Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member @jazz thanks i am not sure about helplines right now i have had very bad experiences with them in the past i am suposed to meet a friend soon and i am trying to hold on until then and mabye seeing them will help a little idk i am trying. 

[Appleblossom]

@Eden1919

Hope your visit with your friend was ok. Being in crisis for a long time takes a big toll. One of the ways I have been able to survive is to gently grow that sense of inner peace. It comes and gos but mostly I can find it again.  WIshing you well.

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919

I haven't seen a post from you for a few days now as this thread and your other that was for looking for support when triggered which was moved under a forum news heading has dropped out of sight too. I searched for this having already responded luckily. Dropping in to see if everything is okay?

[Eden1919]

thanks @Appleblossom and @Former-Member I have been having a tough few days and i am not feeling very good at all and didnt have the space in my head to be on here. i dont really know if things are ok they dont feel ok they feel hopeless and i am very agitated and i am not coping at all and i really truly feel that i am out of options and i dont know what to do anymore other than ending it all. 😕 i just feel awful but still no one seems to be taking anything seriously not that they could help anyway i am a hopeless case now it just seems like a matter of when i end things not if....... some of me thinks it would be better to get it over and done with but then i dont want to hurt anyone around me but i cant make all this stop i have been trying so so so incredibly hard and nothing has changed i am doing everything they say i am taking my meds and going to therapy and i am using all my strategies and nothing is working i just there is nothing left. i am sorry to complain so much i know deep down i am the only one who can fix this and that there is only one way but it just makes me sad.  

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Eden1919

Responding and trying to clarify ...When you say you know you are the only one who can fix things ...

and that it makes you sad as you feel there is only one way

Pls tell me if I am way off

There is a personal responsibility value in therapy ... but am I reading between the lines that you think that you feel there is no option

that the one way

is suicide  Makes me sad too.

What if ... your are right about 99% of it, except that there is not one thing to do .. and it is def not suicide.

I just read somewhere by @MDT that even and 0.01 % improvement is something.  When it happens every day .. it amounts to something.

It is hard for the treating team too ... dont see that they are not taking you seriously ... their job is dealing with possible suicide in most of their clients ... that is scary stuff for anyone.

Thinking of you. Eden. You are right, taking action and making choices is part of the answer. I believe the best approach is to learn about good simple healthy living and start taking steps .. little ones are fine.

Take care

[Eden1919]

@Appleblossom yes that is what i mean and i can understand your point and i too thought there must have been another way for many many many years but i have come to realise there really isnt.... it is complicated but i really cant seem to find any other better options. 

[Appleblossom]

ooo h  @Eden1919 

I really believe that ALL mental illness can be understood eventually and that nobody is too far gone.

Maybe it is hard to know the best choices for you right at this moment, but maybe if you can keep a little corner of your heart, a cave or cupboard or box ... open to those things that are good for you ... maybe eventually it will all start to make more sense.

Thank you for replying to my post. It would have been difficult and took courage.

I dont want to pretend ...

[Eden1919]

@Appleblossom I have been trying to keep a place open but i dont know that i can anymore and i do understand i thnk now better than ever but that only gives me even more reason to believe i am out of options. 

[Appleblossom]

@Eden1919 It is great that you think better than ever.  Might be a sign some of the therapy you've done works.

Sometimes it is timing and patience.  

Sometimes the butterfly lands on the flower. It might also fly past onto the next one.

It is good you already have a place in your heart for those wishes, dreams, positive thoughts.  Maybe there is something blocking you from receiving the nurture from it.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919

It's good to see you still posting. The option to aim for is a better quality of life, as option you mentioned as being the only one does not offer that - it offers nothing more but death. It's offer you and your loved ones nothing. It does not stop the pain but passes it on. And with reaching out here for help what we are all crying out for is a better quality "of life". That's the focus.

  As @Appleblossom said quoting Hamsolo - even if we take a very small step towards that, a very slight improvement - over time those small steps add up.

With support and reading Lived experience here, learning ways others have overcome their own mental agony , can go a long way to helping ourselves discover new ways of overcoming our pain. That's the aim of the forum. Trying perhaps new things and ways of coping that have helped others. Hang in there, hang onto hope as "you aren't alone in your suffering". And it "is possible to get better". Many here can testify to it. Keep telling yourself that otherwise your thoughts are self defeating before you even try. And we become stuck in our pain.

You are an intelligent woman @Eden1919 with a lot of potential. What matters to you in life? What is the small good things in your life? There is good, no matter how small in everyone's life and always a point to it I have experienced. 

 I have also discovered when feeling like you do that if I focus on my pain and overthink  "that pain will grow" into crisis distress levels. So shifting my focus on the good in my life no matter how small and distracting my mind from the pain helps.  Do you have trouble trusting my friend? If so there is your one of your blocks to Healing, as we need to trust in someone, in the right treatments, in a good outcome in order to heal. Have you sought counselling to challenge your negative thoughts that is so dominate in mental illness? Together with medication, that can make a difference towards feeling better. Another step forward. One example.

 Medication/treatment is essential but not the total answer for healing. Focusing on the good, your strengths, the love in your life, healthy lifestyle options, positive thinking and finding what really matters to you in life , purpose, and go for it "are all better options" towards a better life. Finding that will to find a way. 

My brother suffers paranoid schizophrenia and has hit very dark times as you are describing. He would scream down the phone to me in absolute agony. And he is still sick - but he has finally landed a part time job which he enjoys and hobbies he srienjoys. His paranoia stops him having any type of relationships which is so sad but he does enjoy other parts of his life and likes his independence. 

There are always better options my friend. It's up to you. Sending warm hugs