Lived Experience Forum

[Maple]

I have been living with my husbands diagnosis of depression for a year. It was around the time he quit working and hasn't been looking for work since. His moods are up and down, he is resentful of me. He wont discuss any of his treatment with me. He says I am partly to blame for his feelings.

I am so sad and tired of trying to support and help him. I do what I can for myself both mentally and physically. I have been and still see a therapist to keep me clear about how I am dealing with the stresses let alone the issues that go along with my husbands illness. I wish I could know more about what is happening for him so that I may alter how I handle things if need be. I look after our school age kids and come home to cook and clean after work. I have friends I can confide in and a sister who is supportive but I am at a stage where I dont know what else to do. I want to be in a loving, supportive, respectful relationship. Not mother to another adult.

My husband says he feels like he can see himself going back to work one day...then he says he cant see himself working again on the next day. He cant kiss me good night one night then apparently is able to give me a kiss goodbye the next morning....should i live away from him for a while? I have contacted a relationship councilor and attended once, with a view to us attending as a couple after he has seen them alone too but 'the old stone wall' has gone up again from my husband. Is seeing someone together helpful or not in this situation? I dont think I can help him. I dont think I am helping his cause. He is angry and resentful of me. It is sooo hard to distinguish between what is his mental health issue and our relationship issue.

In a practical sense I am not sure now what to plan for if he is not going back to work?

We cant even talk about finances (which I am trying to handle on my own) or living arrangements?

I felt that if we saw someone together it would enable us both to talk and be heard in a controlled environment. Be guided on how we can better communicate. Or is that not the issue herre? 

At a loss as to what to try next.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Maple

It sounds like you could use a third party in there.  If you have been seeing a therapist, then you know the value of hearing your own thoughts and feelings spoken aloud, or written down, and sometimes a therapist simply rephrases what we are saying, mirror-like, and we can actually gain a clearer picture of what is happening for ourselves, just in hearing someone else say it .......

Do you think your husband would be open to the suggestion of seeing someone together ?  It may be a new experience for him that becomes the "wake up" it sounds like he is needing.  Sometimes the husband-wife dynamic can't achieve that by itself, for the reason of its own emotional complications, and we need the help of a "relationship doctor".

All the best with that ..... I have husband complications of my own at the moment.  Can relate ❣

[Maple]

Thanks Faith-and-Hope 

Yes, I feel it might be another effort to help us see what we are actually doing to each other. When I see a therapist it is clarifying how I feel but I dont feel privy to my husbands thoughts. He says 'I dont get it' that I dont know what he is feeling but at the same time he wont confide in me either. 

I know at times I feel detatched from his emotions because he is up and down all the time. If I do really hear what he is dealing with then I am up and down on the same ride as him and I can't function and run the house etc. too. I feel like he is basically always down and that when he seems happy it is contrived (not a genuine happiness) to fit in or try to improve things.

Hoping to get an appointment together now but yet again my husband can be hot then cold on that. Will see if he ends up going with me or not.

[Appleblossom]

You sound down to earth caring and balanced to me.

Yes def a counsellor.

Maybe its not always the "patient" who infantilises themselves. Not into blame, but sometimes the MH system does too.  We all need to be careful of this tendency for people over the age of 21. Eg., Appropriate boundaries in "type of caring" needed.

[Maple]

Yes, thank you Appleblossom.