Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I had a session with my psychiatrist this afternoon and it was crap.  We started talking and suddenly I got onto the subject of my parents (who are not talking to me for the past 6 yrs since telling them of my childhood abuse).

I started telling him how angry I am; how hurtful I feel because they have abandoned me and don't care.  I then started to cry and told him that I would self harm just 'to get back at them' and show them.  He said that it would't make any difference because they still wouldn't come.  I cried even more hearing him say that; how can they not come to see me.  How can my dad not try to make contact with me.  I then said that I wish they weren't alive because I then  could go and visit my dad at the cemetary and talk to him there.

I then stopped and bawled my eyes out; telling him OMG i just realised what i said.  I told him i am angry at their behaviour towards me and it hurts so much.

He says I need to  move on to which I told him - easier said than done.  They are still my parents. and i think my inner child in me is still 'expecting them to come back to me' expecting them to love and support me - but they won't.

I left telling him i never want to talk about them again as it upsets me too much.  But i think in a way it was good to talk about them because i haven't for a while and i got to release some of my built up emotions.  I know Mothers Day is coming soon and i always get very emotional and upset.  Even though I am a mum and have 3 adult children I still would love to have a great relationship with my mum and my dad - but that will never ever happen.

Now left feeling drained and exhausted 😞

[Former-Member]

Hello @BlueBay,

How are you feeling his morning? I hope you have a couple of restful days ahead and can do even if it is a tiny thing, something you enjoy. Even a little walk or a nice hot shower - what do you enjoy?

I understand how drained and exhausted psych sessions can let you feel. Regularly my inner child tells me not to go back, because they (the psych) want to hurt me by remembering the past.

I am glad you were able to release some of the tension that must be building up before Mother's Day. How is your relationship with your kids? Do you have plans for Mother's Day? I have adult children too, but they live far away so I won't see them and I won't be seeing my mum too who lives far away. I think I might go shopping, have a coffee in the mall and look for some new clothes. Trying to distract myself sometimes works.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

I ended up going to the movies with my husband.  Tuesday nights is a cheaper night and I didn't have to go to DBT therapy.  We saw My Big Greek Fat Wedding which was funny - just what I needed, something funny to laugh at.

I am back at work for the rest of the week, so no time to myself.  I do find work helps at times because i am so busy doing stuff that I don't have time to think about stuff.

Mothers Day will be at home with the kids, although 2 of them will be working.  We will most likely have to go the see mother in law who is in aged care, we'll probably take her out for an hour for a coffee somewhere.  But then it's my mothers day too - so I want to just enjoy the day with my own children and husband.

I know I will have times on that day that I will be sad because of my mum - but - that was her choice to yell at me; tell me off for telling her about my childhood abuse; and then told me i had betrayed the family.  So I need to let it go somehow (which is very hard and emotional) and move forward.

I am a mum too so I will have a good day with my own daughter and boys.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay,

That's great that you found a way to make you smile last night and I really like your plans for Mother's Day.

I am yet to tell my family about my diagnosis and the abuse - or yet to decide if I ever will. I think I will treat that the same way as with my diagnosis, see if I find it beneficial. I have physically removed myself from my family and see them every few years, so I might just leave it as it is. Why should I have to deal with their questions, feelings?

[BlueBay]

Yes @Former-Member that is a hard one to deal with - telling your family about diagnosis and abuse.

Believe me - it was the hardest thing I had to ever do.  And looking back now (from the reaction and abandonment I have received) I wouldn't have told them.  But I guess at the time I was so vulnerable, just remembering my abuse as a child and suffering depression, sh, suicidal thoughts I thought that if i told my parents they would be supportive, caring, and love me - but - quite the opposite.  I had expectations in my head of what my parents would say and how they would treat me but it never happened and it still hurts.

But that's just my parents - everyone is different. 

Hope you have a nice day 🙂

Take care

[MoonGal]

@BlueBay, hard yards being rejected by your parents and I am so sorry to hear that you carry that burden so heavily and it is arrows in your heart. Although the session with your Psych sounds like it was very emotionally draining and hurtful, the tears are healing. I personally really dislike having to revisit my childhood or current fears and hurts, I have done it so many times with so many practitioners that I have a 'script' where I just recount the experiences and try not to connect with them emotionally. (They hate that!) Somehow, I think sometimes it is the Psyche's modus operandi to dig and get the muck to the surface and then they feel like they have done their job. But, then we are left bewildered, little and vulnerable again for days and weeks, there is no 'repair' to these experiences, particulary if the outcome of disclosure was abandonment. If there is no 'cure' perhaps their is  a case to hold with love our pain and be our own 'healer' particualalry when the people we WANT to have heal us, apologise, resolve the problem are not capable of doing so?

When I told my Mum and Dad about the childhood abuse they were shocked but then minimised it and eventually they tucked it away and 'forgot' I had told them. Nowadays, I never talk about it out of respect for my frail, elderly slightly demented Mum. Recently I had to deal with my abuser in a situation that required we work together for my Mum's benefit. I was triggered all over the place and managed just to shelve it over and over for the sake of the situation, I was a bit proud of myself that I got through with only two meltdowns and those in private.

