Lived Experience Forum

[Decadian]

You are right @utopia - most of the time our wounds heal to scars - sometimes massive because of the extent of the damage

But my mother never healed because she could never accept that she was wrong - my sister might be the same

I remember when Dad died he was ready - as a man of faith - and he left quickly after his time came

My mother lasted for days in a comatose state - I was angry that the nurses didn't put her teeth in - I felt it could not have done any harm - I felt really angry through those days - nearly week -

Perhaps those of us who admit we are imperfect - because we all are - have it easy because we work hard out our faults and sorrows and ditch unnecessary burdens with therapy etc - whatever - just other people like our Forum Family

I feel a terrible sorrow for my mother and how she suffered - she could not know how she hurt me and how I forgave her everytime

But for all of that I have scars that are healed or are healing - like everyone who persists here - and I think of my scars as medals shaped like stars - worth having

Dec

[Decadian]

Thanks @Zoe7

I had to wait ages for my double appointment that last 10 minutes and was free - and then wait for ages for a taxi - I am unable to think about dinner just yet

But it went well

I had this brilliant idea while I was talking to him - I told him it was okay to be unhappy - we were brought up being told we had to be happy all the time - and he said that we didn't need to be unhappy all the time either

I said

"Supposing you had a noxious plant growing outside your bedroom window and it gave you a headache but you couldn't do anything about it because it was growing in the garden next door - would you be happy about that?"

I have the exotic thoughts at times - ah - he laughed

Btw - that's how I think about TS - she's a noxious plant that gives me a headache and I can't do a darn thing about her and I am unhappy about that

Dec

[Former-Member]

I'd slip over in the dark with some roundup - problem fixed. As for people, let them go. Hard when ya lonely but gosh - a little self respect, not worth the pain & nothing to them. I've stopped expecting anything good from my sis, in my direction that is. Its her God given freedom of choice. I really needex family those first few years ater my girl died, and oh my God - the added emotional pain of no sister too (my closest ext family relationship, NOK...), near destroyed me - but Who am i to eben want more than she cares or is able to give? In some corners i truly am nothi g. so i gave her to God - feel nothing, don't know her anymore. Its what she wants. Oops, made it about me but thought it might help you Dec.

[Decadian]

Hi @Appleblossom

You will know when to open the Inquest - the first time I read my son's inquest I read it at the Coroner's Court and went up to Life Line in Melbourne crying all the way and they spoke to me straight away

The second time was much later and as hard as it was - and as hard as it can be to tell anyone the details - I can read it without falling apart - but most details I will keep to myself for the rest of my life

Yes - I have been triggered by the situation at the Melbourne Juvenile Justice Centre - I am not sure what will happen but I feel myself I have been there and done and and remember Forest Gump when he stopped running - other people were lost when he stopped - but he had run as far as he wanted to - and that's how I have to think about what I did for all of that and the Aboriginal Deaths in Custody also

At the same time I do care about the bigger picture - I guess I have to hold it in my heart for now and wait and see how I feel

At the same time I have heard that the Government wants to New Start and Youth Allowances - our kids are not given a fair chance and this really p^ss^s me off in a serious way. I will respond to that one.

Yes - I need my own thread  - I have the urge to soap-box from time to time (I must search for a soap-box so you will all know for sure that I know for sure that I am soap-boxing?

And I am glad I am clever - like - too clever for whom - I think we need people in LE with some medical knowledge - in fact - I am constantly amazed how much information of all kinds is shared in this Forum

Dec

bte - I will be a voice for your activism Apple

[utopia]

@Decadian. If the individual doesn't see they have a problem - then to them - there is nothing to fix. So no - they never get better.
I like that you say - those who admit they are imperfect - they work on themselves. They doa lot of hard work. They are strong. They are smart.
Putting your head in the sand - just makes them idiots.
I'm glad you wear your scars as medals. Our journey makes us who we are. That's why I say I'm glad I got sick. Because without that awful journey - I wouldn't be loving what I do now. Myself, my country and mountain, my forum family, etc.
Some journeys we wish ee didn't have to take. We don't all get a choice in these things. But we do choose where we go from here.
Your posts here are very inspiring. Thank you

[Decadian]

