Feelings of guilt, depression and loneliness after abortion

[Mystie]

My ex bf deceived me to terminate our baby. He told me that he will leave me if I continue my pregnancy do I had to sacrifice my own baby for him. The next day after the procedure, he left me with another girl. I had depression and panic attacked that week, I just couldn’t believed that someone can do that to me. I feel so guilty that I killed my own baby and every time I see babies, my heart hurts so bad. It feels that someone squeeze my heart so tight. I can’t help myself to cry each day and it’s getting hard now that I am supposed to have delivery next month. My excitement turns into depression ;( Anyone can give me advice? 

[Ali11]

Welcome to the forums @Mystie and thank you for such a vulnerable share of your story  Nobody deserves to be treated that way and it sounds like him exiting your life could be a very good thing, as hard as the current situation may be. You did what you thought was the right thing under pressure from someone you thought loved you, so although it may be the toughest thing to imagine right now, you need to forgive yourself first and foremost. You're not alone in feeling that guilt, many women have been through similar experiences, and you've taken a huge step in joing the forum and reaching out for help. No specific advice to give beyond that right now, but sending you love and hoping you can find some forgiveness for yourself  Have you been speaking to a counsellor or psych about what you've going through?

[Mystie]

Thank you for your response @Ali11, I really appreciated. No one knows what I’m going through. All my family and friends knew that I had miscarriage. I’m battling depression alone and I was taking antidepressant before but now I stopped taking it and I’d rather make myself busy at work, go to gymn and divert my attention. I had seen a counsellor before until I get better but I thought my wound is healed. I feel so sad every time I see pregnant lady and new born babies, it’s a terrible feeling that makes me want to just disappear.

I hope one day I will learn how to forgive myself. I need to get it off my chests and thanks so much for listening. 

[Gazza75]

Hi @Mystie , a warm welcome to the forums.  Thanks for being brave and sharing your story with us.  I can't give you much further advice, but, I think in time you will overcome this.  You have been through a horrendous and traumatic experience, the fact you can talk about it at all shows how strong you are and can be.  Hang in there.  

[eth]

Hi @Mystie  and welcome from me too.  You have taken the first step in reaching out here and I know you will find support here.  I have also terminated a pregnancy to someone who left immediately after and all I can say is that over time the pain lessens, I can now remember without breaking down.  You did what you thought best at the time.  Feeling your pain and sending warm wishes and hope to you.   Eth

[CheerBear]

Hi @Mystie. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. Keeping it all inside and to yourself, away from family and friends would be so difficult I imagine.

Last year I made the decision not to continue a pregnancy and right about now I would have been holding a tiny new person in my arms or getting very close to that, if I'd made a different choice. Sometimes the pain of that thought has been incredible, and I have found it trying to creep back in at times as this time is now here. That decision I made was one of the most difficult and most painful ones I have ever faced and I know so many people (not all but many) find it so hard to make the choice and then follow through with it. I imagine it would have been made even harder for you having your then partner leave you straight after.

As ali11 and eth said, you did what you thought was the best thing to do at the time under what sounds like a lot of pressure. I know that doesn't take away the pain or make it feel any better, but it is what I hold on to when I am having a hard time.

It's OK to feel whatever it is you're feeling, and it's so good to see you talking about it. I hope there is some comfort in knowing you're not alone. Keep talking if it helps ❤

[Mystie]

@Gazza75  Thank you. I’ve been through in a lot of pain. I had full of regrets that I agreed to  terminate our baby because I don’t want to loose him but in the end he left me. I feel like I’m a selfish person to do that to my own baby. I was 3 months pregnant that time and I had the 3D scan and I know the gender already 😞 I asked for forgiveness to her everyday... seeing babies and pregnant ladies makes me feel sad. 

[Mystie]

Hi @CheerBear thanks for sharing your experience. I was 3 months pregnant and I had 3D scan and I know the gender already. I was really excited to have a baby but my ex bf asked me to choose. I feel so selfish that I choose my ex over my baby. I asked for forgiveness to her in my prayer, I am supposed to have a girl next month. It’s really hard for me to cope at the moment. Thanks for listening x

[CheerBear]

@Mystie I'm so sorry 🙁 What you're going through is so tough.

Does it help you to know she was a girl? It was too early for me to find out the sex and in a way maybe not knowing made it easier. Sometimes when I imagine what life might have been like, I have a clear image of my baby and a name for them too. If that's happening for you and it could help to share or talk about it, we're listening. The grief and loss you're experiencing is very real.

Did you do anything to grieve or honour your loss? This might sound a bit silly I don't know, but it was really important to me that I did something with my feelings to remember/process/try and let go. I spent a little time in the garden on my own and planted some flowers which I'd made a special trip out to buy. I have three kids each with garden ornaments in the garden etc. but for this corner I bought four coloured birds. Anyone who sees them thinks they represent both the kids and me, but I know who they are there for.

I also wrote a letter to 'the baby that nearly was' and have kept it in a box with things I collected from the time including pregnancy tests and scan pics. I don't know if a letter or a box or something like that would help you but it helped me. Maybe one day if and when I am ready, it will help me to let go of it all for good too.

Again I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. My heart is going out to you tonight ❤

[Queenie]

It’s been 22years this October since an ex boyfriend convinced me to terminate our baby. Since then I’ve found the prospect of parenthood totally overwhelming. To think that human would be in the prime of their lives at 21 years old this year. For me the guilt never went away although it’s become tolerable. I think there ought the more counselling available for women who have chosen to terminate, as often it isn’t our choice really.