Delilah (not her actual name)

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

I'm on the neurology waitlist but it took doctors 10 years to take my seizures seriously, 5 of those with my current GP, even then it took multiple emergency visits and a 3 hour seizure late 2023 for my GP to refer me to neurology for my seizures. 

We'll see if today's theory worked within the next 24 hours, but it's promising so far

[tyme]

About time they took you seriously! @avant-garde 

As for your 'theory'. I'm eager to hear about it. Sounds interesting... if I don't hear from you tonight, I'll hear from you the next time I'm on 🙂

I hope today's service was okay and all went okay. 

I'm thinking of you.

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

My theory was something my former therapist actually suggested, that my current therapist agrees with. 

So quick seizure overview

2 types - epileptic and non-epileptic (I'm non-epileptic)

2 sub types - trigger and stress (further explained in Seizures )

I'm going to use the analogy of a pressure cooker

With Delilah I would be holding the trigger of her being there and the absolute terror that someone who caused me so so much harm is in church with me and there's nothing I can do about it. Further that someone in leadership that I care about helped her get there.

The pressure keeps mounting and mounting without the ability to let it out, and not knowing how to slowly release the pressure meant that when I finally felt safe at home, the lid would just release as a seizure, the stress kind. 

My theory was that with people I'm slightly more grounded and aware that I gradually settle like I do with anywhere, that my mind holds that tension a little, that the pressure valve slowly releases the longer I'm there, that by the 3 hour mark the headache was gone and I could breathe. I noticed my teeth weren't clenched and that I could actually smile. 

This has become more evident into the evening, that my theory has merit as I still haven't had a seizure today, where the previous 3 times I saw her, nobody checked in on me or invited me over, that they thought I was fine when I wasn't, as soon as I noticed the seizure pattern I knew that I couldn't be alone after seeing her, that my body needed to learn to utilise the valve, and so today was the first step towards it actually learning that I can see her and not have a seizure. 

For the theory to become a pattern, it needs to be repeated 3 times, also for my brain to rewire to slowly settle rather than losing its lid.

Does that make sense? 

Also a fair whack exhausted now

[tyme]

OOOO! Nice! That sounds like it works for you at the moment. I'm so glad. @avant-garde 

Ahhh, Church issues. I've had these issues too, and I really really struggled. It's a shame to even have to disclose it because in a way, I feel churches shouldn't be like that. Then again, I'm aware there's an enemy.

Have you been okay since? It sounds the being mindful really helps.

[avant-garde]

The guy who gives her a lift just told me... I don't like him that much that he brings her... she intends on coming to church tomorrow afternoon... let's see if the theory stands... if someone actually steps up to have me over for dinner...

@tyme @ENKELI @Macey 

[tyme]

You can do it @avant-garde . I'll be waiting to hear how things go for you. 

Hope your day today was okay.

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

*curls up in a pillow fort with my blanket and teddy*

No seizure, just really tired now

I was brave, I asked yesterday to come over for dinner and so I had somewhere to go and didn't fret about it 

I was more stable and still hated her being there, still didn't hang around, but felt validated by my friend that I'm not the only one who doesn't see the point in her being there.

But the theory has moved from having some merit, to plausible, last step will confirm it and should solidify the pattern and foundation for me to build upon with my own "post Delilah routine" where I don't need to necessarily be with someone to help eliminate the seizure response.

[avant-garde]

Brief conversation with someone from church last night... I don't know how I feel about him at the moment. 

Friend:

Just checking in to make sure that you are doing ok this evening. Great to see courage this afternoon being there and showing strength. Hope it was still a peaceful day.

Me:

Nothing about Delilah being there is peaceful. Yes it takes tenacity to turn up, but turning up to church without her being there is hard enough for me, but I don't know any other way. Not turning up means she's still controlling me and my life and taking something I care about from me and that's harder to live with than being a robotic self in the front row.
Because that's how I felt this afternoon, like a robot, like I had to put a facade up, that I can't heal and get better from all the other beep people in other churches have put me through if I'm so busy trying to protect myself from the current trigger that she is.
I'm not saying kick her out, but what I am saying is that don't expect me to get over what she did to me just by coming to church and being brave, because that's not going to happen and it hurts when people assume that it can.

-----------------

Still recovering now

Completely exhausted

He has no idea what it's like

@Ru-bee 

[ENKELI]

@avant-garde have you given this over to God to control? I get the feeling you are dealing with this on your own, not letting God look after the situation. Perhaps you need to listen for His still, small voice to help you heal and move on.

This is said with love and prayerful reflection. I know going through my own dramas that the only way I got over it was with time, and to let go and let God. 

I also understand that being able to vent is good, and for the most part Sane is good for that. But if you are looking for healing, you need to look up.

God bless, you're in my prayers.

[avant-garde]

@ENKELI 

I appreciate your input but it feels you're making assumptions about what I'm looking for in which you would be mistaken. 

The concept of "let go and let God" is intensely triggering for me, along with most things Pentecostal of which I am yet to work through.