I hate it when people say "Move on" as if this huge life event (or series of life events) were nothing, yet - the more I HAVE "moved on", realised that some people just cannot cope, they are people too - they will have their own reactions of denial, disgust and dislke - that they will be unreasonable and act in ways we do not like that go against our expectations, because of their own psychology makes them reject the situation (and the person), and we are not responsiible for THEIR actions and reactions. This forever hurt doesn't go away but one CAN ameliroate against its hurt and harm by separating ourselves from their opinions, reactions and actions - they are people too and even if their actions have hurt us, if we try to have empathy towards them, it can help us do that very thing that is in our own best interests and that is to Let Go (I think Let Go is a much more powerful action than "Move On".) Letting go is an acceptance, acceptance that what happened happened, that it is not right, but it happened. Letting Go is freeing and can help reset life into the now.

All the best and hope your Mother's Day is all about YOU as a mother, to your adult kids, but also being your own Mother, with love and understanding and wisdom. 

[Decadian]

😂

Ah @BlueBay

I so feel for you - something happened in my family a long time ago - I don't really know what it was about because I only had a brief comment from my father.

But I went for many years hardly ever seeing my family - and I know how terrible to wait for a phonecall or a birthday or Christmas Card - that never come - and even having your mail returned and not responded to

As the years passed things came right between me and my father - but never with my mother - and I know this hurts so much

It does not matter how old you are - you may accept what has happend and continues to be the case in the part of your brain that has to deal with all the issues of an adult life - but deep inside we have a place that cannot accept this - it is too painful - and it is not because we haven't grown up in some way. It's a natural response.

I have asked myself this same question - How could they not come? How could they do this? I am one of their children and no way could I have treated my children like that.

What has happened to you is a terrible injustice

I don't know why your parents have treated you so vadly - but it is perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do - I have written some of my story in your thread to let you know that you are not alone and that when I say what I have said - it means I really do understand

Decadian

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

So glad you got these wonderful replies from @Decadian @MoonGal and @Former-Member 

I have had some really dificult sessions with my psychologist in the past about... things that are really hard for me to think about... and i've sometimes felt like there is abit of a wave to the fall out after the session... straight afterwards i feel so drained and sometimes numb that i'm in a daze and not really thinking.. then i think i sort of try to 'get it together' do the normal stuff.. and over the next few days i guess things start to settle somehow and i can usually start to think about it in a less emotive way perhaps... sometimes i find that i'm able to start viewing things from a different perspective, or at least consider what perspective my psychologist was offering and sometimes i stil argue that perspective or realise that i didnt explain well enough/talk enough to have gotten out all those fears and doubts that ihave about something and i know i'll have to talk about it again at some point... but thats just my sort of cycle... do you or anyone else find you have a cycle or process for these sessions?

Hope you are going ok today, I think you did really well to talk abotu something thats so hard,

lj

[Former-Member]

@BlueBay

I wonder if they could ever say the right thing. I have been angry, wounded, upset... I cannot count the emotions, I have hated my parents that they did not protect me... I love my parents... It is such an emotional roller coaster and sometimes I think, the warning signs were there, they could have done more. But that is that frightened little girl talking, someone I have tried to move far away from - most of the time. I'm not sure if it does me any good to remember the past, I find it freightening when memories come back, I find it freightening what happens to me when I remember, I cannot deal with myself at the moment and require gentle and trained professionals to deal with me, I have acknowledged that now. I think talking to anyone else at the moment would make things so much worse. I have started opening up about the suicidal feelings to my GP and psych - but how would I be able to tell my partner about that? I often feel so helpless, hopeless and alone, but then I have to remind myself of everything I have and sometimes I only remind myself that if I just continue breathing for another day, the sun might just come out and shine for a while.
And most of all I hate the confusion, and I'm sure even this post sounds a little confused but I cannot be bothered to edit it...

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

your post is fine, and i totally get what you mean about the confusion.. and just holding on for.. well the next hour or day, pushing away some of the really hard stuff... ignoring as much as i can of my inner self because im sure that if ilook at it all head on i'll just disintegrate. But you ... and I... have made it this far.. lived through terrors and we're still here so we are pretty tough i think.. even if i don't always feel tough.. i did actually get out of bed this morning!

I havent got much advice on how to let your hubby know (single and very few social friends/supports because of all my issues i suppose) and i find it really frightening to tell people of whats been happening for me - even people that i rationally know in my mind that they are likely to be supportive and kind (i.e. my dr/ mental health nurse/social worker person) etc. But i do have to say that over all when i have trusted people or been forced to let other people in to whats happening for me because of family court stuff or whatever it's ended up ok and people have been kind and helpful... if that makes sense... your husband obviously loves you... try not tomake up his mind for him about how he will think if you can (and i do it alllll the time for everyoen.... oh icant ask that person that they're too busy/won't want to do it/come, won't like me if i ask/tell them that... when really i dont know what they will think!)

keep lookign after yourself,

LJ