Lived Experience Forum

[Evie1]

I’d love to talk about y I can’t stop thinking about y it was me who got hurt 

[May23]

Unfortunately that may be a question you never get an answer to @Evie1 but it is human nature to try and understand the why of everything. Trauma didn't choose you. The monster who attacked you brought the trauma to you. Feel free not to answer if it's too difficult but I was wondering if you knew your attacker?

[Evie1]

I was attacked by people I knew and by strangers so both I still feel like it’s all my fault I put myself at risk but how doesn’t that excuse what happened to me 

[May23]

Whether or not you knew them doesn't change the fact that it happening was completely inexcusable but it can alter your perception. If attacked by complete strangers you may still be able to trust those close to you whereas being attacked by someone you know especially a loved one can make trust something that feels impossible to give. If you can't trust yourself how can you possibly trust others.

I totally relate with self blame for putting yourself at risk. I gave my attacker a lift home when he was drunk and upset. For years I believed that there must have been something I did or said that made him think I wanted him to do what he did. It wasn't until I went over details of my assault with my psychologist that I was able to start to see things differently. Rough sex is one thing if that's what people are into but being beaten and choked when you try to make it stop or get away definitely takes the blame away from the victim. All sexual assaults are an act of violence even if they don't involve a beating. Being unable to fight back successfully to make it stop was also a struggle for me to get past until I realised that I survived my assault at least physically. Nothing anyone says or anything you do can take back what happened to you but by learning to cope with it is how I took back some of the power that was taken away from me that night. 

My assault was 10yrs ago and there are still bad days and triggers that flare up my PTSD but I now have the coping techniques to deal with them when they happen. 

[May23]

@Evie1 this is just my opinion so feel free to disagree but I believe you did what you needed to survive the assault. By walking or running away you may have enraged him further and there's no guarantee you would have been able to get away. 

Our bodies experience all kinds of physiological responses to different conditions such as shivering when cold and sweating when hot. There are more complex responses like disassociation where it can feel like what's occurring is happening to someone else. All of these responses can occur completely out of our control. At the end of the day our brains tell our bodies to do whatever is required to survive. There is no way of knowing if that is the reason you didn't leave the situation but it is definitely worth considering as a possibility. Whether you scream, fight back or simply take the assault it is still NOT your fault. The only person responsible is the one committing the heinous acts not those on the receiving end of the violence. 

[Evie1]

My assaults involved physical pain and I was 18 years old I broke up with a man I dated for 3 months he was very angry and that’s when he assaulted me I remember screaming but he didn’t stop why didn’t I walk away when I had the chance to run for my life 😥”

[May23]

My previous response was to the post you made then had to edit ❤❤

[Evie1]

I’ve had the worst day ever today 

[Maggie]

Hi @Evie1  I’m listening if talking will help.

[May23]

@Evie1  what happened today to make your day so difficult?