@Former-Member It really does sound like such an incredibly difficult situation for you, it's difficult to even know what to suggest that may help you, other than just being here to listen if you feel that helps you.
I know in times where I felt really down on myself, for very different reasons than yourself, one thing I used to try was imagine I am talking to myself as my future self. So what would i say to myself to make me feel a bit more self-forgiving. So if I felt I was failing, I would think to tall myself that failing doesn't mean that i'm worthless, just that i'm struggling with a difficult situation on my own and i'm doing the best anyone could be expected to do.
For me, it was always why i struggled so much, because with only my own thoughts, those doubts, self-criticism, and guilt just continued to build until they felt so real that there was no alternative. So just by reaching out and hearing other people thoughts could I start to (slowly) doubt those feelings I had and learn to none of it was my fault and that enough people had made my life more difficult without me adding to that. So I learned to be kinder and more forgiving of myself which helped me to find ways to feel better about myself and seeing more clearly what was my fault, what wasn't, and exactly who that anger and pain I felt should really be directed at!
I'm in my mid 50's now and it's still hard but I do feel like I handle things better now that I would have even as little as a year ago.
Obviously, the intensity of your own feelings would be a lot more than what I felt, but maybe some of this may help, maybe not. But even just finding ways to get the emotions out of my head, to acknowledge them, and to accept it was okay to feel however i did at the time helped me a little. Like I said, I can't even being to imagine what you are dealing with, but I know that that anger, frustration and pain you feel for what happened to you and how you've been let down so badly since shouldn't be directed at yourself, but those that made you feel this way. Even if it means getting one of those punching bags or something and go to town on it! Direct all that pain and anger elsewhere, because it certainly doesn't deserve to be directed at yourself.
It's completely normal for anyone in a similar situation to have these intense feelings and thoughts that you experience. So trying to make them go away is probably fighting a losing battle, so direct them anywhere else other than the one place that don't deserve to go. I feel like by now you have surely punished yourself enough and it was never your fault anyway.
