Lived Experience Forum

[Decadian]

It's the first day of winter - lovely weather - and it's a lovely day today too - but I feel as if I am walking through deep water - or something very dense -

It happens every year - and this year I have done well - perhaps it has been unusually sunny and mild - and perhaps having joined this website - and throw in the psychologist - I have managed better - but yesterday - aaahh - that was a bad day and I am not sure if I turned my computer on - of if I did - I just wasn't capable of reading properly - I could not respond

It was not the best day of my life - but not the worst either

So it's all about my son dying and the circumstances - and I rang Life Line and talked to a wonderful woman there for quite a long time - and at the end I was exhausted.

I can't put the afternoon back together - it was too early for my medication but I stretched out on my bed and slept - at some stage I woke up and took my medication thinking I would not sleep - but did - and woke early which was fine - but it gave me a lot of time to think

What I had talked about with the lady at Life Line was the story I tell myself over and over - I did my best without support - and it the lack of support that made it all so hard. I would imagine that parents would care about their children having trouble with a badly-wired child who was always in trouble - and would care and follow through with all they could - and I have proved that I helped my son until he died - but mine didn't

It's terrible that my son died - it is terrible when any young person died - and I am pretty sure my son would not have lived a long life anyway - but the failure of family help - and the man I married who wanted a son so badly did not help - could not help - and the criticism of so many people - church people too - about this uncontrollable child - it tears me up -

This morning I wondered how I lived through each day - and I thought about my life now - and I live one day at a time - and these memories are so hard to live with. I understand people who have limitations - but I cannot understand how a whole family can turn on one member with a serious problem

They blamed me at the time - before he died Dad told me I had done something he could not have done - and except for a short time really Dad and I were always on good terms - and Dad has been gone quite some time

But still - I am outside of most things - I get on well with people - but alas - those memories curse me - and I don't want them - but they are here

And I am safe myself - but as the anniversary of my son's death gets nearer - I feel damned when I know in my mind and my heart - I did all I could for this damaged child - and I don't feel any guilt

After all - I have thought about it all these years - and of course - I think about him every day - why should I not

Decadian 😞

[Mazarita]

Hi @Decadian, the events you describe are beyond my life experience, as is the ongoing state of grief you seem to be in because of them. I wonder if there is any way to release some of that pain so that your life may be a little lighter and freer for your own sake. I hope your psychologist is able to help with this. Mainly I just wanted to let you know that I am here listening and sending kindest wishes. I'm glad you made it in here today to post about how you are going. It's good to hear from you.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian

I am sorry, I have just read your post.  I am so sorry about your son.  Sending you lots of love and hugs.  Take care, i am happy to chat with you any time.

Thank you for being so caring towards me.  xxxooo

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Decadian

What you are describing is beyond my life experience too, but I feel for you, very deeply.

I hope it helps you to be able to talk about it here, and I am among others who are more than happy to listen to you, wanting to ease your pain and be here for you.

What you achieved sounds incredible, and I am sure you did everything you knew how to do.  You were there for him while he was here.  Maybe that is all any of us can do, and you did it, as painful as the memories are.  I hope the psychologist can help that pain to heal enough to make it more bearable.

It is many years now since I lost my mother, and the tears still come, and there are times when it still burns.  I imagine it is much worse than that for you, but what I carry in my heart gives me awareness and compassion for you.

Gentle hugs @Decadian.  I can paint a candle for your son, I would love to, but you need to let me know if it is something you can accept.  You are feeling very tender, and I respect that.

Lots of love and healing thoughts for your heavy heart.

💜💐💜💐💜💐💜

[eth]

 @Decadian

[Former-Member]

Hello dear Decadian,

Your post really moved me and I could relate in part. Especially to your unconditional love you had for your troubled son. My daughter was troubled too. Hung around with the wrong company, smoked cannabis which resulted in violent moods swings and 4 suicide attempts. She was badly bullied at schoo, and was sexually assaulted when not under our care. 

Everyone but myself abandoned her - my husband emotionally distanced himself from her. There was good reasons as she hurt many people badly and nearly killed myself and husband. We had to put her out but I never gave up on her - I got not let go even though it nearly destroyed me. I have also lost through different circumstances 3 other children so I do understand the agony of loss, grief and heartache.

My daughter has improved and is back at home, working hard in a good job, is much more civil, has a boyfriend and some normality but can still be very moody and somewhat unpredictable. One day at a time.

its fortunate she is still with us. it took me a very long time to overcome the grief of losing my other children enough to move on. But the sun does shine again. It is amazing when we look back how we could survive such a heartbreaking and traumatising ordeal. One day at a time is the only way otherwise it just becomes too overwhelming.

i was pleased to read that you get on with well with people - do you live alone? You are a such a strong lady, I can understand how hard it can be.

[Former-Member]

Post continuation:- (still having technical problems posting)

i jist ist wanted to add how much I feel for you and that my thoughts are with you on this anniversary. Sending you warm hugs xxx 💛💐💛💐💛💐

[Decadian]

Thanks so much for your comments @Mazarita@eth@Faith-and-Hope and @BlueBay

It has only been since I have been seeing my psychologist that I have been able to really see what happened back then - and still continues with my sister - and actually - I have very little to say that I really know about what happened originally - but I can tell you this much

I have occasionally asked people older than myself - so they might have been my age now - and they have often been really shocked - and I stopped saying anything.

The person who had the most to say that was not understanding was a widow who had never had children - and there are those irritating people who can't know or understand because of somethingn in themselves

But all of you have said kind things to me even if you can't relate to what happened or even understand why any one could behave as my family did - and I don't know why

My father was proud of me though - we saw each other from time to time but he needed peace at home and I did have a long talk with him not long before he died - and then a short one hours before he left - and there was nothing between us that was unsaid - nothing wrong - I miss him

So I am not a judgmental person - after all - we all make mistakes - I have forgiven what happened - that is the easy part - but forget - unfortunately I don't think I ever can

But - if what I was supposed to do was to get rid of this troublesome child - I couldn't do that - I am so glad I stuck with him - I know I did all I could and perhaps everyone did - who knows. Perhaps I was given all the abiltiy to deal with such a situation and the other people didn't have it - so how could I condemn them

It is hard to get through the days now - but soon the days will start drawing out and a long walk I took last week was when I saw the first shoots of winter coming out - I can go past that place from time to time and watch - possibly they are bulbs - jonquils or hyacinths

I cannot change the past - I don't understand the past - but I know my parents suffered a great deal - but that was not my choice - mmmm - I could say more - maybe in time I will

I joined this website knowing I would reach a place where I would open up about my sorrow here - yes - it is more than just my son - and there is a lot more -

Thanks so much for your comments - I don't feel so alone.

Decadian

[eth]

Thinking of you @Decadian.  It's not easy but sometimes it helps to open up like you are doing.   Here for you.

I feel for you too @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hi @Decadian,
My thoughts echo @Mazarita and @Faith-and-Hope sentiments which were so eloquently written. I am wondering if there is anything we can do to help and if so what would that be?
Sending you kind and gentle thoughts for your difficult time💜