I just discovered this space today, and I am so grateful to the team for setting it up. I don't know any other military families, so I've been dealing with this stuff in isolation.
My father is a Vietnam Veteran. He was not conscripted. He chose to join and had a long military career - 30 years in the regular army and many more years in the reserves. He didn't leave until medically discharged, such was his commitment to service.
My parents met when Dad was just fresh from service and she was fresh out of a domestic violence relationship with an alcoholic. Dad was an upgrade - he never hit her - but the emotional explosions, inability to care for us, and lack of ability to have even a tiny bit of connection or conversation haunt us. We have a cascade of broken-down family relationships and an extended family rife with so many problems we can barely manage to get by, let alone have enough juice to support each other.
Four years ago, I came to realise I had an eating disorder and sought treatment - I had no idea what I would unravel. I've been in pretty intensive therapy ever since. In the process, I have also been diagnosed with C-PTSD, chronic pain disorder, and IBS... all mental health-related conditions.
During my therapy, I have started to understand and reckon with the outcomes of my father's service - including domestic violence, abject emotional neglect, the lack of belonging, and the social and emotional ineptitude of my entire family.
Normalising really shitty treatment by my parents has led to ongoing domestic violence (largely emotional) in my adult life. My daughter took her life, my son, thankfully, is still here, but not without years of extreme suicidality. I have spent 46 of my 50 years in extreme fight or flight.
The intergenerational nature of trauma is so very clear to me that I've gone beyond my father to our ancestors to uncover further traces of trauma through the generations.
I am proud to be the first in a long line of people willing and able to face the trauma but I honestly hope my family line doesn't continue. Despite our best efforts, I just don't know how we can create enough stability and security to create a good foundation for the next generation.
