Lived Experience Forum

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Wow, it is amazing that your nephew finally spoke up bout his issues. Acknowledging that one is in trouble and needs professional help, is the first huge step towards recovery! I hope everything goes well with him. He is lucky to have such a kind and understanding aunt to guide him, though!

Yes, studying something we are interested in, certainly makes a HUGE difference! I should have gone back to university much earlier. but my situation didn't really allow that. Better late than never, I suppose.

The weather here is also starting to get more pleasant. I really dread those hot summer days, to be honest. The heat gets on my nerves and cooks my brain! Thankfully those days are gone, at least until the end of this year!

I really do want to get more social. But I often feel like there is some invisible force stopping me from taking that leap. I think deep within, it has still got to do with my inferiority complex, and the fear of not being accepted as part of any group. I am starting to get really comfortable with my solitude, which scares me because this is not the kind of life I envisioned.

[Hope4me]

Hey @aficionado 

I've had a busy Sunday and couldn't get on here till now. Hope your weekend's been good.

Yeah; it's hard to break those habits of being comfortable with isolation. I must admit, I'm sort of where you are with that, but I'm much older so the social aspect of my life isn't as important as it used to be.

The reason I bought it up with you I suppose is to encourage exploration in that area to suit your age. You so deserve company and social activities to brighten your day my friend.

A while after my brain broke, I forced myself out into the open to relearn confidence. I settled with listening an awful lot to compensate for an inability to speak without feeling anxious. Others appreciated this more than I realised. lol

That's the thing you know; people love talking about themselves. When there's someone willing to listen, smile, nod and validate them, it raises their spirits. Everyone loves that! 😊 The down-side is attracting people who don't engage in both directions. That's disheartening; my family are great at talking, but fail to listen and ask questions.

I'm wondering if there's a social group in your area. I went to one yrs ago where others just like me were willing to smile and listen. It was nice. I ended up planning our Xmas party which was a huge hit with the group. I bet they're still talking about it! Ha! I'm so humble eh? 😎😁

Well I best be moving on; got more to do. I hope you have a beach or nice park to walk or do some study. A different environment could help to cheer you up.

Take care;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Well...I kinda crave for those busy days again! Haha! I am free for the most part now, but I am making reasonably good use of my free time - studying, completing university assignments, upskilling myself to try and find a job, and also applying for jobs I feel I would like to do. Apart from this, I am also chilling out a bit with music, video games and workouts at the gym. I am enjoying this phase of my life, but I still miss the routine of having a full time job and planning other stuff around it.

From what I understand, you try to be isolated because that is how you want it, right? I mean...I remember you saying that being around people can drain you out.

I'm glad you brought up the matter of listening to people. I have always been pretty poor at this. Due to my insecurities, I usually end up speaking more than listening. And this usually annoys the other person, and they label me with words like 'narcisstic', 'self-centred' etc. I used to get offended by these labels before, but then I realised that there is an element of truth to it. My behaviour was just a way for me to try and hide my deep insecurities (which was involuntary, because I never realised it), and it almost always backfired. My therapist helped me out in this area, and I am now a much better listener than I used to be (although I still need to improve).

As for the social groups in my area, I feel a bit awkward about those. So what I am trying to do instead, is signing up for student groups at my university. This may work better for me due to the common goal of education! I just hope I can eventually overcome the inferiority complex I have, about feeling less of a human than others. This is the main reason I find it hard to interact and mingle with people. I feel inferior about a variety of things - My height, earning capabilities, ethnicity, accent and some other stuff too.

Anyway, your message did cheer me up - As always!

[Hope4me]

My friend @aficionado 🖐

I enjoyed reading your reply. We're both getting to know a little bit more about each other when we post; that's nice. It's a gentle way of communicating which hopefully will raise your confidence and help you feel more accepted 'as you are'. 👍😊

I guess when you get to know someone from the inside first, appearances don't matter. As for earning capacity though, you've admitted this is a cultural quality which takes more effort to change; very different to the Aussie mentality of "She'll be right mate. As long as there's a roof over my head, a car in the garage and a tinnie in the fridge, I've got it in spades!" 😂😉

I'm glad you and your psych made progress with your communication style. I used to be a 'Chatty Kathy' prior to my breakdown. What I realised by listening, was how much information I used to give away about myself, especially the stuff others might judge me for or use against me later on. Being a bit of a mystery to others is safer I feel.

I agree with your group selection idea. Like minded souls (as with this site) tend to be more open to talking, understanding and identifying with your motives and ideas.

I'd like to tell you about a situation I faced when I was in my 20's re 'looks vs personality' but I'm not well today. I'm having a rough time of it with my business plans which has caused some depressive moments. My eyes are swollen from crying and it's taken quite a bit more energy to get through this post.

So I might leave things here and rest. Please don't be concerned as I'm well versed in coping strategies ok.

Have a lovely day; fob off those pangs to be full-time busy and enjoy your time-out.

Warm thoughts;

Hope xo  👵✌

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Pardon me for the delayed response. I was neck deep with my university assignments, and was also trying to meet up with recruitment agents to discuss my options.

