Feeling Hopeless

[Bear00]

Content/trigger warning
I am a 22 yo.

I have CPTSD and depression.


I was raised by toxic parents, who used to mentally and physically abuse me. After escaping from my family, I was raised by another toxic family (i was forced to believe in their cult, they constantly screamed at me etc). 


I was bullied in my primary school and racially discriminated in highschool.
I have sexually abused by so many people.

I lost some people who I thought I could seek help from. 


now I am experiencing workplace bullying due to my race. I told my manager and the HR but they not rly working on it.


I feel really hopeless. I had enough of this. I don’t want to continue being here, but i’m scared of dying. 


I know there are some things I like about this world but I’m really tired. Idk what to do. I feel like I’m the problem and if I wasn’t here, there wouldn’t be any problems. 

[Jynx]

Oh gosh @Bear00 I am so sorry that you're going through that with your work, and copping soooo little support or understanding from them to boot! 

I wish I had some ideas on the next steps, but not too sure - maybe some others around the forums might know more. 

I do know for absolute fact that you are NOT the problem!! I don't even know you (yet!) and I can already hear that you've been let down repeatedly by those who were meant to care for you and protect you. It makes sense to come to the conclusion that it must be your fault somehow! But regardless of what you've been through, and regardless of what you've had to do to survive, you still deserve care, compassion, and support in tackling the things that are causing you strife. 

Thanks for being so open with us, it can be hard to share our stories at times! Hope you find what you're looking for in the community, and feel free to tag me any time you wanna chat 💜 

[Yowie212]

I'm looking for all the same answers as you 🫂 I truly hope we both find our place in this world.

[Bear00]

@Jynx Thank you so much…!!!

[Bear00]

Hey @Yowie212 thank you for replying during the tough time…! Ur reply means a lot to me🫂 i feel less alone because of you

[balance37]

I'm really sorry these things happened to you. It's not your fault. The shame and the guilt lies with the people who have done this. 

As a side note, I'm wondering if you are still living with these people or have you found a safe place to stay now?

You mentioned there are things you do like about this world. Would you like to share those with us? Maybe there is a way to add those things into your life a little more at the moment. That has helped me. For example, I play an instrument (badly, but who cares?). Sometimes I just need to do something simple that I love when everything else is too overwhelming. 

[Bear00]

@balance37  thank you for the reply:)

I live by myself currently. But I still video call my mum almost everyday because my mental health got better one day and kinda forgive her. Also I wanna see my dog in my home country. 
but these days I get triggered and I can’t really call her. 
she is also visiting me in two weeks and I don’t really know if I can be okay.

I live and work at the same place so I had to see the person, who discriminated me, pretty often. And the person has a master key that can open any doors of the building so I don’t really feel safe. The worst case scenario, I might have to move the place.

I like staring at the blue sky, snuggling my fluffy blanket and surrounding myself with my weighted blanket. I also like there are so many cute things in this world (cute plushies, cute stationaries, cute t-shirts). Cute things make me happy. I like my teddy. She knows all the struggle I’ve been through and she’s been always here for me.

I like the smell of fresh air. I like watching my dog’s video too. She is one of the reason to stay alive currently.

when I have more energy, I like crocheting, singing, playing the guitar (also badly but I like it), eating my favourite food, or going to my favourite cafes.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bear00,

Thank you for your post and I’m sorry to hear things have been so horrendous.

What an outrageous amount of suffering to go through in one little life.

At the same time, I am struck by your courage and your honesty.

I hear that you are tired, and I also feel it. There is that exhaustion and then there is your strength, too.

I’m sure that there are people who you will meet who will be able to hold you how you need to be held.

When that happens, perhaps you will be able to heal.

This is what the research tells us - that severe and ongoing trauma is able to be healed in safe relationships.

I want to say congratulations for having so much courage at such a young age.

You’ve been through a tremendous amount and healing takes time.

I feel like, if you can hang in there, safe people will find you.

Many services are limited in what they can offer and there isn’t always the help out there we need, but if you can hang on I think the light will find you.

I was about your age when I first considered taking my life, and I have lived 20 years longer than I thought I would.

Even though the suffering doesn’t make any sense, I hope you might be able to experience the little glimpses of peace and joy and connection that I had the privilege of experiencing in the last few years.

This was only on account of that I found safe people.

There are lots of safe people at sane, so hang in there to find them.

There are safe people at Blueknot and Lifeline, too.

You’re doing a great job, you legend.

Don’t give up, kid.

I understand it hurts and I also know you can do it.

[Bear00]

@Former-Member 

thank you for your reply…!

I will try my best to hang in there and not give up yet. Your encouragement means a lot to me ❤️‍🩹 thank you so much.

[balance37]

@Bear00 Just checking in to see how you've been going over the past week?

You also reminded me that I need to use my weighted blanket more, so I grabbed it out of the cupboard again a few days ago. 

And pets are the best! They are just sit with you, without judgement, and cuddle up (well, my cats face indicates she is judgemental sometimes, but she's still cute and even though shes a cat I can cry with her sometimes or just tell her I've had a crap day)