I'm lost and can't seem to do right

[Bruce1007]

Hi, this is the first time I've ever admitted to it but I'm struggling a lot with all aspects of my life from financial, kids, exes and most importantly the connection between myself and my beautiful partner.

I don't know where to go or who to talk to (I'm not good a opening up) I'm scared if I talk to my partner about all this she'll think I'm weak or some shit like that.

My older brother ended his own life a while back and I always said I wouldn't entertain the thought but lately it just seems like the idea has crossed my mind a few times.

[Ed1975]

Hi @Bruce1007 

My older brother did the same 12yrs ago.

I recently lost my marriage due to me not speaking up. I should have said something years ago about my inner thoughts and depression but I thought she would leave. I was also deeply ashamed of myself. I spiralled out of control in the last few years and now I've lost what I had. I just gave up giving a f*%k, tbh.

Now I'm dealing with CPTSD and depression in my 50's. 

Speak to her.

You need to speak to her. Write down everything you want to say in a letter if you have to, or have 6 beers and open up. She won't think less of you. 

[Bruce1007]

I've tried a few times now mate but it gets twisted and shit it's like my heart and head are fighting all the time and my mouth doesn't know who to listen to

[Appleblossom]

Ah.. that is 3 of us who have lost a brother to suicide... @Ed1975 @Bruce1007 it is the most difficult death to grieve.

Often blokes have more difficulties expressing feelings cos it wasn't encouraged. I am female but only getting better talking about feelings recently... As in late in life... I am an old grey mare. Lol

[Ed1975]

@Bruce1007

You then need to put it in writing.

[Legoguy]

I lost my sister a few years ago to cancer. 

I have struggled for years with opening up and with ex's. I had a wonderful partner who loved me immensely. She was the light of my life. But because of my own stupidity and not talking to her about what I was struggling with and what was going on inside me. I lost her. Big time. She has completely blocked me and left me. I have lost everything because of my own actions and problems. 

Open up to her. Be vulnerable. Cry. Ask her to just let you get it out. She will understand. She might get frustrated or go quiet. But just get it out to her. If she loves you, she will listen and understand and help you. 

I wish that I would have. Now im 47 and back living with my parents while I try to get my life back on track. 

Dont make the same mistake as me. 

[Jynx]

@Legoguy just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, then it will show up in blue, like this: @Bruce1007 

I'm sorry you went through that, too, sounds so hard 💜

[Legoguy]

It has been hard. Especially today as it was my now ex partners grandsons 2nd birthday today. I miss him so much.