14-01-2020 08:11 PM
It very hard being between a rock and a h... place. As mums we are often in those positions, but take heart that he can follow through and completed study. I tiptoed around my son for a long long time. Yes and physical issues started to plague my brother after he acted out.
Your son has definite financial skills so I would be going zero financial support. He is no fool. Only give if you thought it was for a specific project that had long term viability. A lot of people who study at uni are not sure what they want to do or mainly do it to fulfill social expectations. I know paid staff at the zoo where I volunteer began in management or finance and became disillusioned with corporate life and moved into conservation. Maybe that is me pushing my values, but money and a car is not everything. I wonder what other things might move him. My children never bought a car, though my daughter has a bought a house. Your son is still on the younger side of adulthood. Maybe he needs time to reassess things now that he is obviously not a good fit for his trained vocation. Those skills might come in handy in other jobs ... he might need more outdoors or self employment options ...
My son is 27 and he just got into uni. He will get some credits. I could focus on the lost time, but no point, I am taking the better late than never approach. My son school refused from year 7 so it has been a long slog in other ways, and the turn around worth it.
Shame is a hard thing to negotiate. Not sure how you can help open doors, but without male role modelling and relationships it is hard for some to find their way. Try not to give up hope.
15-01-2020 11:41 AM
I am trying to be hopeful especially when i hear that people try to make a differnece for themselves eventually seeking guidance and help.
Can i ask what was it that made your son and brother finally seek help? I am hoping my son will agree to get help some time soon.
15-01-2020 02:39 PM
My son is not a big "help seeker", but episodes forc. ed his hand so he has to accept some. He is more resigned to it, than impressed by the helpfulness of the the helpers. Yet we were very isolated and it is better than the way things were. He felt and still feels I over value the "system" which might be true, but as I have lived through worse things, sometimes it is better that than nothing. So I have changed my tune a little and acknowledge more limitations while still encouraging him to seek help as needed, and to be independent when possible ... its a fine line to walk ... for every human really. None should have to live totally isolated.
On the other hand, refusing unnecessary "help" is part if his integrity. He has renegotiated an NDIS plan that is cheaper for NDIS and suits his needs better anyway.
The limitations of "making it good" were made painfully clear in my family, by a rich millionaire brother also dying young (52). Money is only a part of life. Its not everything.
Very sadly, my other brother did not make it good and did not seek help and died at 33, when they were clearing out the psych wards in the mid 1990s. I call him a martyr to the limitations of deinstitutionalisation. Now I try and keep the system honest. It is the least I can do.
My best advice is not to presume the system has all the answers ... just a hand up ... its better if some of the answers come from your son ... better for his own ego development ... we all have to let go so some arrogance but find what is essential within ... focus on the collaborative ethos and vision of the services.
16-01-2020 06:38 PM
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It has given me some understanding that what we might envisage a resolution is not always seemingly suitable to a difficult situation. Maybe we have to ride the wave as they say and just do the best that we can.
Thank you again for listening and sharing.
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