Running

[Jynx]

@avant-garde 😡😡 

GRRR who be out here invalidating you like that!! So rude!! I am sorry hun, no surprise that you're feeling hesitant to want to ask for your needs to be met! Being told your needs are an excuse... an excuse for what?! I bet it's some awful narrative, like that you're lazy and trying to scam a lift from someone or something absolutely preposterous like that. 

Sounds like your church has quite the mix, some good eggs sure, but some really nasty ones too. I'm sorry you have to put up with it hun. I hope a solution presents itself, one that feels safe and nice and not just all...last-resorty. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx I'll find out tomorrow, I mentioned it to my elder and he said him and my deacon will get it sorted, I trust my elder, my deacon I'm not so sure about, he brings Delilah to church (the one who coercively controlled me for 9 months) and I don't like that.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde I am glad you have your elder there to advocate for you hun, and hope the deacon plays nice. Totally legit to not feel trusting of someone who an abuser still has their hooks in, by the sounds of it. 

May god ensure you're walking the best path for your journey hun, guess we shall see tomorrow 🤞

[avant-garde]

@Jynx my deacon and I had a really good relationship before she came along, really open and honest, that's what hurts though, that she destroyed that...

[Jynx]

Aye absolutely @avant-garde like the opposite of Midas' Touch.... everything she touches turns to crap. That's really devastating hun, I'm so sorry. 

You wanna keep chatting bout it? Sounds like the relationship with the deacon was important to you.... So I'm just checkin in on your emotional needs rn 😊

[avant-garde]

@Jynx kind of... but was actually more curious this (pg 63 referring to last post on page 62 with 10 posts per page

@Jynx wrote:

@avant-garde hmmm no time for sharing bigger thoughts, drat. Next time. 💜

[Jynx]

@avant-garde ooo well if I did have some specific 'bigger thoughts' at the time, I think they have now evaporated. I can still share some reflections though!

I think there's a pretty big theme of 'not being believed' combined with 'being judged for how you handled it' - and the result is you having to somehow both psychoeducate and advocate, AND convince and defend, in the same statement/retelling? Absolutely horrific. 

Would have been so hard, next to impossible even, to know who to trust, who could be a safe person... 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx no one was safe...

Content/trigger warning

it was after that... I i made... my first... conscious attempt...

*starts crying quietly*

[Jynx]

@avant-garde *bundles you up into very big hug*

Oh hun, course you did. The part of you that wanted SO BADLY for you to no longer endure such pain and misery, was doing the only thing it felt it had left. 

I am glad that you are still here darlin, you mean so much to all of us, and to the world 💜

[avant-garde]

@Jynx I don't understand how I could mean anything to anyone when the ones who were meant to love me didn't...