Running

[rav3n]

hi! i'm usually not, covering for one of the mods tonight 😊 @avant-garde how are you going?

[avant-garde]

@rav3n completely wiped and depleted, how are you

[rav3n]

that's rough! wanna chat about it? @avant-garde 

i'm exhausted but hanging in there, i can't wait to sleep-in tomorrow.

[avant-garde]

@rav3n gah it's just a guy at my church, my case manager calls him a $h!the@d and I agree, I think he's been gaslighting me...

I called him out on cancelling on me >50% of the time

[rav3n]

ughh being cancelled that many times would annoy me too, and the gaslighting!? you deserve better. did he at least cancel ahead of time? last min cancellations stresssss me out @avant-garde 

[avant-garde]

@rav3n last night for this morning.

Every time I mention that the cancellations or time changes are not ok that it needs to stop happening he comes back with that he's not my therapist or counsellor, talking about how much time and effort he puts into me, how much energy he puts into me, he could have just said that he'd try to do better but instead he turns it on me acting like I'm the problem, I'm asking too much of him...

[rav3n]

wow... that's frustrating to hear. reading that reminded me of one my friends, he used to say stuff like that too. i think that's why i tend to make more female friends than male ones. @avant-garde really proud of you for speaking up and setting your boundary. i guess sometimes the friendships don't end up being compatible, sucks that he wasn't able to communicate in a better manner.

i gotta hop off, catch ya next time - hope you rest up and get a chance to recharge that energy, take care 💙

[avant-garde]

Something @Glisten said in another thread... "If I’m emotionally or socially invested I let things slide that I shouldn’t"

How many things has he done that I've just let slide?

The biggest thing would've been when he gave my phone number out without my permission because he assumed someone already had it when they asked for it. I changed my phone number within 48 hours. 

The language he uses with me though...

I broke it down last night

I’m sorry you feel that way…

- not taking responsibility 

- my feelings not his actions

I’d like to think my efforts with you 

- I'm an effort for him

have come from a genuine place and that I do really love and care about your wellbeing

- my wellbeing, not me

I’m not your therapist or councillor 

- assuming I think he is

last week I didn’t cancel on you, it just didn’t suit you in the time I suggested… 

- change > cancel (I'm busy too)

this week I didn’t cancel you altogether… I just wanted to change to the afternoon…

- change > cancel (I'm busy too)

Ultimately it reads that I'm an effort, it's my fault and that my time is less important than his

I feel like I'm not his friend, I'm his duty and I've felt that way for a really long time and haven't said anything.

It's all about him and not about me and my life. 

I said it last week, he's not my crisis person, he's too unreliable and made the assumption that I needed him when frankly I don't. 

@Ru-bee 

[Jynx]

@avant-garde hiya hun. 

Wow, you broke it down even better than I could - super insightful. Albeit, perhaps painful process? Or is it feeling kinda empowering/liberating?

[avant-garde]

@Jynx it's hard to see, I don't know whether it's toxic or misogynistic...