Not Coping

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 I usually drink a lot of water, I've been a bit slack today and not had my usual amount. I've been drinking tea instead but I should really keep the water intake up in this heat. I took some painkillers so the headache has gone, and I drank some soda water.

I am adding the ingredients to my shopping list for your brownie recipe to try it also.

So the job you got interviewed for on Friday, were you told straight away that you didn't get it?

I was set for an interview and was then advised that the person I would have been replacing decided not to leave after all. It's frustrating!

Still, tomorrow is another day. ❤️

[Birdofparadise8]

Thank you @tyme. 

Can we circle back to being alone for a minute? 

[Birdofparadise8]

I hope that helps @ENKELI 

Nice. We should both make it tomorrow and see what it looks like, hey?

No, no. They said I should find out next week if I get the next interview or not. One thing is that going private means more interviews. I wish it was like public, where you have one interview and you are done. 

Oh no, that's terrible. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 do you think that while you are unsettled with looking for work, waiting for Uni to start and meeting the new room mates that is why you are thinking life isn't necessarily good?

I know for me the reason I've been so sad is because of everything that happened last year and having to look for a job, but what @tyme said about being happy when grateful makes a lot of sense. I decided to pick myself up and listen to what my friends and family were telling me.

Instead of dreading waking up I made myself be thankful that I was alive.

I see how strong you are. I know I would have been too scared to move to another state for study when I was 20 and I hadn't been diagnosed with my MH issues then. You are amazing 💐

[tyme]

I'll wait to hear from you @Birdofparadise8 . Happy to circle back.

[Birdofparadise8]

I guess it's a bit stressful. I only have so much money to last me. I really need to get a job by the time uni starts. Really, one before it. 

To be honest, even if I was working, studying and making friends, I'm not sure how much that would change how I feel at night time and my depression overall. Yes, it's a contributing factor to how I'm feeling, but even with all of these things, I want and need. I would most likely still feel like how I am now. I remember when I was working and studying, I was still struggling so much. 

Thank you. I'm happy I've made the move I just need to work it out I guess. @ENKELI 

[Birdofparadise8]

Thanks @tyme 

So I've been thinking. Even if I'm busy all through the day, I still have night time when things are the worst. My psych said I need to make a plan of what I'm going to do for the week, but like how much would that help? I have a rough idea of what I want to do. I just don't see how making a list of things will help me not feel alone at night time. 

Next part. We were talking about how when I was a child, and even now, I wouldn't be allowed to go to my room at home. One thing I remember and was telling my regular was that Mum wanted Dad and me to watch a TV show, but I didn't really want to, and she would tell me to give her my phone.

KHL was surprised that she would still do that when I mentioned it to her tonight. Mum even gets annoyed when I won't go for a walk with her. Both times, she would say I'm selfish. I have a lot more things I could think about, lol. Maybe she is really anxious. I just wish she would go see a psychologist. I don't think she has ever fully processed my sister's death, and that is being transferred onto me so she is anxious around and about me and overprotective/overbearing. 

Sorry, that part is another sidetrack. What are your thoughts on that? 

I'm just trying to work out how I can learn to be alone like I am now, but without crying or feeling sad. I just don't know what to do. 

I think I mentioned to you that maybe because I spent so much time with my Mum, I wasn't able to develop my own sense of self. I feel I'm getting there at the moment, but I'm not sure about it either. I just want to be able to sit down and relax without worrying about crying, being sad, etc., or actually crying. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 I understand.

You can have everything aligned and still feel "not right." 

Even though I lean on my faith a lot it doesn't stop me feeling that there has got to be something more, something better than this.

Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? It's supposed to help us train our brains to stop negative self-talk. 

I want to try it too, if anyone else out there has any suggestions or thoughts on how CBT works and if it is successful.

[tyme]

You're a very deep thinker @Birdofparadise8  🙂

It sounds like there is a lot your mum herself is trying to process. I never really considered that so much, but when you think about how hard it was to have a child, having lost your sister etc, you can see why she would be so protective of you. I'm surprised she let you go to Melb!

Deep down, she cares for you a lot and doesn't want to lose you. When you are there, she wants you to make the most of the time there esp if you aren't there for long. I'm wondering if you can communicate to her and ask her why she wants you to sit in front of the tv with her even if you don't want to watch it? 

As for things being the worse in the night, it's is how we were created. It is part of evolution where humans were made to think and be more wary at night in order to protect themselves from enemies. Hence this part of evolution has been transferred to modern day and is perhaps why we find ourselves thinking the worst in the night.

For me, even living alone (when I wasn't with my sister next door), I was never lonely. I had a routine and schedule. By the time I came home from work, I puddled around a little, ate, made some phone calls, cleaned, read and went to bed. So yeah, perhaps routine can help with the loneliness. I rarely had time to feel lonely. Hence I was always studying too. I really love knowledge and studied up until 2021, then took 2 years off and have now started again.

It's about finding what works for you.

Anyway, we can continue this later this week. I need to head off shortly and have a few things to catch up on. 

Take care, tyme

[Birdofparadise8]

I don't know what I'm doing with my psych @ENKELI 

He just challenges me, and I feel like I'm going around in a circle because I can't answer his very simple questions. Like why I was sad and what I was thinking to make me cry instead of I don't know. 

With KHL, I think she goes on the ACT and CBT, but I'm not sure. It is more of a what the client needs the type of thing with a strengths-based approach, I think. 

I don't know how I will ever stop negative self-talk.