I get your point about apperances not mattering once you know someome as a person. But the problem is, apperance is th e first thing you see. And unfortunately, no matter how much we deny it, the world IS superficial and visual to a large extent.

Regarding earning capability, it is mostly cultural, but is hard to shake off when I was part of that culture for the most part of my life. I actually gotta be proud of whatever I earn, because I fought my mental illness and managed to earn something,m in psite of the odds being heavily stacked against me.

By the way, I hope your are feeling better than you were when you posted your reply. You have been a ray of light for so many of us here, so it isn't fair for you go through whatever troubles you are facing.

Hve a grfeat weekend! Cheers!

[Hope4me]

Dear @aficionado 

It's been quite a while since I posted; I apologise my friend. Sometimes life throws curve balls and this past week has had me in a spin. I tend to withdraw when this happens; I'm sorry. I hope everything's going well at your end.

The title of this thread seems apt as I'm having a lot of pressure put on me to find work; any work, from Centrelink. They cut me off my benefit for not filling my quota for job seeking, so when I did what was asked I was immediately short listed for the first position I applied for; three days later I was interviewed. I disclosed my MH issues and past work conflict. I'm hoping this puts them off.

The thought of going back into another workplace is daunting considering my history with bullying and my breakdown. My business has had to be put on hiatus which is really upsetting. I suppose it's my own fault for procrastinating.

I hope you don't mind me venting a little this morning.

I mentioned in my last post about telling you a story from my life to demonstrate how looks aren't everything.

My friend and I were out on the town at a night club in Sydney. She was a stunning Greek girl dressed to the nines and there was me, a plain Jane. Of course the guys were drawn to her beauty and one by one she rejected their requests to dance, where as I was rarely seated having a ball on the dance floor.

She complained to me; "Why are you having all the fun?" (Insinuating there was something wrong with 'them' choosing me over her) I said; "I say yes"

I bet her a weeks wage (being a bit tipsy) I could land anyone she chose before her due to my enthusiasm and smile; she agreed and chose a very handsome guy who walked in the door just afterwards.

He stood at the bottom of the stairs, looked around the room, then came straight to our table through the crowd. She pouted her smiling beautiful lips and fluttered her almond eyes as he leaned over the table and asked me to dance. We both nearly choked with shock! Ha ha

He stayed with me the whole night and asked me out on a date for the following day. I never did get my weeks wage, but hey, the look on her face was more than enough. 😁

That was a valuable lesson for me. And at 25 it came in handy, I met my husband at the same place as our eyes met across the crowded room.

I'm not saying it's easy, I just mean that every now and then we succeed in using other qualities more than our looks. It's harder for people like my friend as her expectations were far higher. Beautiful people have low self esteem sometimes too.

Thankyou for letting me rant; I think I was making up for lost time. 😛

Take care till next time;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Thank goodness you responded. You probably had the members of this community, including myself, worried. Especially because you weren't doing that well when you posted previously.

Please don't apologize for your absence from the forums. We all deal with our problems in different ways. You aren't obliged to post and inspire people here. You do that out of your own free will, which we really appreciate and acknowledge.

I am really sad to know that you are going through so much. Unfortunately, I don't have the kind of flair to inspire and motivate others, like you do. I sincerely hope and wish that things get resolved sooner rather than later.

So you actually want the employer to reject you? Can't you just refuse the job offer, and then inform centrelink that the job wasn't suitable for you due to your health? Pardon my ignorance, I haven't (yet) registered on Centrelink.

Unfortunately, my job search isn't going well. I am getting interviews for programming jobs, but I am messing them up. For jobs that are specific to my level of experience, I realised that I am lacking in a few key skills. And for junior or entry level jobs, I often get told that I am overqualified. I even tried applying for jobs by dumbing down my resume and mentioning only 2 years of experience instead of the 8 I have. That didn't work too, because I couldn't come up with a satisfactory explanation for my supposed 'career gap' (which wasn't really a gap, just me not mentioning my experience during those years).

I am trying to find out if I qualify for disability employment services, and it looks like I do. I have to let go of my programming career (at least for now), and get into some job which pays me enough for my rent and bills. I don't have any immediate financial concerns, but I don't want to let it get down to the wire and cause undue anxiety and stress. Once I complete my postgraduate studies, I should (hopefully) be able to get a job based on my major, and put my past experience behind me.

Wow, your story is funny and inspiring at the same time! I wonder if it will still work today, since Sydney's infamous lockout laws have made night life pretty bland!

On a more serious note, I have struggled with alcohol addiction in the past, and have been sober for over 4 years now. So nightclubs and pubs don't really 'draw' me like they did, back in my early 20s.

Coming back to your experience, I can totally understand what you are trying to convey. Unfortunately, I hail form a highly conservative and traditional culture where interaction between people of the opposite gender isn't encouraged until after marriage. I am physically no longer part of the culture, but it is hard to let go of something that was part of me for a very long time. I really hate this aspect of my culture, but it is pretty hard to rid myself of this mindset. Whatever relationships I have had in the past (my number is very low), were mostly accidental and spontaneous. I don't have what it takes to 'aggressively' pursue women (as it is expected from men these days). Add to that, my self esteem issues and inferiority complex (mostly due to my ethnicity), and most likely no woman would even glance at me. Sometimes I feel like I making all this up in my head, but my thoughts always go back to feeling inferior and inadequate as a human and as a man.

