I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I called in sick @Jynx 

She usually starts the appointment with a big cheerful hello. Today it was straight up concern. She was proud of me for reaching out. 

I’ve just gotten outta bed. I need to have a really good cry but I just can’t let go. Because I just can’t but also I’m scared of falling  apart. I’m barely holding it all together. I no longer want to be alive. 

I have to lock my meds away. I have to ground myself as I get into my car. I have to ground myself when I’m coming up to a car. 

[Jynx]

I've had that very same fear @Captain24 - and falling apart is... well to say 'no fun at all' would be an understatement. They call it a dark night of the soul for a reason. 

Promise you though, at the end of the day you still inhabit a human body!! And bodies don't just cry and cry forever, they don't even stay fallen apart forever. Your body WILL find its way back to homeostasis if you let go. 

I am hearing how much the idea of continuing on feels painful and scary. I'm hearing how worried you are - and very proud of you for taking steps wherever you can to keep yourself safe. 

What are you up to at the moment hun?

[Captain24]

I’ve cried at work when it’s all gotten too much but not a proper cry @Jynx. I really wish I could proper cry. My psych said I’d feel better.

TW: SI

Content/trigger warning

I’m holding on by a string. I’m so close to ending it. 

Im just sitting here watching home and away. Mum doesn’t know I’ve called in sick so my dogs are at her place until 10:30. I did have a big sleep though after my appointment. It was needed after coming off nightshift last night. 

One good thing… I’ll be awake for my GP appointment tomorrow instead of needing to go to bed. I’m not sure what to tell him. I’m not overly comfortable with him just yet. We are doing a new MHCP

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I think a proper cry will come. Maybe it is too soon, and the universe has your tears waiting until it's truly safe to let go. It's okay to trust in that, and trust that it will happen when it needs to. 

Can I ask, when you say 'so close' does that mean you're concerned about whether you'll be able to keep safe tonight? 

Yay for post-work naps!

MHCP are annoying hey, hopefully it'll just be rattling off a bunch of questions and nothing too triggering for you. Especially with a newer GP it's okay to just kind of... tick the boxes, you know? You don't have to be 100% open and vulnerable. 

[Captain24]

I hope so. @Jynx. I told her today I was ready to change my risky behaviours. I’ve just got to be able to before it’s too late. 

So close in general. I’m safe right now but I’m not always. Hence the risky stuff. Hence the serious concern from my psych. She really wants to see my next week but I just can’t take another day off work. 

Hopefully he doesn’t ask too much. Just the general bullshit to go through. I’m not ready to say all of it. My old GP I would have. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I fully, wholly, monumentally believe in your capacity to do so hun 😊

Glad you're safe for now, wish it didn't feel this dire though. Honestly how good is it that you finally got a good psych tho! She actually cares so much it makes me very glad - cos I just want you to have the very best in care, that you so deserve! 

Fingers crossed for a smooth appt then! And like... if your gp ends up being a boof head to you bout it, you'll know they're not a good fit for you!

Nearly that time, wow. You just got the appt tomorrow or you working as well?

[Captain24]

This is the reason that I’m very careful on here @Jynx. I can’t risk being triggered. I’ve suffered in silence so that no one knew how bad it was. 

My psych is awesome! Completely different to my old one. There is no way I would have felt comfortable with opening up with her. I would have just got judgement. With my new one there is no judgement at all. I can’t get out of this without her. 

I have to stick to this GP whether he is a boot or not. There is none that you can get into. Even in the same practice. 

It is getting late. No I just have that appointment at 9 and then nothing. I think it might be a bed day with my weighted dinosaur. Oh and my dogs. I do have so much I need to do but I feel like I really need to look at for myself and my mental heath. It’s become a really desperate need.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I did want to note how proud I am of you for the efforts you've been putting in, showing up here even when tyme and I weren't around, expressing more of your emotional vulnerabilities. Don't think I haven't noticed!! It's a huge relief - like I know we aren't out of the woods yet and I'm still 100% here to support you through the process, but I was so worried you wouldn't feel able to come back! I know how much this community means to you, and how much you mean to this community (yeah, believe it!), so it's been really awesome to see how you've managed to work through it. I think you're really brave for doing so. 

Time keeps on keeping on dunnit? So rude 😂 Yes yes yes to a bed day! Literally, unless a task would like, explode if you don't do it, you can write it off! Chat to ya tomorrow then, and you best be chillaxing!! 😝 

[Captain24]

It was hard @Jynx and I did get badly triggered that day. (Totally not their fault) Hence I haven’t been on any other time since. But I did reach out so it was a start just knocked me back a peg or two being so triggered. 

I have been more open and vulnerable though which I didn’t think I ever would. So there is some progress. I do still hesitate when I do open up though. I second guess myself. I still can’t go to other threads though. It’s just this one that I stick to. I don’t even browse through them I’m not confident with that yet. I’m sure they all hate me as I haven’t been there for support but I really have to be selfish and take care in the space I feel more safe. Maybe one day I’ll get back to yet if they will have me back. 

I hope you have a good night. I’ve just climbed into bed and I’m wide awake. I guess maybe I shouldn’t have slept so much today. Oh well.

Talk tomorrow