Contemplating leaving the forums

[creative_writer]

Since I have nobody to talk to and nowhere to talk, I’ll talk to myself

[Dreamy]

@creative_writer here for you, even if it's just to sit with you ❤️.

My puppy is 11 weeks old 😊

[creative_writer]

@Dreamy💖 I need to talk to someone about my conflicting thoughts/beliefs but can’t find an avenue because talking about it=rumination.

11 weeks is young, I’m sure your pup is adorable 🐶💖 . They’re so cute and naughty when they’re small. I caught two cats yesterday, one was a kitten, she was chasing after the bigger cat 😂. Bigger cat rejected the kitten, maybe the kitten wanted a friend. I think the bigger cat is still grieving the loss of his love who moved away. It was a tragic love story where he liked her but she hated him

[creative_writer]

@tyme does talking about conflicting beliefs and making sense of one negative and positive fall under “rumination”

[creative_writer]

Delete this is this isn’t okay to post. I want to make sense of these thoughts. One part tells me I was to blame for the trauma and that people will see me as damaged and broken. The other part says I didn’t do anything wrong. I need to somehow resolve this conflict, because I think this conflict is keeping me stuck. I’m struggling to undo societal expectation learning. But at the same time I know that the wrong people’s opinions don’t matter. I’m so confused. I can keep challenging unhelpful thought but I end up confused. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? I want to know what I need to do. Does anything help anyone when they get conflicting thoughts like this about their trauma?

[tyme]

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@creative_writer wrote:
Delete this is this isn’t okay to post. I want to make sense of these thoughts. One part tells me I was to blame for the trauma and that people will see me as damaged and broken. The other part says I didn’t do anything wrong. I need to somehow resolve this conflict, because I think this conflict is keeping me stuck. I’m struggling to undo societal expectation learning. But at the same time I know that the wrong people’s opinions don’t matter. I’m so confused. I can keep challenging unhelpful thought but I end up confused. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? I want to know what I need to do. Does anything help anyone when they get conflicting thoughts like this about their trauma?

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Thank you for your post. This post to absolutely okay. 

I recognise yesterday was a difficult day, but please know we are here to support you. @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme I fear the AD was too high for me, I got it sorted today. My pdoc thought it was worth getting off the risky AD ones (I was on a low dose due to it historically causing SI). I’m still on the less risky one. I was too worried to take two different AD as I’m prone to mixed states.

Have you ever dealt with conflicting beliefs? Maybe this is part of healing. But it is so confusing

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer , 

You know we really appreciate you here, right? PLease don't feel we are trying to push you away. 

As for conflicting beliefs, are you referring to religious? or cultural? Or something else altogether? Because yes, I've had a lot of challenges with conflicting religious and cultural beliefs. 

When I look back now though, my brain was just going round and round in circles. It did not make any improvements by overthinking. Rather, it became a habit that I was stuck in for 10 years. However, once I started the process of breaking that vicious cycle, I haven't gone back since. So I don't think it was the actual issue of conflicting beliefs, but rather, a habit I'd fallen into and needed help to get out of.

I'm not sure I'm making sense @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme it’s cultural stuff. I feel like people pretend culture is religion, it annoys me.

It’s just that even if I try to change the narrative, the other narrative doesn’t necessary go away. I know on a logical level I’m not at fault, but I feel cultural pressure. Or perhaps it’s more so the conflict between what I believe and what I feel is expected of me. Do I really believe I was at fault or am I worried about what other people will think? Maybe the belief isn’t even mine, it’s other people

[tyme]

Hearing you. And yes, the cultural and religious can be linked but they are not the same @creative_writer .

From what you are sharing, it sounds like you feel like you are living in the shadows of the expectations of others - and that is a burden. Is that fair to say?

I'm not saying you have to do this to feel well, but for me, i learnt pretty early that I don't need to please people. This meant the burden of conforming to society was lifted off my shoulders.

Yet I cannot judge others because I know people live in microcosms that are not the same as mine.