Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Everything has been feeling like a bandaid lately. Psychology, AD'S, alcohol, exercise, friends, family, everything that I'm trying to do to get through the day just feels like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Nothing is making it better. Nothing.

It keeps coming in these debilitating waves where everything inside of me feels like it's crying out in pain. This heavy ache in my chest that pulls at me and drags me down is making living seem less and less like a possibility.

I've been better than this, I'm sure of it. But I've also been here, and I've also been worse. I'm sure if I can keep holding on that one day things will get easier and I'll be able to manage again. But I'm drowning waiting for that day to come. I'm trying. It doesn't look like it, but I am. It's not enough to just try though. Life isn't that kind.

I've reached out for help, I'm getting help. I make a point to catch up with my mates. I'm doing what I can. But nothing changes this constant battle going on in my head. All I seem to think about is how much I'd like to commit suicide. Those thoughts are becoming more frequent, I'm not sure I even managed to go 5 minutes without thinking about it today. It's always there. What a relief it would be to just let go and not have to live another second feeling like this. I wish I had that freedom. I wish I didn't have this responsibility. But I can't just leave, what would happen to my boy? All I want is to protect him. No one protected me. If I go, would I be sending him down this same path? I can't do that to him.

Everything inside of my feels like it's drowning in so much misery. It doesn't stop. It doesn't let up. Just so fu*king miserable that the only thing that I can imagine making it any better is ending it all. I wish I could die. I wish I could let go. I wish I could give up on this failed experiment of a life. I've pushed and pushed on for so long. I'm not sure I've ever felt joy, happiness, not really. Just this, day after day.

I'm so fu*king miserable and it won't let up. I just want it to stop. Nothing is working. Nothing ever works. Yeah I can talk to my therapist or go on the helplines and shit but it doesn't help. There's no cure, no way out of it, no way to heal, no way to move on, no way to leave it in the past. It always comes back to this. I always come back to this place. Hopeless. I wish there was someone in my life I could trust my son with. I just want to be done with this life. I want to be selfish and set myself free from this constant misery. I don't want to keep trying anymore. 

[Oaktree]

Hey @saltandpepper 

Worried about you. Things will eventually get better. Hold on to that. I am glad you don't have anyone you trust your boy to - that would make it too easy. You need to stay for him. I understand that you feel as if you are drowning but I am here with you just holding your hand. I will just sit with you for awhile.

Meggle

[Oaktree]

@Anastasia 

[saltandpepper]

It wouldn't be easy @Oaktree just leave me feeling less guilt about it. I can't imagine making a harder decision knowing what it would do to my boy. But I can't promise I will always be here for him. It gets so hard fighting it sometimes. When it's at its worst it's just this all consuming level of depression that just engulfs me completely. Its5very hard trying to crawl out of that place. If i didn't have to fight so often, if it wasn't this intense, it'd be easier. But it's so fu*king hard and i just want to scream that I'm drowning and nothing is helping. Nothing is making this better. Nothing is making it easier. 

Thank you for sitting g with me @Oaktree at this point I feel like I've been a terrible forum friend and haven't been a very good support around here. So thank you for sitting with me despite that. I appreciate it immensely 

[Sphinxly]

Hi @saltandpepper, i'm so sorry the hopelessness is heavy right now. It sounds like you've tried many things to help ease some of the pain including reaching out to helplines. Please reach out for help off the forums if you are in need of support to keep yourself safe, and of course in a crisis contact 000. I hope it helps to share your thoughts here and know we are all with you. 

Will be thinking of you,

Sphinxly.

[Anastasia]

Oh precious @saltandpepper 

I can hear your pain 😔

It breaks my heart that life is so bloody difficult for you 💔

I don't have words or answers but I love you and I want a better life for you. Sitting hear with you and dear @Oaktree in the hope it helps a little 🙏

[Bow]

sorry its so shitty @saltandpepper  i sit in that horrible place too. knowing that my useless ex would get my daughter if i was to go. i stay for her and her alone. even though i really really dont want to stay. so just stopping by to say that you are not alone in the way that you feel and i know that that doesnt make it any easier. its a shitty existance to live. im sorry again.

[Oaktree]

Hey @saltandpepper 

I am still here. I have been where you are now. It can take a long time or just a short time - in my case it was almost 2 years but these feelings do get better. Eventually you will be pleased that you didn't give in to the depression. Think about all the little moments you would miss and all the big moments too. 

Meggle

[saltandpepper]

Thanks @Bow yeah it's really fu*king hard and I'm so sorry you're living it as well. I can't even imagine what kind of shit storm would follow for my boy if I weren't here. He doesn't deserve to find out. But it's so fu*king hard @Bow sometimes it doesn't feel like I can keep going, not even for my boy. Very selfish I know. 

[saltandpepper]

@Anastasia really I just love you so much. I wish you were here and part of my life for real. I wish my boy could be with you. You're such a good mum and your kids are so fu*king lucky they have no idea. If I knew you I'd know my boy would be safe.