Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi Guys !

I'm feeling a bit down today after yesterday and cancelling my admission to hospital for a few reasons. Now I have a mixture of emotions, and worried I will not be able to go back into hospital if I need to.

The reason I didn't go into hospital because my dad convince I don't need to go in to hospital, and the reason behind this I believe is that he didn't want my mum up at my place looking after my dog. He always tells me their is nothing wrong with me etc. And his preference is the dog should go into kennels and I don't want this because the dog is getting older and has had major surgery, chemo and numerous operations in the last 3 & half years, and three of those in the last 6 months.

I find when my parents were with my yesterday, I did get quite anxious and my dad analyses everything and makes me anxious and angry. I actually really don't like this, I don't understand why it affects me so much. He will even comment on how the dog drinks her water (gulps). I'm thinking so what she as been for a walk and she is thirsty. Those things seems to get to me because I just see him picking at things all the time and that is just one example I can think of now.

I plan to phone the clinic on Tuesday and try to plan an admission into the clinic later in the year. I'm not sure what to do about the dog?

Sorry guys for ranting and not expressing myelf too well. Im not sure what to think when he always tell me their is nothing wrong with me etc.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I can imagine a similar reasponse from my family once I make the decision to go. I think for me it will be important that I know and remember why I am planning to go into hospital - if I do.

Why do you want to admit to hospital? What are the benefits you can see for yourself after admission? Write your reasons down and pull them out when you need to - not to defend yourself against your parents, but to remember to yourself.
I'm sorry to read that your poor little dog has gone through a hard time. Have you got any other options for someone to look after her during your absence? Ask a few people, you might be surprised who would like to help you out. Even a neighbour you can trust?
Take care and all the best.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

it sounds like your Dad's attitude is really bothering you and I can understand why. I suppose it it his own anxieties around mental illness that have made him like this. He can't understand your issues and so he is in denial about them.

My ex-partner was the same as your Dad. I had severe depression and I felt like I was losing my mind. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking a bucket-load of meds. My ex-partner said flat out "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you" to my face and refused to believe I was depressed. He said that the doctors had no idea what they are doing and they were completely wrong about me!

I, however, knew the truth and ignored my ex-partner. As soon as I was well enough, I left him. I did not want to have someone so nonsupporting in my life, no matter what his reasons were. 

@Former-Member, whatever the reasons are for your Dad's denial of your illness - it makes no difference at this point. Let him have his opinions and focus on yourself. You may want to limit the time you spend with him for a while as you make up your mind about going to hospital. 

If your Mum is prepared to mind your dog for you, then allow her to help you. She is your Mum and she would want to help you in any way she can. I am sure it would be a pleasure to her. 

I am so sorry to hear that your dog has been sick. Our pets are so important to us. 

Have you had good experiences with hospital in the past? I can't remember correctly, but I think you have been in hospital  before?

I wish I had had the opportunity to go to hospital when I was severely depressed. But I did not have private health insurance and there is no way I would have been sick enough for the public hospital, as I was still able to care for myself. (Not that I would want to be in a public psych ward, anyway!!)

But looking back, I think hospitalisation would have been a great way to escape my ex-partner and get some reassurance and support.... which I desperately needed at the time. 

[JoseJones]

@Former-Member, it sounds like you have a lot of regrets around not going into hospital and feel like the decision was taken outside of your control.  Now that must be frustrating!  Can you tell us a bit more about why you feel like you may not be able to go back into hospital if you want to?  If it feels a door has been closed, that must make you rue not going in even more.  What would it take to initiate that process again?

[Former-Member]

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@JoseJones wrote:

@Former-Member, it sounds like you have a lot of regrets around not going into hospital and feel like the decision was taken outside of your control.  Now that must be frustrating!  Can you tell us a bit more about why you feel like you may not be able to go back into hospital if you want to?  If it feels a door has been closed, that must make you rue not going in even more.  What would it take to initiate that process again?

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I do have some regrets about not going into hospital.

I did manage to get out today and had a good morning, I actually got to pat a tiger.

I do feel frustrated because my admission was planned I guess about two weeks prior or just under two weeks. The time went really quick, the last few days prior to my admission I started to feel better. I just worry that may not be an option for me now and that is probably not the case. To start the process again, and for me its quick fast, because they know me and I have always got on well with the staff so my admisions are usually fast tracked.

