You know when it all hits? When everything you have ever been through, you get reminded and you wonder how you survived it all? When you kind of wish you didn't?
TW: incest, rape, trafficking, spirituality, child loss
My dad is a monster... I have 2 brothers, older and younger, older one ignored, younger one participated... Dad didn't want a girl... never wanted a girl...
My first time is like burned into my brain, how he groomed me and conditioned me to believe being sexually stimulated as a 2 year old was ok... To be raped as a 3 year old was ok... That I was taught it was normal for kids to play like this with other adults... it was just play...
Nobody taught me otherwise...
I was having fun and got a lot of attention and pretty "clothes", I was taught how to walk, talk, dress and behave how men wanted... I was taught to please them, to satisfy them, that's why I was alive, that's what girls do, they please men...
I got to play a lot and it didn't always hurt, i didn't know it was wrong... nobody taught me otherwise...
Eventually God got involved, that it was the way to go to heaven... to carry a child, saved by child-bearing... that it had to be church leadership... I was 6 when I got my first period and joined that intake to... yeah...
I didn't carry it to term and lost it after my 7th birthday... it wasn't the last I lost though
The "church" expanded by joining with another, the behaviour continued, I just got to have more "playtime", that I went to school them went and "played" then fell asleep and repeated, for 9 years...
I then got baptised and all the twisted and crooked teaching around that!
Then 7 years of non-compliance, where it wasn't fun anymore, that I knew it was wrong, but they had their ways to use me... torture, alcohol, drugs, to make me behave...
Going to the police is terrifying because my mind starts preparing what I need to know, need to tell them, need to remember.
