I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sorry hun got slammed - we can chat on this more tomorrow? 

Rest well, thanks for chats 💜

[Captain24]

Yes please @Jynx 

I hope you have a good night

[Jynx]

Howdy @Captain24 how you going? 

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@Captain24 wrote:

I don’t really know. @Jynx. It does open my eyes a little. I think the little child in me wants to believe that she does care. That she is a good mum. The little child desperately wants to see good not bad. It’s like I’m trying to justify the good for the bad

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Wanna talk about this more? 😊💜

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Yeah.. 

[Jynx]

First off @Captain24 

🫂🫂

I know how much turmoil it can be to sorta.... reassess your parents. When my sister first told me that our dad was a narcissist? Shattered my whole world!! 

Just on what you shared last night - it is so normal to want to find the best in our parents. It's like, so universal an experience that it's talked about in that book. We all kinda grow up thinking that our parents only really wanted the best for us, right? 

And that is absolutely 100% true! Our parents did the best they could, they wanted to love us, they wanted to be good parents to us... but they just didn't know how, because their parents never taught them!

Thing is, I always used to gaslight myself... My parents always kept us fed, clothed, and safely housed... they paid for my schooling, they took us on holiday, and they told us they loved us.... so it couldn't possibly be their fault that I'm a miserable wretch, right? 

Took me ages to realise what was missing from a lot of my childhood - the emotional understanding. My parents couldn't handle their own strong emotions so how on earth could they handle their kids'? 

Anyway, that's my stuff, curious to hear what comes up for you when you read it tho! And if there's anything else been lingering on your mind today?

[Captain24]

I think my mum and my brother are narcissists. @Jynx. I’m pretty sure I’m on point. 

As with everyone , I grew up thinking my parents were doing the right thing.

TW: Child Abuse

Content/trigger warning

Even though they hurt us physically and mentally, it was all I knew. Also so controlling. Even now I say stuff to my psych and she takes a breath but it’s my normal. I don’t realise it’s wrong. 

I do think they tried but I don’t think mum ever wanted kids. She did tell us that numerous times. I think she only had kids as that is what was expected. I think that’s why she rejected us. 

They did everything that looked good from the outside. Last time I was in hospital one of the ladies in my group said she always wished she was part of one of those families that had a routine, dinner at 5:30, a regular bed time etc. But that made me cry. That was us. But what you don’t see behind the scenes is what the consequences were for not being at the dinner table right on 5:30. What happened is you hate the dinner that was served. If you got out of bed after bedtime. 

It’s only now that I realise that that wasn’t ok. The violence wasn’t ok

. But I still try to look at them as good parents. They did all the stuff, roof, fed. They looked good to others. 

I do wish though that they were understanding if I was crying. But mum didn’t know what to do with such a sensitive soul. I was just a sook and I still am. That’s not their fault that’s mine.

Anyway I don’t think that’s what you were looking for. 

I had a huge list for today and I did most of it but I couldn’t go out and mow my lawn. I was way too scared. The fear is still really bad. 

I have also had a shower and washed my hair. First shower since Saturday. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 wasn't looking for anything hun, just prompting you to reflect. And you did! Thanks for sharing hun, and I hope it is ok for me to point out how proud I am for how far you've come in being able to share your vulnerabilities here. 

TW: Child Abuse

Content/trigger warning

Oh it's so wild hey, realising all the things that you thought were 'normal' - and yours sounds like my childhood struggles but like, turned up to 11. Like my parents very RARELY used corporal punishment, but they did. I think I only copped it once or twice, my older siblings got a lot more tho. The whole 'presenting a pretty picture to everyone else whilst hiding the horrors going on behind closed doors' thing is a MOOD. But like, we only got mildly told off if we were late to dinner for instance. We still got to sit at table and have dece food. But then...  there was that time my dad went OFF at me for 'sitting in his seat' at the table so 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Wild hey? Maybe more similarities than we thought in some of our childhood experiences 😲

How expenno would it be to hire a mower for like.... one or two months? Juuust till you do find balance with the meds and can suss out where you're at, ya know? I would say just let it grow but I imagine that's a fire hazard. Don't get me started on my rant about how much I hate lawns.... 😒

[Captain24]

I’m trying @Jynx but I’m still not ready to float past this space. 

Not a week went by without some form of physical punishment. Hevean forbid if we needed to go to the toilet during the night! 

Oh the ‘that’s my seat’ My parents still sit in the same spots and no one is to sit there. We had a small lounge room as kids and mum sat on one lounge and dad sat on the other. That left the floor for us. When never got the comfort of a chair of any description. To this day if mum goes into the lounge room and I’m sitting on her seat she will throw something at me to hurt me. 

Im thinking there is quite a few similarities. 

Im going to get someone to come around and clean up my gardens beds. They are overgrown with weeds and grass. I’m scared a snake could hide in there. 

Im not sure how much a mower man is. I can’t let it get overgrown as snakes might get in and hide in there. I’ll try again on my next days off. I’ll have had another appointment on exposure therapy by then. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 no need to till there's a need to, no? That was a funny sentence ahaha but what I mean is like, don't force yourself to float anywhere till you're ready!! Let curiosity take you elsewhere, rather than some sense of pressure about how you (or anyone really) 'ought' to engage with this space. 

Oh lawd that is HECTIC I bet it took ages to feel comfy peeing at night when you first moved outta home!! I see why your therapist has to contain her little gasps ahaha. I feel similar whenever my partners talk to me about their childhoods. They always say it with such a deadpan blank look on their faces too lol 

Maybe an opportunity to do some landscaping? If you fill places where snakes could hide with like, rock barriers or borders or something? 

[Captain24]

I’m guessing I’ll get comfy around here one day. @Jynx 

TW: Child Abuse

Content/trigger warning

I still have the fear of needing to pee at night. At work I’ll hold onto it as long as I can before I will call up to say I need to go off the run for 5. I’m really scared to go and embarrassed that people know I need to go. The judgement. I know it’s all in my head but it’s what it has been conditioned too. 

Do you know that if my parents come around and sit in the lounge. I’ll sit on the floor. Well if anyone comes around needs the lounge, I’ll sit on the floor. 

It’s like I’m not worthy. It’s like I’m expected to lower myself to put others forward. I’m expected to put everyone first and I don’t deserve to be first, I belong ‘on the floor’

I get the deadpan look. It’s just what it was. I didn’t realise it wasn’t normal for my mum to change dad’s leather belt in the door handle so we stayed quiet. That was on the weekends when we got up at 6 to watch cartoons. If we made any noise she would change the belt. Any more noise and we copped it. 

I want to try and grow some plants that don’t fill the space so that if snakes go

in there I’ll see than. Plus if it’s minimalist snakes won’t even venture in there. Sorry I can’t get past this snake. I know I’m going on about it too much.