I'm thinking how I can move forward until my admission, I have a few specialist apointments, work, masters swim training and EP sessions. So I do have a little activties to keep me busy but not enough to overwhelm I am just trying to find a balance.

Going back to your question which was a good one. I'll just have to come with a plan about the hospital tomorrow or Monday. I need to think about when I will be ready for the treatment and go from there. I feel quite anxious about ringing though.

[Former-Member]

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@Flower wrote:
Hi @Former-Member

I can imagine a similar reasponse from my family once I make the decision to go. I think for me it will be important that I know and remember why I am planning to go into hospital - if I do.

Why do you want to admit to hospital? What are the benefits you can see for yourself after admission? Write your reasons down and pull them out when you need to - not to defend yourself against your parents, but to remember to yourself.
I'm sorry to read that your poor little dog has gone through a hard time. Have you got any other options for someone to look after her during your absence? Ask a few people, you might be surprised who would like to help you out. Even a neighbour you can trust?
Take care and all the best.

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Hi   
Thanks for your message!

You have raised some good points about focusing on the reasons for me wanting to go into hospital and also what I hope to achieve from this admission.

I was concerned about my dog because she as been through quite a lot and I think it might be easier if I put her into kennels- the reason behind this, I will have peace of mind that she is safe and I can focus my attention on getting myself well- what do you think?

The main reason for me wanting to go into hopital is because the hospital offers group therapy which is quite unique here in Australia- this type of treatment is only offered in one hospital in Australia. I have travel interstate for this treatment and just want to be able to give it my all.

[Former-Member]

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@Sahara wrote:

Hi @Former-Member,

it sounds like your Dad's attitude is really bothering you and I can understand why. I suppose it it his own anxieties around mental illness that have made him like this. He can't understand your issues and so he is in denial about them.

My ex-partner was the same as your Dad. I had severe depression and I felt like I was losing my mind. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking a bucket-load of meds. My ex-partner said flat out "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you" to my face and refused to believe I was depressed. He said that the doctors had no idea what they are doing and they were completely wrong about me!

I, however, knew the truth and ignored my ex-partner. As soon as I was well enough, I left him. I did not want to have someone so nonsupporting in my life, no matter what his reasons were. 

@Former-Member, whatever the reasons are for your Dad's denial of your illness - it makes no difference at this point. Let him have his opinions and focus on yourself. You may want to limit the time you spend with him for a while as you make up your mind about going to hospital. 

If your Mum is prepared to mind your dog for you, then allow her to help you. She is your Mum and she would want to help you in any way she can. I am sure it would be a pleasure to her. 

I am so sorry to hear that your dog has been sick. Our pets are so important to us. 

Have you had good experiences with hospital in the past? I can't remember correctly, but I think you have been in hospital  before?

I wish I had had the opportunity to go to hospital when I was severely depressed. But I did not have private health insurance and there is no way I would have been sick enough for the public hospital, as I was still able to care for myself. (Not that I would want to be in a public psych ward, anyway!!)

But looking back, I think hospitalisation would have been a great way to escape my ex-partner and get some reassurance and support.... which I desperately needed at the time.

Hi @Sahara

Thanks for your message !!

I really appreciate your message and understanding where I am coming from, and sharing your own experience with me. I think you are amazing ,and have done so well. I too have suffered from severe depression, and its quite frightening experience I did get to the point were I was unable to look after myself but this only lasted a short period but the depression has continued now for a few years.

May I ask you, what you may think has caused your severe depression, I am still trying to work this out?

I understand why you felt unsupported by your partner and I feel the same with my Dad. I think I will try to limit my contact with him until I decide what to do. I'm still thinking of going into hospital but it will not be for a while- I need to be ready to go down to the clinic- it is interstate. This time I will not be telling them and just telling them I am going away for a few weeks because I don't want a repeat of last week. Plus I am doing what I think is best for me and my health and I don't need the negative attitude or denial from him. And like you said he can have an opinion but at the end of day its my decision and my health at state not his.

I agree, my dog is very important to me and I get so much from her and I hope she gets the same from me. I cooked her up some cottage pie for din dins.

I actually thinking of putting her into kennels for my hospital admission I didn't want to but I think I will have peace of mind knowing she is safe in kennels. The only issue with my mum is that she as a lung condition and can't walk my dog. I might put her into kennels for two weeks and my mum can have her for the other two weeks and I think that might work out.

