Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I am a tad annoyed.

I was out on a walk tonight, and a woman in front of me saw I was there. She crossed the road. I crossed the road, because that's where my house was, and when she saw that, she darted back to the other side of the road; she was running away from me. 

I shrugged it off, but seconds later, I saw a cute young couple holding hands and chatting as they passed me. It just makes me angry... I'm sure neither of them have had to worry about what I have to worry about. I'm sure when they met, they didn't run away from each other.

More to the point, I wrote to a mental health support service. You send them an e-mail and they'll send you a response within twenty-four hours. I poured my heart and soul out into this post, and the response I got was super formulaic. They didn't even address the question, they just suggested basic coping skills and resources.

I might consider calling Lifeline in the future. At least then, they can't avoid interacting with what you say.

Sometimes I imagine what the perfect response would be. I imagine what someone would say, to get on my level. Sometimes, though, I DON'T have the answer.

No-one has given me a good answer to the question I asked them, because it's deeply related to suicide, and they don't want to encourage me. That doesn't get me any further, though.

A positive coronavirus case visited a pharmacy near me. I went there the day before and the day after the times of concern, so I don't have to get tested or isolate. 

However, my sister said I have to get tested "just in case". Or, actually, she said "you're getting tested no matter what."

Ugh... it's the first time I've gotten tested, and it's because my family wants to be unnecessarily cautious.

Is it painful?

Apparently the nasal test makes a lot of people cry... at least if that happens, someone might know how I'm actually feeling.

I'm sick of being strong.

[ChelseaFox04]

Hang in there . It’s not easy being single. I get that

[wellwellwellnez]

There's a pretty interesting youtuber called Contrapoints.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1xxcKCGljY

Here's the link but only if you're interested.

She's a transgender philosopher and has a great take on the whole "being a man in public" thing.

Her videos are pretty thought provoking but also strangely relaxing on accout of her format and style.

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member  The test wasn’t so painful just a little uncomfortable, also about the woman corossing the road I wouldn’t take it personally as a young woman I have walked away from many men if I am walking alone at night and it has nothing to do with appereance and everything to do with me being scared. Just because you may not be out to hurt anyone doesn’t mean that no one is and with the rates of assault being so high it isn’t an unfounded fear to have she didn’t know you so she couldn’t know if you are safe to be around or not. It really isn’t personal I don’t think but that is just my opinion  but I am sorry you felt upset by it and that you are having a hard time. 

[BPDSurvivor]

"Apparently the nasal test makes a lot of people cry... at least if that happens, someone might know how I'm actually feeling."

Hi @Former-Member ,

Your quote above reminded me of when the whole COVID/lockdown thing started... I was in a rehab centre, and people asked me how I felt and was affected in terms of COVID. I blatantly replied, "This is my borderline life everyday - what's new? At last, people know how I feel on a day-to-day basis!"

The treating team couldn't agree more.... 

Yes, the ups and downs... if only people knew. If only people understood.

BPDSurvivor

[AussieRecharger]

Hi @Former-Member 

I was out on a walk tonight, and a woman in front of me saw I was there. She crossed the road. I crossed the road, because that's where my house was, and when she saw that, she darted back to the other side of the road; she was running away from me. 

It seems like you are angry at this person for being afraid. It's night time and shes alone.  She might very very anxious about corona and not want to go near anyone at this point in time.  Are you sure you can't find a way to be kinder to her in the current circumstances?

Also, Are you able to word your question in a way that you can post it on here?  What level are you talking about, it feels like you are looking for someone to know exactly how you feel, is that even possible with all of us living a unique life journey?

[Former-Member]

That's not what I meant. 

Someone I know was talking about obesity, and they said they get really angry when they see parents buying unhealthy food for their kids. He said he wasn't angry "at" them, and he acknowledges that they need support, but rather he was angry at the circumstances.

The juxtaposition made me really angry. When you're suicidal, it feels like the world itself is TRYING to make it harder for you, or reminding you of how hopeless you are.

@AussieRecharger .

My question was, if "it's not always going to be that way" doesn't help, then how WOULD you respond to someone who's having suicidal thoughts?

Yes, it's not always going to be that way. My life will change... but it's too late. I'm safe, but I don't understand how to get my head around that.

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member 

For me, the stand out references is around time, not the thought processes you are having. Why do you feel it is too late? What are you defining that is finished and cannot be changed therefore it's not worth continuing? 

If I were to visualise it, you are in a hallway full of doors and its frustrating you because every door you have opened so far has not met your expectations so you are applying a precedent of all doors so far have not met my expectations, why should I keep opening doors if past performance is what I expect of the future. 

The difference is that with every door you open, you gain experience, and with gained experience, you learn different ways to approach whatever is behind the door.  The never change, but you change for every door you open. 

How would you animate whats in your mind at the moment? 

[Former-Member]

If I were to give an analogy for it... I would say that my life is like a boxing match.

You might be well and truly [...] up by Round Eleven. You might fight hard through Round Twelve, and win by majority decision. You made it... but you're so badly beaten and exhausted that it's hard to enjoy it. You might question whether you want to fight again after that. You have to work hard in rehab, JUST to get your health back.

I have had, no joke, HUNDREDS of tiny blows to the heart over the past two and a half years. Every day, there's something that stings a little bit.

Like today, I enthusiastically greeted someone I know and they barely reacted. I tried a couple of times to engage them and they didn't really want to talk to me. Granted, they were wearing a mask, so it's hard to guage people's facial expressions, but they didn't say anything and their eyes weren't smiling.

I know it's good to act positively, with a bit of a spring in your step, but when that's not reciprocated, you just look [...].

To be fair, if you're a boxer, you heal over time, and maybe then your achievements take on a new meaning. Matty Johns climbed up to Mount Everest Base Camp, and then a bit further, and he said the same thing, "it's hard to enjoy it at the time, but when you look back on it, it's crazy."

I can imagine going into town with my friend, or my partner, and sitting exactly where I used to sit when I visited the girl I loved, every week. I can imagine going to the cafe where I got the horrible news that kicked it all off.

Both of those would be VERY difficult, but I can imagine slowly healing.

That's just it, though, I can only imagine it, and I can't do it on my own.

@AussieRecharger .

[SmilingGecko]

Hey @Former-Member I would not take it personally.

I live in a crime riddled suburb full of gangs etc and people are just hypervigilant because its not safe.

The elderly are really paranoid so are women as well as the disabled.

Something I read a while ago is that peoples past experiences dictate how they perceive new experiences.

This was based on a study using pictures for patients to interpret. 

People with past trauma would interpret pictures as being maleovent while people with little or no trauma saw them as being happy and benign pictures.

So I know its hard walking away from that the other night as you don't know what this woman is going to do.

My guess is you are just as worried as she is.

You may see her again walking or catching the bus etc and she will come to see you as being benign force.

I would not approach her just give her reason to believe you are not intersted in her or causing her any harm and have no ulerior motive.

Just live the way you do and give out good vibes.

I've had this happen to me a few times over as many years. 

Try not to worry and focus on what is good if you can 

Much love,

S.G.