I'm lost and can't seem to do right

[Bruce1007]

Hi, this is the first time I've ever admitted to it but I'm struggling a lot with all aspects of my life from financial, kids, exes and most importantly the connection between myself and my beautiful partner.

I don't know where to go or who to talk to (I'm not good a opening up) I'm scared if I talk to my partner about all this she'll think I'm weak or some shit like that.

My older brother ended his own life a while back and I always said I wouldn't entertain the thought but lately it just seems like the idea has crossed my mind a few times.

[Ed1975]

Hi @Bruce1007 

My older brother did the same 12yrs ago.

I recently lost my marriage due to me not speaking up. I should have said something years ago about my inner thoughts and depression but I thought she would leave. I was also deeply ashamed of myself. I spiralled out of control in the last few years and now I've lost what I had. I just gave up giving a f*%k, tbh.

Now I'm dealing with CPTSD and depression in my 50's. 

Speak to her.

You need to speak to her. Write down everything you want to say in a letter if you have to, or have 6 beers and open up. She won't think less of you. 

[Bruce1007]

I've tried a few times now mate but it gets twisted and shit it's like my heart and head are fighting all the time and my mouth doesn't know who to listen to

[Appleblossom]

Ah.. that is 3 of us who have lost a brother to suicide... @Ed1975 @Bruce1007 it is the most difficult death to grieve.

Often blokes have more difficulties expressing feelings cos it wasn't encouraged. I am female but only getting better talking about feelings recently... As in late in life... I am an old grey mare. Lol

[Ed1975]

@Bruce1007

You then need to put it in writing.