When I was offered the place to go ito hospital I feel really appreciative of the support and also the opportunity to be able to go into hospital. I too feel like I want a break from my Dad too, and I also feel the need for some extra support and reassurance. I think I am ready to do some deeper work.

How is your depression now and how do feel you are going with this- in terms of how you manage it?

[Robertmelbourne]

I can't speak for the setup outside Melbourne. But in the Melbourne private hospital system, my experience is that they're pretty much obligated to take you in if you can demonstrate that you are seriously ill, that you have private health insurance, and that you can't function outside a hospital environment.

Unfortunately (and I've mentioned this on a SANE forum before) Melbourne's public - as opposed to private - psych wards are extremely choosy about whom they will admit. Even if a person is suicidal they will often refuse to countenance the notion of signing you in.

Of course, private health cover is expensive in anybody's language.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

firstly, you are very welcome! 

I am glad that you have had a good day and have had the opportunity to pat a tiger... that is so awesome!

What caused my depression? It's hard to say exactly. I was living in a dysfunctional relationship with my ex-partner and I believe that that had a lot to do with it.  I had also recently experienced a breakdown in the relationship I had with my then best friend.  I was very angry at her and the anger took a long time to resolve.

At the time, I was working up to 12 hours a day in a very stressful, demanding job that wasn't really for me. I had no real joy in my life, I was just going through the motions. 

My ex-partner was addicted to weed and was reclusive and never wanted to speak to me, hug me or even acknowledge me! Our relationship had really deteriorated to the point where it was unsustainable.

I was very lonely and had no real, genuine social contact with anyone supportive at all. I did have one close 'friendship' with a woman, but she just seemed to want to use me as a free babysitter all the time and I did not find that rewarding... I felt exploited by her. We had a massive argument over that.

Looking back, I think intense loneliness, coupled with a genetic predisposition, caused my depression.

@Former-Member, I think you are doing the right thing by wanting to go back to the hospital. I doubt they will hold it against you for cancelling your admission. I used to work in hospitals and I know a bit about them. They are in the business of trying to keep clients satisfied with their service. (in the private system that is!)

[Former-Member]

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@Sahara wrote:

Hi @Former-Member,

firstly, you are very welcome! 

I am glad that you have had a good day and have had the opportunity to pat a tiger... that is so awesome!

What caused my depression? It's hard to say exactly. I was living in a dysfunctional relationship with my ex-partner and I believe that that had a lot to do with it.  I had also recently experienced a breakdown in the relationship I had with my then best friend.  I was very angry at her and the anger took a long time to resolve.

At the time, I was working up to 12 hours a day in a very stressful, demanding job that wasn't really for me. I had no real joy in my life, I was just going through the motions. 

My ex-partner was addicted to weed and was reclusive and never wanted to speak to me, hug me or even acknowledge me! Our relationship had really deteriorated to the point where it was unsustainable.

I was very lonely and had no real, genuine social contact with anyone supportive at all. I did have one close 'friendship' with a woman, but she just seemed to want to use me as a free babysitter all the time and I did not find that rewarding... I felt exploited by her. We had a massive argument over that.

Looking back, I think intense loneliness, coupled with a genetic predisposition, caused my depression.

@Former-Member, I think you are doing the right thing by wanting to go back to the hospital. I doubt they will hold it against you for cancelling your admission. I used to work in hospitals and I know a bit about them. They are in the business of trying to keep clients satisfied with their service. (in the private system that is!)

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Hi @Sahara

Great to hear from you again and thank you so much for sharing your experiences with depression!

I try to understand my depression and what may have caused it and like you I find it hard to say exactly what it might be. I do know, I have suffered quite a severe bout of depression, and I have had similar experiences with relationships and have not been so good for me (unhealthy).

I think some of the underlying factors for me

1. Stress

2. No real connections with anyone

3. Breakdown of a relationship

4. Managing everything on my own really took its toll on me

5. Hormones

6.Interactions with others

Like you have been able to reflect on my own experiences with my depression, and I agree with being lonely and having no social connection is probably huge, because having that connection really reduces your stress level and if relationships are good- it should increase your confidence and help make you feel good about yourself.

Thanks for your advice about the hospital and will make contact with them soon once I know what I am doing. I still believe it will be good opportunity and find it helps me to connect more and hopefully I can apply skills learnt their in my real life.

Btw how long ago was the start of your depression?