Running

[avant-garde]

It's just so hard @Jynx 

I have all this grief and I feel like I'm not allowed to feel it that I need to be happy be content and that these emotions are not how you get there

Just do this and you'll be happy

Stop dwelling on the past and you'll be more content

You choose to be this way, choose happy instead...

[Jynx]

@avant-garde I think unfortunately that it's a byproduct of our toxic social norms - in particular, because of the patriarchal values that see 'being emotional' as a feminine quality and thus a sign of weakness. Displays of emotion are seen as disruptive to others, rather than as something that warrants time and attention. That, and the fact that soooo many people lack emotional intelligence - they can't sit with their own difficult emotions and end up suppressing them, so then when others display those emotions they're like 'you're supposed to suppress those' and end up shutting you down. 

Yes, happiness is something we choose, something we create. But it's not so simple as just flicking a switch in the brain - how can one choose happiness when one's sadness has not been acknowledged? How can one choose to stop dwelling in the past when the present still reminds them of it every day? We can only make these choices when our environment actually allows us to. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

I need encouragement expressing this emotion rather than the logic behind it

[Jynx]

@avant-garde of course, thanks for telling me what you need. 

I find it helpful to locate the feelings in my body first. Do you want me to ask you some questions or just be a listening ear?

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

I've never been able to get my head around the emotion and body thing, it just distresses me when I can't do it. 

Questions tend to help

[Jynx]

@avant-garde so little time left in the evening 😢

You might be like me, I struggle with alexithymia - inability to identify emotions in the moment. Sometimes I don't realise till hours later 'oh, that was actually hurtful'. It can be worked on, but obvs not relevant right now! 

Hmm... is there anything that feels really 'big' or 'stuck' inside? You don't have to try to get it out, more just trying to get a feel for where you're at. 

I will also flag that part of me feels a little hesitant to go delving tooooo deeply right now since I'm about to disappear. Can be super jarring to be opening up our vulnerability only to have that person suddenly saying 'okay BYE!' 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Something my case manager said that I didn't quite identify... that I was excited and happy when people in my church did something less wrong, still hurtful but less hurtful than in the past. 

One question that really helped that you asked me ages ago "what's swirling around in your head right now?"

The biggest thing would be the attitude of my church towards me, how invalidating they are towards my emotions, my triggers and my life, how my life isn't as they would picture, that they ask me how I'm going on this that and the other front rather than asking me about my life and how each of these elements contribute to a future they don't see for me...

I know you're leaving in 15 minutes, you don't need to be hesitant, i know my emotional limits and this is nothing I haven't been thinking about already 

[Jynx]

@avant-garde to live unapologetically as one's authentic self can often be seen by others as a threat; because they don't allow themselves the same freedoms, to acknowledge ours as legitimate would be to admit that they are actively choosing to be unhappy by not doing the same. 

Glad to hear it, as I really do wish I could stay. I have more thoughts too, as always! But maybe we can pick this up again on Saturday if you're about. 

Big squish, night night 💜

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

Feeling really shaken, nothing enormous happened but a number of smaller things have

[rav3n]

@avant-garde those small things can quickly add up to make our plate feel heavy, hey. wanna chat about it? here to listen 💙