Running

[avant-garde]

TW: abuse, neglect

Content/trigger warning

I was almost 15 when I started saying no to my dad... started being disobedient and rebellious...
For him, my teeth got in the way of my apparent purpose... he had control over my dentistry because I was a minor... he didn't take me...
We didn't always have toothpaste and my dad bought whatever was cheap... I didn't like the taste of it so for 2 years I didn't brush them...
When I had a toothache my dad had his... methods... until when I was 16 and kept screaming... the dentist have me a tube of toothpaste and it's the same brand I've been using since. 
Once I turned 18 I had 5 extractions under general anaesthetic... going home though I was too drugged up to know my surroundings... he used it as a time to utilise me to a greater capacity... I was too delirious to fight back due to the pain killers...

The next extraction I remember was when I was trapped in the cultic rehab, again in extreme pain and they'd ignored me... until it was too late to save the tooth... they had finally taken me to the dentist and she used the blocks in my mouth, I kept screaming because it hurt and she didn't care, I was in rehab, she didn't know it wasn't for typical reasons I was there.
Afterwards the rehab staff refused me pain killers said that I was attention seeking and food was withheld for 3 days. 

Another was when I kicked the dentist because the anaesthetic didn't work during it.

*curls up in a corner crying*

@Jynx @Ru-bee 

[Ru-bee]

That's a lot to share @avant-garde and I'm glad that felt safe enough to do that here.

I definitely feel I have a deeper understanding of your trauma around dental visits after knowing this, and really appreciate that you could share this. I'm also even more blown away at the strength and bravery you showed at the dentist yesterday

How are you feeling after writing all of that down?

[avant-garde]

@Jynx? @rav3n?

@AuntGlow I can't stop shaking

[avant-garde]

Not ok not ok not ok not ok not ok

I couldn't help it I couldn't help it I knew no better I knew no better not my fault not my fault

Not ok not ok not ok

I can't do this

[AuntGlow]

Hello lovely, I am here with you. What will be most helpful right now?

We've got you, okay? 💛

[avant-garde]

I I shouldn't I shouldn't have to be the one to prove to others that what what what I went through what I went through is possible

I shouldn't shouldn't have to be the one the one to research and find others like like me

It's shouldn't have to be me

Or wouldn't be up to me

It shouldn't it shouldn't

[avant-garde]

@AuntGlow 

TW: ritual abuse

Content/trigger warning

7 years old
Pregnant
Aborted
Destroyed

My first post in this thread may help

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for sharing this context @avant-garde. 

I can hear a real need for understanding; to feel truly seen and heard. I can't even begin to imagine how painful and distressing this experience was for you. No child should ever have to go through this... you deserved to feel safe and protected. I am sensing that this is all feeling really big and present in your body right now. What do you really need in this moment to feel even 1% more safe? ❤️

[avant-garde]

@AuntGlow 

My greatest fear right now is the fear of myself and I know where my mind goes when I'm so so overwhelmed and triggered and it's no where good.

In those instances I need someone to help me ground because my body doesn't want to because the trigger is greater than the skills

[AuntGlow]

I understand where you're coming from, it can be so incredibly hard to feel that sense of trust when we are triggered to this extent. It makes so much sense, so I am happy to hold space for you in any way you need right now. Would you like to work through a grounding practice (do you have a favourite?). 💛