thought cabinet

[mallory_strife]

last shift done. i'm probably not even going to get $300 for that

i need to job search again but i have been so lazy because every step of the application process sucks and everything feels out of reach for me and i am struggling to understand why i wanted a job in the first place

i talked with an online friend last night about her self-improvement plans and because i am a walking rain cloud i had to derail it and talk about how my life keeps getting smaller. i was telling her about how everything seems to require so much energy and resources i don't have and i accepted that my relationships are all going to decay and i am withdrawing from people. she tried to tell me not to in her own way but i don't know if i understood it or if it had the intended effect. i know this is rich coming from me, someone who is equally as terrible as comforting people due to my strange worldview

i hate how dependent and paranoid i get. my jealousy means that everyone is a reflection of my shortcomings and being around people is too overwhelming because i have to narrativise and judge and compare 24/7

i finished early so i was going to settle down with a movie after dinner but instead i spent an hour doomscrolling and now it's too late for movie

[AuntGlow]

Hey @mallory_strife, 

Gah, not getting enough money for a long or hard days' work is frustrating, hey? 😣

I hear you on the job-search front... it can be utterly exhausting. What kind of work would you most enjoy doing? 🤔

It seems like things have slowly become more challenging, which can absolutely create a sense of burnout, and it's genuinely so hard feeling hopeful from that place. I have been there too. If you weren't feeling this way, what do you think you'd be doing differently? 

This is such a wonderfully honest reflection: "my jealousy means that everyone is a reflection of my shortcomings and being around people is too overwhelming because i have to narrativise and judge and compare 24/7". 

Jealousy is a really tough emotion to feel, isn't it? And when we internalise others' success as a reflection of our own shortcomings, it can absolutely make that feeling grow. Sometimes, I like to view jealousy as information about what I really want in my life, but haven't been able to explore yet (because of fear, doubt, shame, etc). 

I wonder, if you view this jealousy as information, what do you notice comes up for you? i.e.: What does your heart want most right now? 

Looking forward to your reply! 🫶

[mallory_strife]

@AuntGlow 

copying from an older post:

there is a girl in my uni cohort who... i think i will have to speak about her very vaguely... is a rising star in a media organisation that is antithetical to me and she's met many public figures that i'd rather [removed by moderator] than spend a minute with. and despite my aversion to this i still crave the recognition and the... mobility? she gets that i haven't gotten for reasons that are both in and out of my control. the killer punchline is that this rampant jealousy prevents me from making any new connections because i always start obsessing over what they don't have and how that means they're too alien to me to ever bother interacting with. i'm always making new excuses for why i can't sit with anyone

[Jynx]

Hi @mallory_strife just letting you know I've edited your post to remove some graphic content. Let us know if you have any questions or concerns. Many thanks 😊

[mallory_strife]

ADHD and sensory issues are becoming more of a problem recently. i went out in the middle of the day to run errands as a "reset" and womp womp that didn't work. my frustration is getting bad again but it's not so bad that i had SH urges like i did last week. however it is bad enough to make me eat. i wish my energy levels weren't so pitiful

apparently automod doesn't like the b-word but i do not have the patience to figure out what euphemism i am meant to replace it with

[mallory_strife]

been having nightmares for a week and the thing is that all of them are the nightmares i'd have when i was 14. might have to do with how i've been age-regressing a lot recently due to stress from nowhere

i hadn't been getting enough sleep for the past three days because i was playing a citybuilder but i think i've got it out of my system now

i have to go into town tonight and it will be really fun due to [CURRENT EVENTS]

[AuntGlow]

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@mallory_strife wrote:

@AuntGlow 

copying from an older post:

there is a girl in my uni cohort who... i think i will have to speak about her very vaguely... is a rising star in a media organisation that is antithetical to me and she's met many public figures that i'd rather [removed by moderator] than spend a minute with. and despite my aversion to this i still crave the recognition and the... mobility? she gets that i haven't gotten for reasons that are both in and out of my control. the killer punchline is that this rampant jealousy prevents me from making any new connections because i always start obsessing over what they don't have and how that means they're too alien to me to ever bother interacting with. i'm always making new excuses for why i can't sit with anyone

---

Thank you for sharing this context @mallory_strife. 💛

I am curious to know how you're feeling this week?

I am also wondering if you journal/have a therapist right now? I get the sense that compassionately exploring your feelings in more depth will help a lot here - to understand their why. Every part of us serves a purpose - and many parts are there to protect us from something that feels unsafe. It can be helpful to learn more about these parts of ourselves, so that we can heal the wounds they may hold. 

What I am hearing is that this jealousy may need something to feel seen or safe. I wonder what that might be?