I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I was good and I manage to stay for the whole thing and didn’t make a fool of myself @rav3n 

Lego sounds like a good idea if I get everything done. I don’t really have time to stop. I’ve just set my alarm for 3 in the morning. That way I can get stuff done before I go to work. Maybe that will help me calm me down. Help me settle some of the overwhelm. 

If I can get everything in control I might be able to stop my head from rapid thoughts. Rapid thoughts, rapid heart rate. I just wish I had the elevation with it. I don’t know if I’ve bought this in myself by putting too much pressure on myself. I’m not even sure if that is what this is. Now I’m questioning myself. 

It could just all be anxiety but it’s pretty extreme but anxiety can be extreme. 

I’ve been pretty out of control and pretty reckless. I’ve done a lot of risky things deliberately and by accident. Just so you know yesterday’s issues were accidents. They weren’t deliberate. 

This has been going on for a few days. Maybe that’s why I’m so disorganised. I’m usually way more organised. I’m usually packed. I usually stress and know that nothing is good enough

amd I’m not good enough. But this is way more. 

I don’t have anyone in my life @rav3n. I do this all on my own. I only have me for my mental health. It’s better that way. If anything happens no one can blame themselves. Or maybe they can for not understanding what my MH issues are and what can happen. They might learn the hard way and it’ll be too late. 

[tyme]

So glad to see you on the chat @Captain24 . And yes, you made it to the end!

Sorry for laughing, but I had to laugh about your clothes. That's the poverty of living alone. We don't need to care who sees our underwear and how many holes it has. 

Just like it doesn't matter what your bed looks like in the morning, in the arvo or at night... 

Just like it doesn't matter how many dishes you leave in the sink because no one is there to judge...

Welcome to my world!

[Captain24]

That’s ok @tyme. Single life reality! I don’t care and there’s nobody here to care!

I have to make my bed when I’m there. I make my bed here once a week. That’s when I change the sheets and doona cover. 

Did you take note of the last line in that post? I just haven’t heard anything? 

[tyme]

Which part @Captain24 ? "Did you take note of the last line in that post? I just haven’t heard anything?"

Sorry, I must have missed something?

[Captain24]

Doesn’t matter. @tyme I was thinking about that other stuff. 

[tyme]

"They might learn the hard way and it’ll be too late. " This line @Captain24 ?

[tyme]

Hey, you've got an admission to work up to @Captain24 . You and I both know that... right?

Sorry to love but leave you. Will catch you tomorrow? 

[Captain24]

It was the post before. That I’ll be more organised and less stressed if I have to go anywhere again. @tyme. It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry. I’m not making any sense. Told you my head was all over the place. I’m just scattered 

[tyme]

Nah, all good. I think it's called... "stress"? Happens to the best of us @Captain24 

Catchya tomorrow!

[Captain24]

I was driving to work at 5:30 this morning and my phone rings. It’s mum dad’s in hospital and she wanted to go pick up the car. All good I rang work and said I’d be late. 

My back is really sore today. I can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t do anything. It’s really messing with me. It’s getting me even more down. But I got sent home because of the pain. 

I ring mum and tell her not to pick up the dogs that I was on my way home. As I’m driving home my phone rings. They a shipping dad off to a bigger hospital. He has gall stones.

I had to rush around and find bags for mum to take as it’ll probably be an overnight stay if not longer. I gave her a bag that I need to pack. They need it more than me. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But they should be home. I hope they will be home. 

So them being away I need to take mums dog. Which is fine her and Jett will just play. They look after mine all the time. 

A good thing about being sent home from work is that I am not putting any lives at risk at work. I can’t do anything risky. I can’t do anything dangerous. On my way to work it was really busy so I just put cruise control on and followed the car in front. Being so busy I was more alert. On the way home I was the only car on the road so trying to stay focused was difficult. But I did read the signs out loud. 

Im still really scattered. But at the moment I’m overwhelmed but not feeling as out of control. It would be great if I can stay that way. I have taken a lot of prn to try and bring down the mania. Now that I figured out what it is I think maybe I can pull it back together. I’m hoping that I can do it before anything bad happens or I do anything. I’m feeling pretty scared.