticing what we are doing while in the cycle is the next step and eventually we notice straight away that we want to be judgemental, and at the same we dont want to be, but we do it anyway. the next step is noticing it and then preventing ourselves to do that. It is dang hard work. 

Loneliness has always been so hard for me to deal with as it comes from strong feelings of being abandonned and rejected. Add to that the belief that everyone else is doing fine and the life of every party and I tie myself in knots with it all. 

Of course my depression and anxiety intensify these feeleings and experiences. I have realised that for me the loneliness I feel is a lie that my depression tells me. Anxiety amplifies that lie. That is why I can be in a room with people I care about and feel lonely, it actually is not real. Depression tells me I am lonely and I take that as truth. Once accepted as truth the anxiety steps in and amps everything up. 

The dark truth for me is, I am scared shitless to reach out to people in case they reject me. 

When I started to understand that all of our feelings are just the result of a chemistry experiment by our bodies releasing naturally occuring chemicals, I started to understand there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. and a difference between feeling scared and facing something scary. Our feelings do not always reflect what is actually happening.

I am probably doing my preachy thing by this point so will wish you well and let you know I am happy to discuss any of this with you. 

[Charlotte01]

Hi @Ferylgirl

Wow, such a helpful reply! How do you access mental health support workers?

I did not found your post “preachy”at all. I long to find a way not to “push and pull” and to be able to sustain and grow a small group of friends. 

It sounds like discussing and understanding when getting triggered into judgement and anger can really help. I found your insights really helpful. I too am terrified of abandonment and rejection. I would love to here more about the “dang hard work” you have been doing as it sounds like you are really getting somewhere with this incredibly debilitating cycle!!  Thanks very much Charlotte01.

[Ferylgirl]

Hi @Charlotte01 

thanks for writing back so soon. 

Flourish would be able to sort that our for you and in the interests of fairness I do have to say that my mental health support workers are via Wellways. Both organisations are great. 

Oh, I am glad it did not come off as preachy because some have said I do. 

There are two therapies that help get a solid insight into ourselves and what makes us tick, and then onto how to find the way to refrain from the push-pull cycle. If you have not done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) I suggest you get some help to find psychologists skilled in one or both of these. Again Flourish should be able to help with that or you can 'google' therapists in your area with these skills. If your history includes traumas do also see if you can find a skilled therapist who works in a trauma-informed way. You don't really need to fully understand these therapies to benefit from them. I tend to give a new psychologist at least three appointments before I decide if they will help or not. Things can go awry in the first couple of sessions. ie. a sore point being hit too early, or just feeling so judgemental as we walk in the door that we haven't actually given them any chance to relate or build rapport with us. These therapies are some of the dang hard work I have done.

Most of the other work has been reading books that help me understand relationships and also reading a lot about Borderline and PTSD (I have both) 

And the hardest work of all was learning to let myself be ok with me. learning to be forgiving of myself, and to be kind to me. I am great at doing those things for others but was not doing them for me. 

It really is a lifelong learning journey. 

Some things that have carried me along in times of stress have been mindfulness, meditation, yoga, sitting under a tree with my back against the trunk and just let myself connect to that tree and its deep roots and tall branches. Practicing playing an instrument (Badly, but joyfully). Drawing, painting, singing, and any other creative pursuit. Not that I am good at any of them but really to just let myself explore the creative side of me. Learning to play games without having to win was a bit of a challenge but playing chess with a six year old who learned the game quickly and learned to smash me within six months helped me do that. 

I hope this all helps a bit. Please do only take on board what suits you. There is no single path to healing.

Regards.

[Delicatessen]

I have had trouble connecting with people all my life. I’ve never really identified what the most optimal level of closeness I can tolerate is. But whenever that point is reached subconsciously I just pull right back (aloofness may take over that is pronounced but not deliberate). This may happen any time without warning.

I only just became aware of the above. To be honest, though it has kept me safe. I’m not sure if it’s something I even want to change at this point.  I do know that if I decide to change there’s probably a long road ahead. Meantime I’ll just stay mindful. Sorry to not be more positive.

[tyme]

It's great to see you around @Delicatessen ! I've missed your posts lately.

In terms of what you have posted, please don't feel sorry for it. You have been very honest about where you currently are in your journey and this is very much appreciated.

I hear you when you mentioned aloofness is a protective factor. I have also felt this in the past, and in a way, quite comfortable with it too. 

Would I want it to change anytime soon? Not really. 

Is this my BPD speaking? Probably.

Will I regret it? No

Do I feel lonely? Definitely NO! I'm alone but don't feel lonely.

Cheers,

tyme 

[tyme]

Hi @Charlotte01 ,

I'm not sure of the state you reside, but Project Air and Spectrum run courses for BPD specifically.

A good place to start is with the Australian BPD Foundation newsletter they publish each month. Towards the end of the newsletter, they have events/courses/updates about BPD therapies, support groups, art groups etc.

Here's the link to the website:

https://www.bpdfoundation.org.au/

See how that goes.

Also, for future reference, when you want to notify a member of your response to their post, type "@" in front of their name. A drop down list of names will appear for you to choose from. They will then receive a notification and not miss your posts.

Kindest,

tyme