Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  Sorry I disappeared, I have just moved into a flat. I got a call from Housing last Tuesday. I’ve been waiting a year, so it will be good once I adjust.

I have many of the same thoughts you are having, so you are definitely not alone there. Also not fitting into family etc. I’ve struggled all my life with feeling invisible. Never been interested in small talk.

I don’t know if tagging you into other threads would be helpful. Let me know if you would like that.

Sending kind thoughts 💕💕

@Tinsel  Hi there. 💜💜

[Sans911]

Welcome to the forums @JosRapp 

and @Tinsel 

So much relatable in your posts. Makes my heart break too. I have lots of connections & generally don't have an issue talking to people, but I always feel alone when all is said and done because my connections are just that. Connections. Nothing more. I only have a few friends but it's quite rare I spend much time with them. They often don't call or when they do it's just a chat, not for promises of a catch up. I'm not having a great day or week right now, and I wanted to comment mire on your posts but I'm too tired to do so. Just know I'm following along and I care about what you have to say

[Maggie]

@JosRapp @Tinsel  💙💙💙💜💜💛💛

[JosRapp]

The touch deprivation and isolation is very, very bad. The TD makes me feel even more isolated when I go out anywhere, as I see people holding hands, and hugging, and it just feels like I will never get to experience any of that. It doesn't help if someone says to just get a pet, or to go and pay for some form of physical contact, or just trots out one of the old lines like "it will happen one day when you least expect it", or "just be positive, put yourself out there". I wish I knew where there was to go, because I am all out of ideas. 

I get the impression that not many people take touch deprivation very seriously. Or even believe that it is a thing. Even therapists have dismissed it as not important. Which just makes the feeling of being unimportant and unwanted even worse. One of the reasons why I don't feel that therapy works for me. 

To be honest, it has had me in tears this morning. Knowing that there is nobody to turn to, nobody there, and only having here to even write and express how I feel. I just don't know what to do. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  I’m hearing you, I really am hearing you. I might be very different, in the fact that I can’t do touch at all. Reasons from way back in childhood and frozen in ways maybe. 

No old lines from me @JosRapp , I hear your pain, and again all I can say is, I’m sorry it’s like this for you, 

I spent years trying therapy that didn’t work. I’m at the bottom of the too hard basket. I found a social worker, not perfect, nothing is, but it’s working, very very slowly.

I hope there has been a tiny light somewhere for you today. Sending some 💕💕💕💕

[JosRapp]

I wish there was a light @Maggie, but it doesn't feel like there has been. Went out, but saw couples holding hands, and groups of friends having lunch together, and yeah, that feeling of "where's mine?" is always there. It hurts. Plain and simple, it hurts. 

It's good that you have found a social worker that helps. I had Occupational Therapists in the past, but like the psychologists and the psychiatrists, it felt like they didn't understand, and definitely didn't take me seriously. 

Tomorrow is back to work. Just another place where there is nobody to talk with. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  You are definitely not alone here. There are many others on the forums with similar experiences to yours. Small comfort, I know. You deserve to be taken seriously.

Back to work today. I know it’s tough there. Sending some 💕💕💕💕

@Adge  might have something that is helpful.

[JosRapp]

As I have always been told @Maggie, and experienced I guess, we often don't get what we deserve. Even if we try our best for it. Even if we work really hard. 

I guess that is part of life really. Trying your hardest, and then watching the thing you are trying for happen for someone else, seemingly so effortlessly. Even to the point where you watch them take it for granted, because they just get a second chance. And a third. And a forth. And as many as they want really. 

Ugh, that sounds rather cynical. But I guess that is how I feel this afternoon. Just tired of everything. Feels like I am just going through the motions of living, or at least being alive. Even the things I like doing, hobbies and interests, just don't ... I guess I just don't feel much joy from them anymore, because I have to do them all alone. Any groups I join are always full of older people that I just don't connect with. It has always been like that, even as a teenager any groups or clubs I tried to join always ended up being full of older people. So that made me feel even more isolated from anyone my own age. And that old adage, or advice, that one of the older people might have a daughter, or a granddaughter, or a niece, or someone they might want to meet me ... yeah, that never happens. 

I don't think anyone sees me like that. Never get seen as a friend, or in any potential romantic or intimate way. Sorry, maybe we aren't allowed to talk about that kind of stuff here. I don't know where people go to meet people. I don't drink, and don't care much for bands and live music, so, some pub or bar or whatever has little to no interest for me. Groups and classes have never worked. Work is a complete dead end for any hope of meeting anyone there. The dating sites and apps have never even had one reply or even conversation in almost 20 years of using them. 

Just being told to keep trying .... sort of feels like being told to just get used to feeling like this and being alone. It doesn't happen when you least expect it, in my experience anyway. But then, I don't have any experience really I guess. 

Seems like I never will. 

[Maggie]

@JosRapp  Another rough week.

In my opinion, humble or otherwise, you have plenty of experience, just not the kind you are hoping for. I do understand seeing others get opportunities, one after the other. And the ‘ left behind, left out’ feelings. I don’t have advice, by the sound of it, you’ve tried all you know how to.

I’m listening, it’s all I can honestly do. 

I’d still encourage you  ( gently)  to look around the forums. Meet others ( here), who might ‘ get’ what you are struggling with. There are many of us here who find real life friendships hard to come by, but connect here, in our own kind of ways. Support and understanding can go a long way.

Wishing things were different for you. ( knowing it changes nothing also ).