Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I hate this line so much right now. It doesn't help it makes it worse because I feel like people think that it isn't a real issue and that I should feel this way because "I was just a kid" when it happened. 

How does "your were just a kid" help the guilt, grief and the emotional and physical scars I deal with everyday?

I can say personally it doesn't even "I don't know what to say" is better than "you were just a kid" because at least I don't feel like your telling me that my pains not real

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. I hadn't ever thought of that line as being the way you describe, but I can see now how it may come across as invalidating or dismissive in a way. Maybe it's the word "just" in there? Often a phrase with "just" can feel a bit off to me when it comes to serious and/or emotionally charged issues.

To me that kind of line has felt like it emphasises that things are particularly hard/big/difficult etc because they involve a young person. I've said it ("but they're just kids") referring to mine, and meant that what they were experiencing was especially unfair and not right because of their age.

Either way, I understand the impact that words and phrases can have even if they're meant well, and can hear the pain you're feeling at the moment.

[Former-Member]

I get what you are saying @CheerBear, and I too have used it in reference to my 6 year old son.

I also get that people mean well when they say but don't realise that it can get taken the wrong way when you say it after everyone else just said the same thing

[Lemonjuice]

I hate it too, what does it matter if I was six when it happened, I should have known better. Drives me nuts...only, my therapist asked me how I would talk to my niece if she was in my position...my niece who is the most sweetest, innocent six year old girl. I couldn't treat her the same way I treat myself. It's not a 'suddenly, I am cured' thing cause the negative self talk is still there, but I feel I can challenge it a little...short circuit it.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Lemonjuice@Former-Member@CheerBear

i hate when people say to me “just get over it, it happened when you were a child”

you csnt “just get over it”

the pain the hurt the abuse 

people that haven’t gone through this shoukd ssy nothing 

they don’t understand 

[Lemonjuice]

@BlueBay, exactly. It never leaves you. Maybe it won't be as intense or have as much energy when memories come up, but those memories are lifelong. I don't know, guess, have to find a way of living with them, making peace with them...as much as possible.

[BlueBay]

@Lemonjuice I don’t think I’ll rver be able to make peace. The memories the pain the vivid pictures / I csnt.  How do you let go or peace over child abuse. I was only 9 yrs old. 

This was 42 yrs ago / it feels like just the other day. 

You are right it never leaves you. And to be honest I don’t know how to live with it. 

I also have sh snd duicide ln my mind. Even when I’m ok. I plan all these plans in my head of how to suicide. 

Im not sure what I want anymore. 

[Queenie]

Hey there @Former-Member @CheerBear @Lemonjuice @BlueBay, these words to me sting a little... you were just a kid... oh boy! I was a child thrust into an adult world when I was abused. A time when young minds are still developing and learning things like trust and acceptance and love. I think I grew up a little warped because of my experiences. I learned quickly that all love is conditional and trust and acceptance were useless.

Yes I was just a kid. I shouldn't have been treated the way I was, but however, treated that way I was indeed and somehow being told I was "just" a kid is one of the most invalidating things someone can say. For me it goes along with "take a spoonful of cement and hard the f up"... so condescending. 

I find it even harder these days because at the time of the abuse, the words "you are just a kid" came from rare supporters and givers of comfort. Nowdays these same people have sided with my abusers and use those words in the most vile ways possible, I guess, in some ways continuing the abuse. I feel for all of you to know these words and how painful they are.

[Lemonjuice]

@BlueBay, have a look at my posts for the past week or so, and you will realize, you're not alone. You're not making this journey alone, we're all making that journey together, supporting each other until we do figure out how to live with this stuff.