Fortunately, my studies and my job search are keeping me pretty busy now, so I don't 'feel' the loneliness a lot. I just hope I eventually end up in SOME job before I run out of money.

Once again, thanks for posting, and I know you will certainly get out of your current bad phase very soon!

Cheers!

[Hope4me]

Awe...thank you @aficionado. It was really lovely to read your response this morning. Please don't think you can't inspire ok. Just being yourself is a breath of fresh air; honestly. The fact you took what I'd written and addressed it so nicely with your concern and comforting words is more than enough. 😊

Reading you're intending on registering for Centrelink benefits was a bit of a downer for me as I'd never want you to go through what I have trying to be approved for support. It was and still is frustrating and very upsetting to be treated like a financial burden on society.

On the upside though, using the system to top up your $'s is probably a wise move. Please be aware they'll take into account any lump sum payment you received on leaving your last employer.

As for refusing a position? That's considered a breach of their policies; if I did that I'd be cut off and left out in the cold. There are a plethora of jobs in my field which creates a problem for me with doing the bloody applications; it's mind numbing. Each month I 'have' to apply for 12 jobs or I'll lose my benefit; even if it's cleaning toilets.

I'm off to see my GP at 11am to discuss the option of sickness benefits. I had a fall the other day after my interview which was quite distressing. I think it's due to some depth perception issues from my failing eyesight. (Cataract in one eye) The strain it causes each morning is getting worse too.

But enough about me...

It's unfortunate some of your job seeking issues are about being overqualified. Dumbing yourself down? I get that but it's a shame you feel you need to be that way. Have you considered sending your resume and cover letter to a company that might have the position you're after? Sometimes it pays to be tenacious, even if they don't need you now, they might keep your details for future prospects.

Yes, I get the pressure men feel with meeting women; it's an age old problem. The thing is, you said it yourself - impromptu opportunities are normally the way people hook up. It's rarely through conceted efforts to find the right partner.

I hear you with the cultural thing. Familial expectations live deep in our psyche's. In this respect the grief you feel is totally understandable. I'm sorry about that. Would you consider a cultural 'Match-Maker'? From what I've heard, they can have good results.

I'm glad you found my anecdote interesting. It's memorable due to how shocked I was to be approached like that. Don't worry though, I've had my fair share of let-downs too. I was once told I wasn't in the same league as a man who just finished kissing me. He was one of those 'beautiful people' who marry other beautiful people. He left me stranded after a night of dancing and banter. I cried for hours afterwards. Talk about a cut to my core.

I let it go after a while because someone like that doesn't deserve me in their life. It's as simple as that...

Anyway, hope your week is calm and enjoyable. Sending warm hugs your way...

Take care;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

I am glad my words comforted you, even if it was just a little bit. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside!

I'm not happy about registering with CentreLink as well, so it will only be my last resort. I still have some money saved up, so hopefully I can find a job before I run out of funds.

Oh, and you don't have to feel like a burden on the society. We all pay taxes anyway. The taxes you paid would have helped others too.

I didn't know that you can't refuse jobs. In any case, do meet your GP and work out what's best for you. I know it is easier said than done, but do get your cataract removed before you suffer any more potential injuries. My grandma had both her eyes operated upon last year for cataract, and now her eyesight is really good again, even in her 80s.

Yes, I shouldn't be dumbing down my resume, but if that's what gets me the money to pay my bills, I am left with no other option unfortunately. My resume and cover letters are already in the databases of quite a few employers. But what I have noticed, is that they never reach out unless I specifically apply for an advertised role. Even then, the chances are pretty slim because I heard these days, programming jobs usually receive over 200 applications per job. The competition is getting cut-throat. This is another reason why I thought of doing other, less competitive jobs until I complete my post graduate studies, which will also allow me to focus on my education.

I know what you mean about cultural match makers. But it mostly works for people who embrace that culture and follow it. For someone like me, who has always been rebellious towards my culture (because I thought it belongs in stone age), it doesn't work. I have given it a try on a few occasions. You need to provide a laundry list of requirements to the matchmaker (such as education level, salary, height, skin complexion, age preferences etc.), and then they try to match you with those of the opposite gender whose requirements you meet. It just felt wrong to me, as if I was auctioning myself on the open market to the highest bidder. I personally do not care about these superficial aspects (which is also one one of the reason I didn't feel comfortable with my culture). For me, it is more about getting to know someone and forming an emotional bond with them, irrespective of our external traits.

About your let-down, isn't that what makes the successes memorable? Of course, being ghosted like that is a terrible experience. Believe me, I have been ghosted quite a lot too, for really trivial reasons. But experiences like this makes you appreciate your 'good' experiences much more, don't they?

Please take good care of yourself. Better days are coming! Cheers!

[Hope4me]

Thank you @aficionado. As always your post has had a positive effect. I won't write too much tonight, will post more tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for your friendship.

xo