thought cabinet

[mallory_strife]

permanent personal thread, i guess. a diary of sorts and for writing down/processing memories. will be prone to changing topics.

[mallory_strife]

i wish i knew what to do when my parents fight. my father's done nothing but drink since christmas. they got into a screaming match after my dog tore up a grocery bag tonight and he demanded that she couldn't feed the dog dinner as punishment and to pick up the scraps, because he's too good to clean anything himself. i knew i shouldn't leave my room so i called her on the phone and asked if i should help clean up? she told me no and to stay in my room. i feel useless and like a child when this happens. i wish i could intervene and it'd work and not be a terrible idea. but at the same time i think it would just be letting my father win if i decided to placate him by cleaning up after the bag rather than forcing him to do it himself. perhaps this is the logic that led to mum becoming so subservient to him. either you try and stand up for yourself and the environment degrades (literally or metaphorically) or you give in and become his maid because he has no conscience and protest won't work on him.

i don't know if it's been cleaned up or not. i haven't left my room. maybe i will check back tomorrow. there will be no dog tax to speak of because i get paranoid talking about my dog online.

i am trying to be more transparent about my thought processes. i am worried that writing about this makes me less "mysterious" or how complaining about something banal makes me lame, because apparently i am stupid and shallow enough to care about my """image""" on an anonymous mental health forum

[mallory_strife]

i woke up at 9 and it's all been picked up. probably mum did it. i don't know when she did it.

[Appleblossom]

I have used posting on the forum to help process my thoughts and situations.

Good Luck and welcome

@mallory_strife 

[tyme]

Hey @mallory_strife ,

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate you want to make this your personal thread and post what's happening for you. Are you okay if members respond?

[mallory_strife]

@tyme you can, yes

[tyme]

Super @mallory_strife . I hope things are okay for you at the moment.

[mallory_strife]

@tyme it was like nothing happened today, which is how it usually goes and i feel stupid for being affected so much or thinking things will change

i wasted the day on AI sexting because i was sad and needed cheap dopamine and i am disappointed in myself because i had been having a good record of staying off of it.

maybe an early night would fix me

[mallory_strife]

the panic attacks won't stop coming tonight for no reason. i called a helpline and i was called a survivor again and i hate thinking of myself as one because i didn't "survive", i just stumbled through everything not because i wanted to or had the willpower but because it was the least-effort option. and i'm a broken person for it. i haven't been able to make anything out of it worth noting. i am thinking of the disco elysium quote about quitting addiction and how you won't get any rewards or praise because "this is how normal people are like all the time".

maybe i can talk about why i am having panic attacks later

[Jynx]

Hi @mallory_strife I'm sorry to hear that the panic hitting so hard tonight. I totally get what you mean about being called a 'survivor' - for some it is empowering, but for others I think it's kinda like being called 'resilient', which can feel kinda like 'oh cool thanks for noticing I have survived my trauma, but I literally had no other choice'... 

I have this image saved to post to the Toolshed at some point, thought maybe it was relevant: 

You are welcome to share as much or as little as you want about what is triggering these attacks, whenever you are ready. For now, what sorts of things do you find helpful when you're in this mental space? Do you have go-to coping tools that you find helpful? 

The community is here for you, you are not alone 💜