Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[myfamily]

Hi, I"m wandering if anyone can help with some advice? Our daughter has been living out of home since she was 17, she is now 23 and has been addicted to ice and heroin for 6 years, we have tried so many times to help her, but she is now finally saying that she wants to get clean, she is 28 days clean today! I'm very proud! We are waiting on a confirmed date for her to enter a Rehab facility for 6 months so for now she is back living with us, along with 3 siblings aged 8, 11 are step brother and sister, and 19 year old brother, the 19 is aware of the whole story but the younger ones are innocent to everything and cant understand why their step sister is so moody, angry, sad, all the time.

Early tonight she yelled at one of the younger ones, so I calmly tried to explain to her that we cannot tiptoe around her, I tried to explain to her that we understand that she is going through a terrible time , but we all have to live together, we love her and we only want to help her.

That set her off into a rage, swearing, screaming that she is coming off drugs, shes been raped numerous times, she just wants to hurt herself, this went on for over an hour screaming, I put the kids in the car and took them to a friends house, came home to her dad trying to calm her, but she kept going, we dont know what to do! Her dad has taken her to a friends house for the night and he is staying with her, but I'm nervous to have her back here because I have to protect the younger ones!

She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, we cant let her down and kick her out, but we just dont know what to do, we cant afford private treatment so have to rely on public system which feels like we"re getting no where in a hurry!! Can anyone help with where we can turn too????

[CherryBomb]

Hi @myfamily

Sounds like you are dealing with an aweful lot: caring for several children at different ages with differeing needs, looking after you daughter who is detoxing and dealing with a new diagnosis.

From what you've written, it sounds like you are doing all that you can. It's great that you are keeping the other children safe, and you are gently and respectfully setting boundaries.

Support someone who is using amphetamines can be challenging. It can be hard knowing what you should or shouldn't do. There's really no rights or wrongs. But I think it's great that you're searching for information about what you can do to help.

Turning point has video resource that goes through the what, when, why and how you can support someone who is/was using ampetamines. You might also find talking to a drug and alcohol counsellor helpful. There's a free national 24/7 hours service, Directline, where you can speak to a professional counsellor on 1800 888 236. Or you can contact the Family Drug Helpline. On that line, you can speak to someone who has had a personal experience caring for someone with a D&A issue.

I'm not sure state you are but Spectrum provides support specifically for people with personalty disorders in Victoria. There website also has rescourses that you might find useful. It might be worth getting in contact with them to see if they can provide information/advice about where you can access support. There's also a 12-week course family facilitated by Family Connection. You can find more info here.

You might also find this thread useful. In it, @Leigh talks about caring for her adult son with BPD. @Jacob101 also has an expartner with BPD. @SimpleAsThis wrote this post about how to approach someone who has D&A issues. Perhaps they can share some advice?

Also, keep an eye on the Forums next Topic Tuesdays. Coming up soon, we'll have a specal guest in to talk specifically about BPD. You should get a newsletter anyway that will give your more details.

Hope this helps.

CB

[Durango]

Hi @myfamily,

As I read your post I am thinking how are you taking care of your self? Caring for children has challenges when things are going well, throw in mental illness, drug addiction, blended families, detox, frustrations with the 'system' and think you must be a super hero to keep up! Please set some boundaries for your daughter that say what you will do what you won't do and what she will do and not do etc. Safety and security for dependant children is first and your daughter needs to understand that. Lean on supports for your self and take time out (if possible) to make sure you are keeping as well as you can. You and your husband also need to be on the same page to avoid conflict and mixed messages being sent about what is acceptable behaviour. 

Keep having a look at the forum also for ideas and help/support from other members.

Take care,

Durango.

[carermum]

