My story

[amonrae04]

Hi All

I'm going through a very difficult period in my life right now and wanted to find an outlet to share what I'm going through. For those that suffer with depression I'm grateful to have the opportunity to talk to my family however they find it hard to understand what this disease does to people and so they can't relate and I'm hoping to find a group that can relate with me.

I'm a 39 yo male with a wife and two young children. My father committed suicide when I was aged 12 and my mother is an alcoholic since that time (fortunately in an extended period of sobriety).

I've been afforded many privileges and things to cherish in my life due to the above circumstances my siblings and I are very close and I have a lovely partner and my children are healthy and thriving. I have suffered periods of depression usually post breakups and they have been hard and I have definitely due to the depression found it harder to bounce back and brush off as others might.

Earlier this year after managing some difficult situations at work and facing into stressful situations a truck hit me (not literal) but fight or flight was activated and I experienced the most intense period of panic I had ever experienced. It lasted for a weekend and I managed to navigate the situation at work and thought I was in the clear. And then boom a couple of weeks later a seemingly inoxiuous thing I had to do at work and that feeling of absolute dread. Again fight or flight activated. I freaked out what is happening to me? Why do i feel this way? I went and saw my gp I had been on my antidepressants for ten years maybe a switch in medication will help? So we switched it up and over the next three weeks I went to work each day an absolute ball of anxiety and stress. I lost a lot of weight [edited by moderator] in three weeks. However I started to feel better! Then again a situation I would normally feel nervous but manageable at work and the dread again!!

I had a trip planned overseas to try and improve my mood and I spent the whole trip with a relative who lived overseas spiraling with anxiety and now depression. What's wrong with me? I kept thinking.

I came back from overseas tried to go back to work but it was too overwhelming. That was three weeks ago. I've been seeing a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist for the last two weeks. I'm eight weeks into the medication switch and honestly I dread waking up every morning. I sit in the shower each day just thinking about how to get myself out of feeling this way. Suicide I think about it (would never do it because of the impact my father's suicide has on us) but it's all think about to end the pain.

Most people would say dude your jobs causing this just leave? Catch is I have a family/mortgage and this is my career that I've invested years into cultivating for myself. Walking away into the unknown is not the easy for me. Im depressed I've lost all confidence in myself how will I go and interview with another company? 

For my childhood security left me and I had to navigate it myself believing that all I could rely on was myself and now I'm letting myself down and being the cause of my own insecurity.

Why cant I just be the way that I was? Confident, self assured, manageable I miss that version of myself. I feel like a shell of the person I was now and all i see is dark.

The blessing I have and I know other people don't have this so I never take it for granted is people in my corner rooting for me and reaching out to support me. Some days I feel like I'm letting them down with my endless depressive demeanor I'm sure they are thinking what cant he just get better?

Anyway internet that's me that's my story. I hope anyone that reads this this ok and just know your not battling this alone I'm over here fighting the day struggle to live another day with you.

[Jynx]

Hi @amonrae04 thank you for sharing your story with us! I hope in doing so you feel perhaps a little lighter 😌 

I can really hear how much you're carrying, and how confusing it is to have such a rollercoaster of emotional experiences, seemingly out of nowhere. 

Sometimes, trauma is weird... we might not realise something was traumatic, until we actually start processing it. That can occur months or years later for some people. So first off the bat I can assure you there's nothing wrong with you. You are responding rationally to intense distress, overwhelm, and circumstances beyond your control. Might just be that some stuff had to stay buried until you were able to handle it. I know for myself, there's been some traumas I haven't really been able to process until I was actually safe enough within myself to do so. I hope you've got plenty of support, professional or otherwise, to help you in figuring it all out!

I also hope you find some connection and solidarity here, and maybe we can support you in your journey of finding (or maybe creating!) yourself again 😊💜

[amonrae04]

Thanks @Jynx it was definitely a cathartic experience writing it all out and perhaps being more honest here than I had been with my family or pshyc hoping I find some connection and solidarity here too!

[balance37]

"Some days I feel like I'm letting them down with my endless depressive demeanor I'm sure they are thinking what cant he just get better?"

I disagree with this. True friends will stick by you. I don't believe your friends would ever believe you're letting them down. I can already see in what you have written here that you are a very giving person and always thinking of others. I think we are always much quicker to judge ourselves and criticise ourselves for things that are not true. The other thing I can already see about you is that you are a very honest and reflective person and that you have been brave enough to reach out and share your experiences with us. That is not at all easy!

[amonrae04]

Thank you for replying and reading my story @balance37

[Former-Member]

Hi @amonrae04,

Thank you for your post.

You have articulated your experience so well and that’s an amazing quality.

I wanted to let you know that I connected with your post, and was very moved by it.

Also wanted to share that I think you’re doing an amazing job.

I’ve been in a similar space for a very long time and I will lose my life to this very soon, but I also really wanted to tell you that fighting as you are is the right thing to do.

This is how I know:

Because no matter how horrific things get, every single day life is just showing us how much beauty there is - in others and in us.

I’m sure you see this in your gorgeous kids, who need you and want you in their life no matter how you show up.

I hope you find people to connect with in the sane community. I haven’t had much to do with the forums but I have found a few people on the helpline who saw me and knew me, and I got to live a little longer because of them.

Keep going cos it matters buddy.

I hope that with time, kindness, care and your family you can make it.

I reckon you can.

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Former-Member ,

It sounds like life can really throw a few curveballs.

You have shown great bravery in sharing.

We are sitting with you.

[amonrae04]

Thank you for responding! And thank you for sharing that you were moved by my post hopefully it can help others feel connected as we are all struggling.

I stand in solidarity with you! I see you!

[Till23]

@amonrae04 hello and welcome

Hope you find what you need here on the forums.

I have found it a friendly and supportive place

A little tip is that if you want the person you're responding to, to know you've responded just type @ with a couple of letters from their name and a list will pop up with their name

Such as @Former-Member 

I can understand some aspects of your story I also have depression and anxiety (and cPTSD).

I also kept working even though it was extremely difficult and making my MH worse because I had a mortgage and needed to keep working. I managed to get to a point where I could take an early retirement and it's not financially very sound, especially in current economic climate, but at least I do not have the stress of work and I do have the house currently.

I have been on antidepressants for decades off and on - mainly on. My MH issues seem to be cyclical I have good times and bad at which points I often think about how much better it would be if I wasn't here.

I find it difficult to talk to people about MH issues, because I agree it's difficult for them to understand what it's like to feel so down or so anxious.

So know you are not the only one who feels like that and that you will read similar stories here.

You have achieved so much despite suffering early trauma, so you obviously have resilience

I hope you find what you're looking for on the forums.

[amonrae04]

@Till23 thanks for your reply 

I somehow made it through the weekend, if I reflect on my journey at least my social anxiety has subsided I was able to get out and see friends and family and spend time with them 

The depression that hangs over me now is just so intense everyday feels like waking up to my worst nightmare. I just had an appt with my psychologist and I am even starting to lose hope in that it just seems to go around in circles without any progress ever being made.

Im just waiting to feel better and everyday that comes and goes the hope just seems to diminish each passing day.

I'm going to go out for a walk now because I don't know what else to do with myself