I don't mind it being about you @Former-Member

That was a satirical message I sent you when you first went down to care for your parents - I thought it was like a soap opera and had no idea until I read more how much you really needed - and it was a good thing to know all this in the long run

I am too good for my sister but I still love her for all the nastiness in her heart - and I think that's a good thing. I doubt she will ever want my help - that would ruin her perfect record for not having my help but then - I remember

I taught her to read - she doesn't remember that - and I taught her maths - I was so thrilled to have a baby sister and yet she seemed to resent me from an early age. I get it - she wanted our mother 100% and every so often Mum was happy to let me babysit and I was happy to babysit - and I can hold the good nature I still have

And yes - a good dose of round up could help but that would leave me feeling less than I am - so it's better to have my bad moments - and puzzle about it all from time to time

But unless it's too hot tomorrow I will be seeing my psychologist - late afternoon - it's not worth heat-stress though

I guess one thing about family is that blood is thicker than water - but really hard to work out how my parents gave their share of identical DNA to three kids and we are all so different - and I think I skimmed the gene-pool.

I am a good-natured soul - I have no idea who I inherited that from - possibly an ancestor I never knew

Dec

[Decadian]

Yes @utopia

Then I add my turf, my rules and my castle. Reason to live alone

It is totally my scars/medals and our journeys - and our Forum Family - we can come and go but the family keeps on posting and it's always there when we come back

I like all these things we can own

Dec

I have to get some more clip art for my thread - I have been busy for an hour - just on my thread

And time I thought about dinner

[Former-Member]

.
You said; "That was a satirical message I sent you when you first went down to care for your parents - I thought it was like a soap opera..."
I am surprised you felt this at first. It worries me others see me in the same light and think the same. Felt sad when i looked it up, 'satrical' - am I really that bad to draw out such #%£#? My Sis always accused me of being too 'emotional' 'dramatic' Now you say i'm 'needy' too (like my son). And Utopia accusing me of letting my "MI take control" - I don't see it all yet, the same, just trying not to die tonight (not tgat anyones picked it up). Me think suck labels & attitudes & judgements are unhelpful & unnecessary. Makes me wish i didnt reach out. But I'm too tired to not let it go - tizwhatittiz.

SATRICAL:
sarcastic,
critical,
mocking weaknesses.
ironic,
sardonic,
scornful,
derisive,
ridiculing,
taunting;
caustic,
trenchant,
mordant,
biting,
Cutting,
stinging,
pungent,
cynical;
critical,
irreverent,
disparaging,
disrespectful,
.
.
.
why?

[Decadian]

Aw @Former-Member

I did not mean any of those things when I said my message was satirical - satire is often thought to mean the same things as sarcastic - but if I had been sarcastic I would have meant to hurt - I didn't -

I saw your situation at your home as very sad - and it was really hard for me to understand why you were there - I could not and would not have tolerated that from my family - but it is a totally different family - and my family was intentionally cruel and drove me away deliberately - my father was so sorry about all of this - but not the other members of my family - they went on with it and I still sting and do not involve myself in the games

The last years of my mother's life were hateful is a way described by a lot of those words that do not describe satire in the way I meant as a person who has been satirical for most of my life and studied the humour in it at university - actually - satirre is meant to draw the sting and also draws laughter - but when people who use satire laugh are laughing at themselves

I am so sorry - I had no intention at all to hurt you - and I misunderstood the situation which I did see as a soap opera at first but then realised how bad the situation is - and your commitment to stay was something I never have done with my own family without them tearing something out of me - and what my family did to me over decades is something I can never fully relate to anyone -

I don't see you as emotional, dramatic,needy, (I wonder what is wrong with needy anyway) or letting your MI take control

I made a mistake - I think you are wonderful kind past being kind in any way I can be and in using the word satirical I made a mistake

I am glad I stuck with it - and satire does not mean all those words - as cutting as it can be - and it was me who was satirical - not you

I am sorry -

Dec

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I never said you 'let' your MI take over. I said your MI has taken over. To me they mean two different things. I meant - you were talking about struggling and thinking that my earlier post was sarcastic. - & just like me when my MI - depression is around - words that others say - van easily be misinterpreted.
But I never said or have ever thought - that you 'let' your MI take control.
I'm sorry you feel this way. Because all I wrote was "welcome Home" - & I was genuine in wishing you a happy homecoming.