Lived Experience Forum

[D241271]

Hi there, to whoever is reading this.  I've just finished another week, and really need to let it out.  I'm just getting tired of coming home in tears, and need it to stop.

It's all caused by work. This week the base ball bat has been shared between a few staff.  The first being a junior, who is giving instructions, with a hint of courtesy.  I hold please and thank you as high necessities in society. She isn't responding to my emails, supplying info I need too late, and generally being not nice.  I snapped this week and politely asked if she could use please in her emails, to help our team relationship.  Obviously no response.

The next blow was being called ungrateful. 
ive always provided for myself, and worked above and beyond at work.  The last 5 or so years resulting in working around and extra 100 hours per month, above other staff.

i bought my manager a donut, for lunch on Tuesday.  The next day he gave me half of the same thing.  I thought he was returning what I'd given. I asked this and explained I was confused by the gesture.  Today they called be ungrateful for it.  This person had helped me through a messy separation and divorce, and as a thank you I'd knitted them a cardigan, re-done a couple of times as I wanted it to be perfect. I'd asked them before, if they would like it, shown them the design, and they chose the wool colour. It fitted perfect.   A week later their daughter asked to have it and they gave it away.

This hurt. I've only ever knitted for my dad and my husband.   They knew this.

The third is a guy who has previously send 'pictures' of himself to me. I've shrugged it off, and shown no interest in a relationship.  He seems to now blow hot and cold with no reason.  His temper and snappiness scares me.  

Everyday is something else. They are overloading me with work on the one hand, and then making me feel so useless on the other.

Confused is an understatement. I'm now selling my house, in the hope that I can the return to the UK, and my family. This will mean leaving my daughter here in Oz, with her dad (though she's 24, but single).

i just fall into this really dark pit at work, the pain hurts too much and I don't know where to go to stop it.  
I then pull my socks up, patch the wounds, and then out to battle the next day.

im just tired of this cycle, and not having the emotional strength to deal with all this abuse.

I get told I'm wrong, and I just don't know how to think. 
I'm not expecting any reply, I just need to let this out.  Ihave seen many on this site that are suffering.  This post is my first and it's more a case of "hi everyone, here I am and I understand you too".

ive always been there for others. My nature is that I'm better when I can do that.  At the moment I'm too inside my little world and just need a time out.

stay safe.

[30something]

Hi, it sounds like the problem is them not you. Sometimes you need to let go of pleasing others and focus on making yourself happy. You don't necessarily need other people to validate your self image, but if you find that you do, then you need to surround yourself with the right type of people.

[Maggie]

@D241271  Thankyou for sharing as you have here. I just want to let you know I hear you. You deserve a reply, and so much more.

Time to take care of yourself. 💜💜💜💜

[Lostandalone]

Oh @D241271  i hear you... I hear you... I hear you

i have been going through basically the same thing... for the past 6 months I have suffered at the face of a toxic work environment....

yesterday... after advice from the union... I resigned...before they terminated my employment...... 23+ years of extremely dedicated service ended

i did not deserve the way I was treated... they say they had treated me fairly... supported me.... etc.... but believe me it was quite the opposite... they bullied me... victimized me.... singled me out... targeted me..... threw me under the bus

I honestly just thought it was my depression and paranoia that made me feel like that.... but many of my colleagues saw it to.... they tried to help me... but when you are fighting too level management it is hard to succeed 

Maybe i had been there too long and I was too comfortable and started to cut too many corners

maybe they were jealous of the respect I had from senior staff

maybe I was a liability

i will never know

since handing in my resignation yesterday all I have done is cry.... hysterical ugly cry.... I have managed 3 hours sleep... probably due to sheer exhaustion from crying so hard and so much

i thought I may have felt a bit better knowing I had ended it all.... but in fact I possibly feel worse 

I now have the uncertainly of trying to find a new job at the age of 50.....

I want to take time to heal before I dive in.... but how long do I take????  Will I ever heal.???? Can I ever heal????  
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.... and if I do wake up... I want my life back to normal... I want to smile again... I want to feel comfortable in my own skin... I want to be happy

sorry I am rambling and have hihacked your post 

[Maggie]

@Lostandalone  That all sounds so hard and unfair. I really am sorry this has happened, and is still happening. 

Resigning yesterday was a big step. I do hope this is the start of a better future for you.

Sending some 💞💞💞

[traveller]

Hi @Lostandalone , i am very sorry to hear you are having such a rough time...i know you are a senior contributer, but just want to remind you to access the supports availabe if you need to. I hope things get better for you. Sometimes one door shuts and another one opens..and often better for you. Please stay safe and care for you now. We are here to support you and i see you already have support from the forum.

Cheers Traveller 

[D241271]

Thank you so much. I didn't realise how moving it would feel to know others understand.  Thank you for sharing your time with me.

take care and stay safe.

[D241271]

I'm so sorry you are going through such an aweful time at the moment. 
the only comments I can offer (which I hope will help in some understanding) is that I see the situation of leaving almost like going through a bereavement.  Work becomes such a big part of us, and can define us a little too much.  I've not yet had the courage to leave (though I've tried it many times), so please accept these Words :-

You are braver than you believe

Stronger than you seem

And smarter than you think.

Give yourself time to grieve, time for your brain to process the situation, time to just pause life for a moment to recombobulate.

Hopefully then you will see this as the start of your next adventure, an opportunity to find a new environment where fellow colleagues will support you in a way you deserve and enjoy.

(Sending you a big virtual hug too).

[Lostandalone]

💕💕💕 @D241271 

thankyou 

I hope all is well with you