Lived Experience Forum

[SJD_1]

Hi,

I have a query around telling someone with NPD that they have NPD - does this work, and do they recognise themselves as having a personality disorder.  

I have done a lot of reading, and while Narcissistic is thrown around a lot, it seems it is quite rare that someone with the personlity disorder is diagnosed.  Am guessing that someone with NPD doesnt recognised themselves as having NPD?

My father has NPD, and it has taken me a long time to figure this out.  46 years.  I thought all families were like ours??? : __

I recently sent him an email, providing him with information about NPD - the information from SANE fact sheets.

So, just wondering thoughts as to how the information may be received from someone with NPD?

Thank you.

[Maggie]

@SJD_1  Welcome to the forums.

Tricky, is how I would think. My mother had NPD. I’ve done quite a bit of research, just like you have, and didn’t know until,long after I left home.

I would be very surprised if they recognised the disorder in themselves, as according to their outlook, everyone else is to blame for any wrong doings.

I sincerely hope your father responds with respect.

Do you have any support in place for yourself?

Having lived under the pressure of this, I can only imagine the questions you might be asking yourself.

Take care.

[SJD_1]

Thank you for the response @Maggie 

I did recieve a response, via email, and yes very dismissive of any of the information that I had sent.  He did tell me about what he had been doing in general, and that the information I sent was interesting... towards the end of the email he did say that sometimes he says things that are difficult. 

I was actually quite amazed, as although there was no real recognition that the information applied to him, he did respond in a somewhat 'normal' manner and a sort of semi-acknowledgement that he does say some difficult things...   I know that he will not change, and it is everybody elses fault, and all the rest that goes with it....

Really not sure where to from here... I am finding email correspondence the easist form of communication with him, even though very irregular.  Telephone calls generally do not end well.

My mother is still with him, and it makes it very difficult to have a meaningful relationship with either of them, as the blame game just goes round in circles.  

I have considered mediation - with my father, as he is currently living in a property I own, and he refuses to move out to his own home. I am not sure if mediation with a Narcissist works - so have put it on hold, as to avoid the anger that would come, from him... 

[Maggie]

@SJD_1  I guess deep down, we never really know how other people are responding to tricky information. Your fathers respinse was much better than I had personally expected.

I can see how tricky it is, with your mum still living with him. Life must be difficult for her, that’s for sure.

My mother lived in one of my brothers homes, rent free, for years. When he eventually asked for rent, because financially he needed money, it was extremely hard. The world owes narcissistic people a living, and we are lucky to serve, wherever and whenever, according to them.

Maybe try putting yourself first for a change. Easier said than done, but you have gone through a lot. Some support, if you don’t alread have support, would be a place to start.

Take care.

[SJD_1]

Thank you for your responses @Maggie 

Yes it is difficult for Mum, however unless she makes the decision to leave, I cant help in that area.

Completely understand, exactly - the world owes Dad, all of us owe him - right back to owing him for school fees, for a school that I had no choice in attending.  Again, I learnt that it was him - his self-importance and image of sending me, and my brothers to private school.

I don't really have much support - it is difficult trying to explain to people a personality disorder, and dealing with someone with NPD.  They just think he is an arse, even my brothers - who have not really done much research.

Deep down I know that the mediation will not really work - as there is no way he will sit on the end of a phone for an hour or so listening, and responding.. It will just make him angry.  Covid restrications, have restricted the mediation to phone... however in this situation it is actually better than face-to-face.  However, it is a step prior to legal action - which I have suggested to him via email, when I provided a date to move out by.  

I know I need to do something, ignoring the situation has not resolved anything - and he is just getting older.  

It is sad, as i see so many of my friends with nice relationships with their parents where they can talk and actually have a normal conversation as you would with a friend.  I am sad for me that I missed out on that. 

Thank you... 

[Maggie]

@SJD_1  I don’t know if your father has a difficult history, my mother did. No excuse, but survival instinct is very strong. NPD was one of hers, it worked very well for her, not anyone else in the family though.