Hi Myfamily.
I agree with Cherrybomb and Durango, particularly in ensuring YOU are looking after yourself. Making sure you have time 'away' from your caring role is essential for your own state of mind and wellbeing. As it is for your partner/husband and your daughter's other siblings. Also important is that you ALL (yes including the younger ones) educate yourselves on the issues you face around your daughter's BPD diagnosis and her drug use. Helping the younger ones to understand that your eldest daughter has an ‘illness’ and that she behaves the way she does because she is very ill, is important in helping them to understand she is unwell and that she doesn’t mean to hurt them or you by her behaviour. This is also essential in learning how to respond and cope with your shared experiences, as well as help you all to separate the illness (her diagnosis and addiction/s) from her as a person. Very, very important and unfortunately, it's a long journey. There are many services to access help, but I only know of ones in Victoria.... Contact a local Community Services organisation in your area, hospital, local government office, or search online for information. Here are a few others for Victoria - apart from SANE, which is also great of course..: Commonwealth Respite & Carelink Centres (CRCCs) call 1800 052 222 or www.health.gov.au/ccsd. Carers Vic: 1800 242 636 or www.carersvic.org.au. Another is ARAFEMI, call 039810 9300 or www.arafemi.org.au, who have groups for people with lived experience of BPD and Bipolar etc, plus partners and carers groups. Of course the Australian BPD Foundation Ltd; at www.bpdfoundation.org.au is a great resource.
I recently registered with Mental Illness Fellowship (MIFellowship) who I have found offer a wide range of workshops, forums and groups. As a carer myself; providng full-time care for my adult daughter who is diagnosed with BiPolar and BPD; I attended their 'Fostering Realistic Hope' BPD workshop a couple of weeks ago and found this an excellent forum for discussion, support and information. It was attended by carers, partners, family members and friends of people with lived experience of BPD. Excellent! There are several support groups for carers of people with BPD around Melbourne, with one starting up in the outer east region soon. They also offer 'Well Ways' programs including 'Understanding Mental Illness' and 'Well Ways Duo' (mental illness, drugs and alcohol) for families and friends of people with a mental illness. Plus there are programs for your daughter, where she will meet others with lived experience who are also learning how to manage their illness. Importantly, utilising these programs, she will learn what is acceptable behaviour and the importance of maintaining her relationships with her family - how not to isolate herself from you and her supports. Many of the programs at MIFellowship and other organisations run over a few weeks - up to 12 weeks, one evening or morning a week for some. I can't emphasise how beneficial these programs are for developing understanding and support.... For all the family, but particularly for you and your partner. All of you are living with this mental illness in some way - but it's also important for you to understand that IT IS an illness...
MIFellowship main office is in Fairfield, contact details are: 038486 4200 or email enquiries@mifellowship.org their website: www.mifellowship.org or helpline (open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm is 0384864222.
Accessing specialised programs will also help YOU and your family to develop strategies for coping, managing behaviours and helping her during these episodes. There are many 'phases' within your caring role 'journey' that will be challenging and distressing. But you (and you're family need to know, you're certainly not alone. There ARE people who can help you - and you've taken a great step by offering your experience on this forum.
In my experience, the public system is really no more difficult than the private system. Each has truly hair-pulling-out-frustrating-screaming-swearing problems when it comes to so-called specialists, medications, treatments and the idiosyncrasies of psychiatrists! My daughter does not have a drug dependency - even though it was drugs that triggered her first psychotic episode/s. So I can't offer any advice on that issue. My heart goes out to you - particularly dealing with ICE! The most important thing is SHE wants help. You obviously love her very much and letting her know you are proud of her is important - each little step. As you will learn with BPD - encourage, empathise, but don't be an enabler. You are already developing limits to what's acceptable for you in your home and what's not! This is great and talking to her and coming to an agreement about this and discussing why these limits are important to you and your family (including her) and why they must apply - like how it upsets/distresses the younger ones when she yells at them... Ie; what is unacceptable behaviour - like yelling (at anyone). Also discuss and come to an agreement re consequences, which you have to stick to..... Building up your support network and meeting other carers will boost your resources, both within the services sense and emotionally.
Good luck - & we're here for you

[jessie]

My heart goes out, for what that's worth. I've had a similar experience with a daughter and I can't say with a happy ending but I can say things are going really well at the moment and have for a few years. The first thing I would do is try to get your daughter to see at least one other psychiatrist. My daughter's life changed when, after 5 years of incorrect diagnosis (including one of BPD) by 3 different psychiatrists and many clinic admissions, her condition was diagnosed as Bipolar Spectrum, towards the Bipolar 2 end. I remember too well the screaming when I physically stopped her from harming herself and the times I wasn't there to stop her. Those symptoms are not confined to BPD, as you may know.

There's every chance your daughter's diagnosis is sound, but there's so much to lose if it's not. Some disorders with similar symptoms are best treated by very different medications, so it's crucial that you find a professional who is very knowledgeable, really cares about results and is persistent. I'd offer that advice to every carer or person with lived experience of any mental illness. It's not like engineering, where you only need to ask one professional to calculate what size beams you need to support a 2 ton balcony. My daughter and I never accepted "inevitability," no matter how competent the treating professional. Every time her condition stagnated and we were told there was no silver bullet, we tried another psychiatrist and eventually found one who found the silver bullet.

[hopeandsupport]

don't delay, ring the ambulance, she has a mental illness and don't feel guilty it's for her own good and your other children shouldn't be subjected to all of it.  i'm speaking from experience.

[peppy]

hi my family

reading your story is like my own, mine has also  been going on for years ice the preferred drug BPD and bipolar .All the things you have to do removing grandkids from home while she has an episode etc is our life to ,we walk on egg shells everyday thats when shes here which is not much at the moment as she still on some drug or other. I feel the mental health has let us down no help at all, they say she has to want help but with all the mental health things they say she has how do they expect her to know what she needs easier to leave it to us to try to handle last nite I told her if she dosent come home and get counsilling stay on her anti depressants and follow our rules then she can come get her stuff because we are moving on with her child we already are his parents .Everyone says you have to look after yourself but how can you when they are on your mind 24/7 but i will not put up with her abuse anymore she needs to know we deserve better and we deserve our lives to, I love her with all my heart and she knows this that is why she manipulates us so much , I hope your daughters rehab date comes really soon for your sake as well as hers and just know your situation and mine is more wide spread I used to think it was just happening to my family but find it sad just how many of us out there with the same thing there is. Good luck and please keep us posted as to how your daughter is doing it may give those of us whose kids are still in denial about what these drugs and illnesses are doing to them some hope ,

Peppy

[CherryBomb]

Hi everyone on this thread @peppy @myfamily @hopeandsupport @jessie and @carermum

I thought that you might like to know that this Tuesday (16/06) we will have a Topic Tuesday in the Lived Experience Forums that focuses on debunking the myths of BPD. We will be joined by Sonia Neale who is both a professional and person with lived experience of BPD. So if you have any questions or want to learn more about BPD, join us for the conversation. It starts at 7pm AEST.