Does your father come across to the outside world, as Mr Nice Guy?  Leaving many wondering about you? My mother was the sweetest little lady, until they left. No one would have believed us, even if we tried to tell them, which we didn’t.

It’s time to look after yourself. I really hope the mediation works out for you. Legal might be the only way.

I’m sorry your mother is still stuck there, but, as you have said, you can’t go against her will. I’ve looked at families that get on also, and wish things could have been different.

Regarding support, you could ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Just getting it out there can be helpful. So much baggage gets left for kids to carry.

Take care.

Have a look around the forums. Lots of friendly caring people here, you deserve support.

Take care.

[SJD_1]

Thanks again @Maggie 

Yes, he comes across as the funny man, helpful etc.  Behind closed doors completely different.

I have spoke to a councellor on several occassions, however it has come to a point to actually take some action to get my life back - instead of it being all about him.  It has helped cutting out communication and not getting caught up in the rubbish, however I can only avoid it for so long - as he is in the house with my furniture etc...  It is a frustating time, however I am hopefully that change is on the way.

Thank you for listening.

[Maggie]

@SJD_1  Just checking in to see how you are going.

I really hope change is on the way for you to. I think you said he has his own house, so he should be able to move back without too much trouble.

I hope the frustrations are not on going.

Take care. Listening if you would like to talk.

I will tag  @Faith-and-Hope  as she has a wealth of knowledge on this topic. She might take a while to get around to getting here , due to a very busy time atm.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @SJD_1 and welcome to the forums .... 👋

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through.  I got "The Discard" from my soon2bX husband at the end of last year, after a few years of what looked like a dramatic personality and values change ....... turns out he was just coming out of character into his real incarnation ....... it's so shocking nobody can believe it except his family, who appear to be cut from the same cloth, but he is now by far the worst of them.  

Although there is no diagnosis in place, I have been working with a counsellor, and it's pretty clear that all the dots have connnected and there is nothing left on the board closely similar to this .....  the whole pattern is now clear, including having my replacement lined up and in my life, my car, my house when I wasn't there, around a couple of my kids who are not able to defend themselves, before I knew she was there.

Anyway, we are on legal tracks because (of course) everything is "his", and (of course) he was making plans and arrangements for hike keeping me future-faked until he was ready to discard his no-linger-serving-him life and become someone else ...... 

Its our kids who are in a similar boat to yours, only he is pouring on the charm because he needs to make my version of events look unreal to the outside world, and he is overwriting our family history with fabrications ...... it's on helluva mess at the moment.  I have to just keep wading my way through it.

There is a lot more info out there on NPD when you start looking - Dr. Armani is a good starting point, and Katie Morton.  People with NPD don't usually get diagnosed because they play intense psychological games with the therapists and waste everybody's time and money, and it actually empowers them to learn about themselves and become even more deliberate in their harmful deceptions and cruel manipulations.

I would look at getting him evicted with legs support ..... without knowing your full circumstances, which should start with consulting professionals, and as @Maggie said, a counsellor will hear you, will believe you, and will be able to advise you about how to deal.

Good luck ..... and please keep walking along with us here.  You are going to need ongoing community-based support to get through this.

Also, seriously invest in self-care ..... very important to your recovery and ongoing coping ability.  And cut all ties if you can.

Learn the lingo - flying monkeys, word salad, future faking, narcissistic supply, grey rock, hoovering ...... it is important to both arm and shield yourself.  

💖🌷

[SJD_1]

Hi @Maggie 

The issue is No he does not have anywhere else to move to.. that is why I am trying to get him to organise him self to move out.

Very very difficult and frustrating... as my mother is there too.  It is partly her hous.  I was to be able to get back in at some stage and get my things .. I want him to sort out his own living arrangements, however at 80 yerars old things are just getting worse, the excuses, depression etc... 

Thanks

Sophie